San Antonio Spurs Stomp Miami Heat: The Heatles Have a New Nickname Now

It's brilliant cross-programming by Disney, really. All this time I thought I had been watching basketball, when in reality ABC had cleverly supplanted last night's game on ESPN with their popular sitcom Two and a Half Men.

"The Big Three" was too boring a nickname, but then LeBron suggested "The Heatles." It's catchy, but it's not Beatles-catchy. "Two and a Half Men" works because that's what the crowd usually watches whenever the Heat step onto the court.

Whether it's the Boshtrich disappearing in big games or LeBron turning into LeBrick at inopportune moments, The Big Three haven't really been showing up together when it matters.

Last night's debacle against the Spurs has made it increasingly clear that the Heat need stellar performances from all three stars to have any chance of making a deep run in the playoffs.

The box score shows that Bosh had 17 and 14, but @suga_shane's tweet after the game told the real story: "DeJuan Blair's no-ACL-offense > Chris Bosh's no-heart defense."

LeBron and Wade had respectable lines, but look closer and you'll see nine turnovers and four charges. The grind-it-out Spurs of yesteryear would have used those extra possessions to further whittle the time away and pound it inside, but this year Coach Pop has them fitted with track shoes.

The raucous AT&T center witnessed Duncan grabbing board after board and flinging the ball to a racing Parker, the crowd rising in anticipation as all shooters sprinted to their designated locations. A couple passes, a screen here and there, and it was another wide-open, catapulted shot from the Red Rocket.

Tim Legler of ESPN recently remarked that the Spurs were the new Phoenix Suns, but that doesn't do this new Alamo juggernaut enough justice.

Stoudemire is not Tim Duncan.

Parker is...somewhat...faster than Nash.

The Suns never had anything close to a guard like Ginobili.

And most importantly, Los Spurs' identity still lies in their gutty, disciplined defense, evident in the four quick charges the team drew on James and Wade, effectively neutering the Heat's attack for the rest of the half.  

"They know exactly what you’re going to do defensively. Whatever you do or whatever you try and take away, they have a counter for," James said to reporters after the game, "They’ve seen every situation and they’ve seen every defense, and right now they’re just clicking on all cylinders."

No one would have ever have made that statement about the Phoenix Suns. If Nash and Co. were the Greatest Show in the Desert, then Duncan and his team is the Greatest Show with Defense, which just may be good enough to win it all this year.

Some other thoughts about these two teams:

How does Erick Dampier manage to embarrass himself on national television on such a regular basis?

No one is talking about something that really matters late in the season: injuries and fatigue. Only three Spurs are playing over 30 minutes a night. Let that sink in.

A 51-11 team has only three starters playing over 30 minutes a game. 

It's a mind-boggling statistic. No one is talking about this now, but the Spurs will be better rested than any other elite team come playoff time. Sometimes an injury can be all the difference—just ask the Celtics after Game 7 last year.

From another perspective, however, no one should be crowning the Spurs just yet. Pop's boys feast on teams lacking true size, which is why the Spurs can decimate teams like the Heat but look downright D-League-esque against long teams like Portland, Memphis and Oklahoma City.

The Lakers are more dangerous to the Spurs than any other team—Kobe knows the Spurs sets as well as anyone, and no other duo clogs the paint like Gasol and Bynum. 

Shooting 17-of-28 beyond the arc is simply unsustainable—expect the Spurs to return to earth on Sunday and play a much more competitive game against the newly focused Lakers team. Unless, of course, Gary Neal happens.

As for Miami?

Coach Spoelstra will drag LeGeneral and his embattled soldiers back home, where they'll face the Bulls under a lens of intense scrutiny. Last night's massacre will quickly fade if the Heat take care of business at home, but another embarrassment on national television may mean Two and a Half Men will be cancelled early this season.