Michigan Wolverines: 10 New Year's Resolutions To Help Mend The Football Program
The past few seasons have been stressful ones for coaches, players and fans alike. Michigan has lost more football games in the last three years than in the previous…well, you know.
Players have been chastised by coaches, cussed at by fans and criticized by the media.
Fans have also tolerated three years of construction so the upper crust can sit in air-conditioned comfort.
Even the band has shared in the abuse.
A small faction of student supporters would like to see the amount of “piped in music” increase. Could you imagine Metallica’s Enter Sandman drowning out the Michigan Marching Band’s Malaguena?
Many in the Michigan community are screaming, “No mas.” They want their Michigan football back. It’s time we put our foot down.
And, as a matter of fact, we have a few demands. You all know it’s New Year’s. So, hopefully, the following resolutions will be adapted. No questions asked.
1. Trust David Brandon
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None of the television stations, blogs or especially the Free Press are going to fix the football team. A win in the Gator Bowl would be nice, but it shouldn’t weigh heavily on the future.
We need to let Brandon do his job. If it means out with Rodriguez, so be it. If it means dump Robinson, well that’s ok, too.
I’ve been told the ticket taker at Gate Three must go, as does the dishwasher at the Michigan Union. While we’re at it, the local Zamboni driver needs a long vacation.
2. Improve The Food Concessions
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Serve White Castles, Coney Islands and Pizza Bob’s Torpedos.
The aroma from a White Castle hamburger could distract an entire section. So what if we give up 14 points on a pick-six and a 22-yard run.
Coney Islands could get everyone in your row a better seat. How could you cheer for Michigan without dumping chili everywhere.
Pizza Bobs? They’ve been a State Street tradition for more than 50 years. Their subs are second to none.
3. Practice Under The Lights
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You’ve seen the commercials about receivers losing the ball in the sun.
When Michigan plays Notre Dame under the lights, practice the night before. There will be no Michigan attempted fair catches allowing Notre Dame scores.
Invite Notre Dame to travel early to Ann Arbor for the same reason. Then cause a power failure.
.jpg?w=256 "Ohio State Team Doctor")
4. Recruit Another Kicker
4 of 10Michigan has received a commitment for a field goal kicker in California. That would give the Wolverines three on the roster.
After this season, three can’t be enough. Recruit another one. Then make sure he can kick on cold, wet fields.
And while you’re at it, don’t ever let Denard Robinson punt. Ever.
5. Have a Retro Night
5 of 10No, not with those silly uniforms like Ohio State wore in November.
Michigan needs to prove to the world that elitism and arrogance does not exist in Ann Arbor. To do this, the NCAA would have to look the other way for just one game.
Slippery Rock, the darling of Michigan fans throughout the years, would have a rematch with Shippensburg State.
In September, 1979, Shippensburg defeated Slippery Rock 45-14 in one of the traditional “Band Day” events at the Big House. More than 10,000 Michigan high school band members performed at halftime, which was part of a record Division II crowd of some 61,000.
At this year's game, there could be another type of celebration.
If anyone recalls, security, especially when it came to adult beverages, was very lax in the late 1960s and ‘70s before the Big House regularly sold out.
The beverage of choice back then wasn’t Miller Light, or Stella or any of those micro-brews. It was Boone’s Farm Apple Wine, and lot’s of it. A charity evening would be swell, but I’m sure the Free Press would be on top of it, and probation would be right around the corner.
6.Schedule Miami Instead of Appalachian State
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Many of us can’t pay the rent, but we all like to travel. Why schedule these trap games, when we could go to a great place and lose with dignity.
Miami, Florida State, UCLA or even Southern Cal are all neat places to play in the fall.
The biggest upset in history never happens on the road. And there are golf courses we’ve never played before.
7. Stop Recruiting 155 Lb. Scatbacks and 200 Lb. Linebackers
7 of 10First of all, Michigan has a team full of undersized players already.
From the sky boxes, we can barely see any of them. We need some beef on both sides of the ball. Michigan was crushed like sardines by both Michigan State and Wisconsin.
It would be nice to see a fullback emerge to carry the load on short yardage plays. Let’s hope Mike Barwis can add some bulk to Stephen Hopkins and John McColgan.
8. Never Alter the Home Uniforms
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When Nike (and later Adidas) entered into huge apparel contracts, the company’s initial instinct was to start tweaking the uniforms. They even suggested tinkering with the home uniforms which haven’t been changed in years.
It made sense that the athletic department saw to it that the home uniforms remained the same.
The road uniforms, on the other hand, have been changed often. Several seasons ago, the Wolverines actually wore white pants with a maize and blue stripe.
9. Bring Home the Paul Bunyan Trophy
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First, the Michigan team must know it’s been 45,579 days (give or take a few) since Michigan beat Michigan State in anything important (hockey doesn’t count).
Michigan must know that losing to its little brother is not acceptable. The Wolverines should bring Michael Hart from Indianapolis to explain how much he’s been harassed for making the “little brother” statement.
The Michigan players must also know that being called “arrogant asses” is not kind and it’s time to do something about it.
Michigan must also know it’s important to win back the Paul Bunyan trophy. Paul who?
10. It’s Finally Payback Time
10 of 10The Ohio State fans have been mocking the Michigan faithful for years. It’s bad enough the Buckeyes have been trashing the Wolverines regularly on the field.
Even worse is that they’ve been swearing at our band, throwing snowballs even when it isn’t snowing and playing that silly “Hang on Sloopy” chant thousands and thousands of times.
Enough’s enough.
The strategy is simple. The Michigan band should be outfitted with enough paintball stuff to douse a fire. If that doesn’t slow ‘em down, they should continuously play Temptation followed by the Hawaiian War Chant, because you can’t have one without the other.
Everyone knows that Ohio is going to do the Script Ohio, so an ambitious Michigan youngster should distract the Ohio I-dotter, while he’s replaced by someone from Michigan. It’s been done before.
All right, with all kidding aside, nothing’s going to get Michigan football back to normal unless the Wolverines beat this Buckeyes next season. Then the following announcement will sound that much better:
“Ann Arbor-Saline Road will be one-way southbound to I-94 after the game.”
.jpg?w=480 "Ohio State Team Doctor")
