A Disgruntled Pirates Fan's 2009 Season Promotions

It is a well known fact that the Pirates have been without a winning season for sixteen years. I understand people's frustrations, and because of that here are what I'm sure their promotion list would be:

1. Jim Tracy Day: If you can sign an autograph faster than Jim Tracy's time of 10 minutes (Usain Bolt beware), you win free outfield box seats.

 2. Matt Morris Day: Matt Morris is placed on the field along with the first 1,000 fans. The fans get one hour to boo Morris and pelt him with whatever they please.

 3. Dave Littlefield Appreciation Day: Everyone gets a bag to put over their head.

 4. Neil Diamond Bobble head Day: The Pirates ran out of players to bobble head, so they put Neil Diamond in a Pirates jersey and call it a bobble head.

 5. Free Primanti Bro's food: Why not get a chance to eat all of the food you can handle in Pittsburgh's favorite place to eat (doctors and barf bags not included)?

 6. Pirates Cap: Sounds innocent enough, unless you put black and blue coloring with a Pirates logo on it.

 7. John Russell impersonation day: Anyone who can talk as low as John Russell can deserves a free Lexus Club Seat.

 8. Pirates Pitcher Tryouts day: Just like when Vince Papale got to try out and then play for the Eagles, you the fan, can try out to be a Pittsburgh Pirate. The winner gets a one year $1,000,000 contract and becomes the fifth starter.

 9. Nyjer Morgan over slides the base yet again bobble head: Yes that's right, Subway will sponsor a bobble head where Nyjer Morgan in fact overslides the designated base.

 10. Jeff Karstans T-Shirt Jersey: He pitched a near no-no, but since then has nothing but horrible just ask the 12,741 who saw one of his starts in which a four run second inning gave him the loss.

 11. Adam LaRoche vs Ryan Doumit Day: The two face off in a 40 yard dash and the first 5,000 fans will go on the field and find out who is the slowest Buccos runner.

 12. Select an Ian Snell Pitch Day: All you need to do is predict whether Ian Snell will throw fastball or change up the only two pitches he has left in his repertoire. If you win you are allowed access to the game, if not don't worry, you get Steelers tickets.

 13. Back to Reality Day: The Indianapolis Indians, the Pirates triple-A team, will play the Pirates to determine who the actual Major League team is.

 14. Fan Appreciation Day: Team finishes with 100 losses and the crowd instantly leaves Pittsburgh en route to Canada.