Albert Haynesworth Suspended: Top 10 Other Professions the D-Lineman Should Try
The day has finally arrived. Albert Haynesworth has played his last game in a Washington Redskins uniform.
Plagued with nothing but problems since signing Haynesworth in 2009, the new regime in Washington has made their first sincerely bold move and showed the seven-year veteran that the organization's culture has changed for the better.
“Despite the club’s numerous attempts to persuade Albert Haynesworth to abide by the terms of his contract, he has repeatedly refused to cooperate with our coaching staff in a variety of ways over an extended period of time,” Shanahan said in statement released by the team. “Among other things, he has consistently indicated to our defensive coaches that he refuses to play in our base defense or on first-down or second-down nickel situations. He has also refused to follow the instructions of our coaches both during weekly practices and during actual games as well."
Although I'm sure Haynesworth will end up with another team next season, he's unemployed for now. And with that, we take a look at some other professions that Fat Albert should take a stab at...
10. Prison Guard
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He'd fit in so well!
Not to label prison guards, I'm grateful for what they do, but they don't seem to be very well-liked by the inmates...and rightfully so. Note to inmates, though, the guards didn't put you in there.
In addition to being hated by the people he sees every day at work, Haynesworth appears to fit the physical mold of a prison guard as well. Standing 6'6" and weighing over 330 pounds, Fat Albert could throw his weight around in a prison better than he can on a football field...for the Redskins anyway.
Finally, maybe Haynesworth could learn a thing or two while spending some time in the pen. Like, maybe, I don't know, how thankful he should be about playing a children's game for a living and collecting oodles of dollars.
9. Defense Attorney
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Johnnie Cochran? Mark Geragos? Please.
Haynesworth can lie with the best of 'em...just ask head coach Mike Shanahan.
When Shanahan approached Haynesworth with the tub-o-lard's bonus check in hand, Haynesworth agreed to play nose tackle in the team's new 3-4 defensive scheme and do all that was asked of him.
What a joke! Ask Shanahan today what he makes of the whole situation and he says the same thing every time, "...he took the check."
Case closed!
8. Bouncer/Door Man
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This occupation is obviously recommended because of Haynesworth's size; but can't you see him just loving the job?
We've all been out to that one bar or club that has that one doorman who's loving every minute of empowerment that he thinks he has. That one guy sits on the stool or leans on the doorframe, wearing his extra small shirt, and glaring into the crowd as if he owns the place.
Now take that same guy, increase his frame to Haynesworth's specs ( if he wasn't there already ), and put Fat Albert's head on the shoulders. Picture-perfect, right?
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7. Competitive Eater
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As all Redskins fans can attest, Haynesworth hates to work out. But it's not hard to see that he loves to eat.
Haynesworth played less than 75 percent of the defensive snaps in his first season with the Redskins and he entered this season's training camp with thoughts of being in better shape. We all know how that turned out.
Fat Albert skipped mini-camps, disrespected coaches and failed an endurance test over, and over, and over, and over and over again. Pathetic really.
Why not let this guy chow down on hot dogs, hot peppers or hot wings? Better yet, why not Dan Snyder's checkbook? Too late.
6. Repo Man
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Repossession workers, like prison guards, really have a tough job, mainly because they work amongst people who despise them. This is another great fit for Big Al.
Not only would Haynesworth be completely comfortable going through his day while ruining others', he loves to take things from people.
Again, I'm not criticizing repo men/women (more credit if you're a woman), but you get the idea.
5. Trainer's Assistant
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Please don't take this one the wrong way. I am in no way implying that Albert Haynesworth would make a great trainer for any professional, college or pee-wee football team.
However, after spending so much time in the Redskins training room over the past two seasons, Haynesworth has to know exactly what the job entails.
Although his intelligence is questionable, Haynesworth would know the training room by familiarity and he's likely picked up a thing or two by watching the Redskins training staff give him everything under the sun in order to try and "heal" him.
Remember, it's just an assistant job.
4. Bank Robber
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Man, is this guy good or what?
Not only did Albert Haynesworth rob one of the highest-valued professional football teams in the world, he did it while everyone was looking. In fact, former team vice president Vinny Cerrato handed Haynesworth the goods in a nicely wrapped envelope with Dan Snyder's signature on it. And with that, it's not all Haynesworth's fault.
But I can only imagine that if an enormous man can walk out of a room with a smile on his face after sticking it to a billion-dollar-a-year business, he can most certainly do it at night in all black with a ski mask on.
Unfortunately for Albert, he got enough money from the Redskins to hold him over until his next heist.
3. Security (Graveyard Shift Preferred)
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Much like that of a bouncer or doorman, I picture Haynesworth being a great security guard. But not exactly the security you would normally see at a mall or electronics superstore. I'm thinking more along the lines of a security guard/bouncer at a gentlemen's club.
Other than his physical traits (starting to see that's all he has to offer), Haynesworth apparently enjoys being around exotic dancers.
After travelling to last year's Super Bowl in South Beach, Haynesworth enjoyed himself a little too much and reportedly impregnated an exotic dancer from New York during his stay. Ms. Silvia Mena pressed charges against Haynesworth for leaving her with no financial assistance.
Then perhaps Hanyesworth should stay away from those strip clubs. We don't want him to end up with a Shawn Kemp-like situation.
Zing!
2. MMA Fighter
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Without continuing to harp on the fact that Haynesworth is mammoth, the guy apparently loves violence. Not only in business relationships, but also physical violence while playing the game of football. Well, if he loves it so much, why not take it up full time?
We all remember the incident a few years ago involving Haynesworth and Cowboys center Andre Gurode. While Gurode lay on the ground, defenseless and without his helmet (after losing it during the play), Haynesworth proceeded to lift his cleated foot and stomp on the open face of the Cowboys player.
In mixed martial arts, a swift kick to the head is accepted and enjoyed by fans. In football, there's no room for childish temper tantrums.
1. Actor
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That's right, an actor.
There's not a doubt in my mind that Haynesworth could hit the red carpet, land a gig and immediately be considered for an Oscar.
By the way, I used a picture of Morgan Freeman because he's an amazing actor, his voice is world-renowned and he's won a Little Gold Man Trophy.
Anyway, Haynesworth has played so many different roles throughout his career, especially here in Washington, that he'd have no problem making the transition.
He can lie, he can play dead, he can stay calm while 21 other guys flail around him, he can steal while smiling, he can fake an illness, he can spend money that he didn't rightfully earn, he can complain like a child and he can easily play the part of a large person.
With the ability to take on so many shapes and forms, is there really any doubt that the Academy would love this guy?
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