It's Raining, It's Pouring, the Grandaddy Is Snoring: How To Fix Wrestlemania

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring, the Grandaddy is Snoring: How To Fix Wrestlemania

So far, from the way things are shaping up, we’re looking at an underwhelming WrestleMania.  Sure, I want it to be great.  It hasn’t been great in a while.  But I’m not expecting much.

A little over a week ago we saw the 2-21-11 promos, right?  A new or returning Superstar just in time for a Road to WrestleMania push.  I was so excited.  I thought, “This is it!  They’re really doing it!”

The common opinion and hope was that the figure in the promo was Sting, finally making a WWE debut, albeit 15 years too late for it to be as great as it could have been.  There were even rumors that the smoke spelled out “Sting.” 

All that proved to be wishful thinking.  WWE denies even talking to Sting.  I hope they are lying to keep the surprise, but I doubt it.

When I first saw the promo, I felt that if the mystery man was anyone but Sting, I will be majorly disappointed.  The promo was incredibly vague, with dark gothic style that could have suggested Undertaker, but he’s usually associated with a graveyard and tombstones or nebulously Judeo-Christian iconography, so I had hope that it wasn’t just another Taker return. 

Before last night’s Raw, I read rumors guessing maybe it was Awesome Kong.  But that didn’t seem likely, as WWE would never offer that level of promo for a Diva—even for, potentially, the most dominant Diva ever. 

Kong wouldn’t be given the level of importance that promo promised.  Not because of her own prowess—it’s simply a lack of competition and investment in making the Diva’s Division anything more than eye candy.  The only Diva who could really put on a PPV level match with Kong is Beth Phoenix—anyone else and it’s just unbelievable, like Mysterio beating Big Show.

No, the cloaked figure is probably a man.  If I’m wrong, and it is Kong, then hey, more power to them.  I hope it gives her a big push.  Probably not enough to save Mania, but a great angle, nonetheless.

There were other possibilities, Christian once had a dark angle, back when he first appeared and was running with Gangrel and the Brood, but it wasn’t his most popular or convincing persona, given his penchant for pirate shirts back then, and Vince hates Christian for leaving and reeking with so much awesomeness with TNA, so I doubted that it would be Christian.  Plus, wouldn’t a return on SmackDown make more sense for Christian, since he could only return and feud with del Rio or (hopefully) Edge.

Who else could be entering the creepy little cabin in the vignette?  HHH?  No.  The theme is wrong.  Same with Y2J.

The new version of the promo on last night’s Raw confirmed my fear.  The promo was accompanied with the line “Ain't no grave gonna hold my body down,” from a Johnny Cash song, and, of course, in WWE Grave=Undertaker.

I am thoroughly disappointed.

I really hoped it was Sting.  I mean, how many times can Undertaker come back from the dead?  They’ve been done, over and over.  There’s no thrust behind a supernatural return at this point.  What would be the purpose?  Why did he leave last time?  I can’t even remember.  Was it Kane, Nexus?  His departure was anti-climactic, a quick way to cover up a real injury, which are happening to Taker more and more often.  And why would he return now?  To fight Kane again?  Old hat.

I just don’t care about an Undertaker return, and not because he’s getting old—he can still pull off at least a 4-star match—but because he still has no one significant to fight at Mania. 

I read all these rumors of him fighting Barrett, which sounds boring as all get out.  I mean, why would they fight?  What’s the feud about?  Old versus new?  It’s not enough. 

This could very well be Taker's last Mania—judging by his inability to stay healthy (unless he goes for 20-0)—and seeing him fight Barrett just feels insignificant.  Yeah, Barrett is up and coming, a future mainstay, but I feel like Barrett is what he is now.  I can’t see him rising much higher or expanding his character.  It’s a solid character, but it’s far from groundbreaking.  Maybe his in-ring skills tighten up, but not so much that he ever puts on WrestleMania main-event level matches or creates enough hype for main-event level story lines.  Maybe he’ll prove me wrong, but he won’t in the next month or two in time for Mania.

For my money, unless WWE pulls off grabbing Sting at the last minute, or they have already and are just being secretive about it, I really can't see any Undertaker at WrestleMania match being significant—especially after the last two classics with HBK. 

Without Sting, the only way I see a classic Undertaker WrestleMania main event is if he fights Cena.  (Love him or hate him—Cena is The Face—deal with it).  However, I would save a Cena vs. Undertaker match for next year (assuming Taker makes it that far) when he goes for 20-0.  It should be Taker's last match, period.  A win over Cena would be a good way to go out, beating the biggest star of the new generation.

Cena (still relatively young) could then run a follow-up angle in which he admits that still has things to learn, room to grow, etc.  A new quest for the hero, and all that.  The feud could be great for both of them.

To sum up, so far:

Undertaker vs. Sting—Good

Undertaker vs. Barrett—Boring

Undertaker vs. Cena—Save it for next year when Taker is going for 20-0

Undertaker vs. Kane, HHH, HBK, Diesel, Lesnar, Doink the Clown—Been there, done that.

Here’s the WrestleMania card, as things seem to be going:

MITB

Orton vs. Punk

Edge vs. del Rio

Sheamus vs. HHH

Cena vs. Miz

Undertaker vs. Barrett

Not a bad card for a PPV, but a weak card for The PPV.

Could WrestleMania be saved by Sting vs. Undertaker?  Maybe.  But I wouldn’t stop there.  WWE has loads of talent, but they continuously misuse it.  Here’s my plan, the card I want to see at WrestleMania (mostly within reason, given who is available):

Punk vs. Danielson—Indie grudge match, no disqualifications, falls count anywhere, with a surprise cameo from Tyler Black/Seth Rollins when they’re fighting in the crowd.

MITB—Kingston, Ziggler, Rhodes, Bourne, Ryder, Kidd, Gabriel, Slater. Notice how they’re all young and fast, and have never won a major title, the best way to do MITB.  I’d include Swagger, but he won last year—too soon in my opinion—then got buried, so he’s unfortunately absent from my card.

Sheamus and McIntyre vs. Diesel and Booker T—Tag-Team Titles (not because I want the old guys back, I don’t, but because the young Celts could reinvigorate the Tag-Division with a win over potential Hall of Famers, and start a new age of tag teams consisting of pairs who share common themes and ideologies and who can run story lines).

Beth Phoenix vs. Kong—for Diva’s Title, the only Diva match worthy of a PPV.

Mysterio vs. del Rio—I know we’ve seen it, but maybe make it a mask vs. career and actually unmask Rey.

Y2J vs. Barrett—Master vs. Student

Edge vs. Christian—for Heavyweight Title—cause we’re dying for it

Triple H—revealed as the Raw GM

Cena vs Morrison vs. Orton vs Miz—fatal four way for WWE Title.  Similar matches have been done before, but not like this, and they are all main event status, even if JoMo is only in-ring main event status and Miz is only on-the-mike main event status, let’s split the difference and accept that Cena and Orton can’t be kept out of the main event, since they are the present, and Miz and Morrison shouldn’t, since they are the future.

Undertaker vs. Sting—cause it needs to happen...they ain't getting any younger.

This is a WrestleMania worthy of the title and, I think, would be the best we’ve seen in a while. 

Will all that happen?  No.  Could it?  Honestly, most of these matches are within reason—if WWE would get its act together and consider what the fans really want. 

So, what do you think?