College Football Top 25 in One Sentence

After a fun-filled Week One of college football, the rankings are out, and it's time to recap each team in one sentence or less.  No need to read the papers: Everything you need to know about each team is right here, whether you like it or not.

1. USC

The Trojans can actually guarantee their fans they won't lose this week, but the pollsters may ding them for their bye after spanking the Cavaliers, and almost no one will be upset—cue the irate So Cal fans who still haven't recovered from the Lakers losing.

2. Georgia

One cupcake down, one to go when the Bulldogs face a pass-happy Dan LeFevour and his band of merry Chippewas.

3. Ohio State

The Bucks continue to gorge themselves on cupcakes, facing Ohio this week, and that may be the reason why the O failed to move the chains five times against Happy Feet State—their blood flow has been impeded by clogged arteries.

4. Oklahoma

The Sooners beat the pulp out of the 'Noogies, but this week they face Cincinnati, a team that game-prepped themselves by beating a directional school from Kentucky—the humanity of it all.

5. Florida

The Gators face the 'Canes this week, and while still celebrating their Haka dance over Hawai'i, could make a case for No. 1 if they rush for over 200 yards and finally beat Miami in a real brawl—their Florida Int'l brethren have already set the bar.

6. Mizzou

After the Tigers made the Illini's Juice Williams look like a Heisman contender, one has to wonder what the heck they will come up with for their next opponent—local high school team SE Missouri State.

7. LSU

The trilogy of terror (App State, Troy, and North Texas) continues with the scheduling department having the Tigers facing Troy, a Sun Belt team who has aspirations of losing by fewer than 30 points.

8. West Virginia

Pat White passed, and suddenly, the Big East looks dominant—OK, just kidding.

9. Auburn

Tommy Tuberville has his potent *cough* passing offense ready to face Southern Miss, doesn't he?

10. Texas

Colt had a great day, but the Longhorns' D looked like a piece of Bevo left on the grill too long—acceptable looking overall, but really lacking substance.

11. Wisconsin

The fact that the Badgers let the Akron Zips score 17 points makes you wonder if they have the Capitol One Bowl Committee on their AD's speed dial.

12. Texas Tech

When you have 169 yards in penalties against a directional school from Washington that scored 24 points on the Red Raiders, you have to wonder if their DC has a sick sense of humor.

13. Alabama

Rejoice, Tide Fans, the coming of Saban has been unveiled—now don't muck it up by confusing Tulane with Louisiana-Monroe this week.

14. Kansas

Ho hum (that's it, sorry—what can you say about beating Florida International?).

15. Arizona State

I'm sure Georgia is shaking in their boots after that Northern Arizona beat-down of 30-13...not!

16. BYU

The Cougs beat Directional U from Iowa and face a cellar-dweller from the Pac-10, so we're not sure why they are in the top 20, but hey, worse cupcake schedules than this have been rewarded by the BCS.

17. South Florida

Yep, beating a hyphenated school from Tennessee should be just enough to get you in the top 20, but beating Central Florida will most likely propel you into the top five.

18. Oregon

Does this school have a quarterback curse, or is it the same old uniforms from last year that make the Ducks officially now a running team?

19. Penn State

The Nits play a ticked-off Oregon State Beavers team in Beaver Stadium, but it's in Happy Valley—there's something strange about this.

20. Wake Forest

The ACC stinks, so nobody cares about their next game against Ole Miss—there, I said it; you can thank me later, and besides, basketball season starts in a couple of months.

21. Fresno State

Who let the Dogs out?  Rutgers' defense.

22. Utah

Raise your hand if you feel sorry for Michigan losing two straight home openers.

23. UCLA

How can a mediocre team be ranked 23rd when they beat a mediocre No. 18 ranked team—shouldn't No. 26 be appropriate?

24. Illinois/South Carolina

Do you get the feeling the pollsters just decided that these two teams really aren't that good, but wanted to make the Big Ten and SEC feel better after the Vols and Wolverines' losses?

Sidenote: Notre Dame plays San Diego State, which lost to FCS "powerhouse" Cal Poly, and NBC must be as happy about this match-up as a herd of fainting goats finding out there's a hungry mountain lion in their flock.

* William beat Lisa in the first week of football challenge—stay tuned for next week's guest!