2011 NBA All-Star Game: 4 Ways To Improve the Slam Dunk Contest

The Slam Dunk contest is today.  While you may have already known that, I doubt you know that the mere prospect of that makes me as giddy as an 11-year-old girl getting serenaded by Bieber in 3D.

It's true.  While there's a special, disdainful spot in the most cynical chamber of my heart for most All-Star games (see also, My post hating on the Pro Bowl), I love everything about the NBA's version of patting themselves on the back.

With all due respect to the Home Run Derby, the only watchable part of the MLB's All-Star festivities, the NBA Slam Dunk contest is the best part of any All-Star game.  Period.

This year's contest promises to be one of the best dunk contests in years.  With Serge Ibaka, Javale McGee, DeMar DeRozan and Blake Griffin battling head-to-head, there promises to be some fireworks.  I may be physically unqualified, with my closest dunking attempt being slapping the backboard in the freshman "B" team layup line, I do have some ideas on how to make this year's dunk contest even more exciting from a fan's perspective.

You may be saying, "But Chris, you just got done jocking on the dunk contest, why do you feel the need to 'improve' it?"

Just think of this post as the guy who gets called in to refurbish the Mona Lisa.  He's not repainting the damn thing, just doing a little light brushwork.  Besides, football's over, and I'm running out of stuff to post about.

And so, ladies and gentleman of Burnpoetry, without further ado I give to you my ideas for the 2011 Slam Dunk contest.

Make Blake Griffin Dunk with Nate Robinson Riding Piggyback

Saying Griffin is the favorite this weekend is like saying Martin Scorcese is a decent director.  Griffin is a dunker like we haven't seen in some time.  He's 1988 Mike Tyson, throwing vicious, angry haymakers at the rim with no regard for the devastation he might cause.  Like Tyson, his raw and unbridled power leaves fans everywhere ducking and covering.

Griffin is that powerful in mid-air.  He's a one-man Cold War.

So how do you slow down Seabiscuit?  How do you bring such a massive favorite back to the pack?  The way they actually brought Seabiscuit back to the pack—or tried to. 

With weights; in this case a 5-foot-7, 175-pound weight.

Nate Robinson, for his part, seems to genuinely enjoy saddling up on his teammates and trying to make it eight seconds.  He's spent more time on Glen Davis' back than Davis' jersey.  If Griffin can continue to dominate with the NBA's Spud Webb 2.0, then we'll know he's truly something special.

Have DeMar DeRozan Try To Dunk Over Mikhail Prokhorov's Wallet 

Mikhail Prokhorov, the famous Russian billionaire owner of the Nets, is so rich that if he laid down his sizeable wallet on the court it might just prove to be the biggest prop yet, whether jammed full of Rubles, dollars or tickets for his team's games to give away.

Author's Note: Have you seen the Nets play?  He would have to give them away.

If DeRozan can't clear the Rusky's own Berlin-wall-sized pile o' cash, then just have him wait until after the Nets ink Carmelo Anthony.  Prokhorov's wallet will shrink significantly after that signing.

Have JaVale McGee Dunk From the Free Throw Line...Again

JaVale McGee, who most of us have never heard of, tried this dunk earlier in the year and wound up proliferating the tragic, sick-joke-of-a-punch line that is the Wizards' 2010-2011 season.

Have Serge Ibaka's Dunk Session Sponsored by Surge

Screw Sprite's sponsorship deal.  Every kid my age would love the chance to relive the fourth grade slumber party memories Surge used to provide: tweaking out from caffeine and sugar OD's, feeling your tooth enamel wash down your throat as it disintegrates with just one glass and contracting one new type of diabetes per nine ounces ingested.

In short, who wouldn't want to bring that back?  Have Serge pound some Surge and see if he can dunk.

I can see it now. Serge steps onto the court, holds a two liter of liquid amphetamine aloft, chugs half the bottle and performs the perfunctory scream.  After he shouts, "Suuuuuurrrrgggggeee!!!" and staggers towards the line, we'll see if he can even get off the ground, let alone dunk.

And finally:

Have One Dunk Per Round Judged by a Panel of Four 78-year-old Men

Old dudes don't like dunks.  Most of them grew up in an era of basketball that spent about as much time in the air as a Wright Brothers flight.  Their favorite players were short white dudes named "Skip" or "Biff" who smoked a pack a day.  I can only imagine the hilarity of Ibaka throwing down a sick dunk and raking in 2's and 3's for "showboating" and "hanging on the rim all willy nilly and such."

My grandpa used to tell me every time we watched basketball together that, "they ought to raise the rim to 12 feet to stop all that hangin' on the rim."  I think when McGee punches out, that's exactly the kind of crotchety feedback I'd love to hear.

Basketball is sure to be exciting with or without these changes.  However, since I'm sure Howard Stern's a devoted reader, I think we should keep our eyes open for some of the newest changes.