Top Ten Things OSU Can Do To Get a Win

In light of Ohio State's off-again-on-again-off-again-on-again status of Beanie Wells, it's time to look at some alternatives to get the team ready to rip USC at the Coliseum this Saturday.

A top ten list of what OSU needs to happen for them to win....

10. Bribe Lou Holtz to predict the Buckeyes will lose. So far, he's 4-9 on predictions for Notre Dame in the last 13 games, so you've got good odds if he says you will lose.

9. Send Paris Hilton back to the USC locker room (again!) for one more Jock Itch epidemic.

8. Spike Traveler's oats with Ex-Lax (Extra Strength) right before he trots by the USC pep rally.

7.  Bribe O.J. to ask a few players to join him on a quick jaunt to pick up some sports memorabilia.

6. Break Rey Maualuga's other nine fingers, and his hands and feet while you're at it.

5. If Paris doesn't work out, send Britney.

4. Make Tonya Harding play in the rover position with hubcaps as her knee pads.

3. Tell Mark Sanchez it's good luck to lick a frozen metal pole immersed in dry ice two minutes before game time.

2. Call a couple of sports agents and tell them some USC players are "just dying" to do lunch with them- have Reggie and OJ Mayo meet them at the restaurant.

and the number one thing that can help the Buckeyes win....

1. Arrange for Pete Carroll to judge a beach volleyball tournament on Saturday and get Charlie Weis to coach the Trojans.