LeBron James And Commissioner David Stern: Conversation Transcript Revealed

LeBron James is returning to Cleveland. 

Need I say more? 

Ever since his nationally televised “Decision,” we all knew in the back of our minds that the time would eventually come when King James would have to return to his old stomping grounds. 

That day has finally come, and even though I don’t like the guy, I hope he will be able to make it back home to South Beach. 

I’d say he’s got a 50-50 chance. 

James has been highly criticized since leaving the Cavaliers this past offseason. He was a free agent and had every right to take his talents elsewhere, but the way he did it really rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. 

Since “The Decision,” James’ public image has really taken a hit. He went from being who many thought would be the next Michael Jordan to being public enemy No. 1 in just about every NBA city. 

Not to mention Cleveland. 

I have always wondered how this was allowed to happen, though. The NBA thrives off of marketing their star players, so I would think that commissioner David Stern would have had a few thoughts on the matter. I'm sure he wasn't to pleased. 

Did Stern ever sit James down and have a conversation with him regarding the debacle that was "The Decision?"

What would have transpired in that room would be one of the most intense conversations that a commissioner could ever have with one of his players. There would be heartfelt moments, intimate confessions, and of course, lots of tears. 

Eventually, Stern would pass the tissue box over to LeBron. He would dry his eyes and saunter out of the NBA offices in his sweatpants and white T-shirt—classy as always. 

Now, maybe this conversation never happened, but maybe it did. We will never know for sure.

This is what I imagined that conversation to be like:

Transcript: The Office of David Stern: 

Stern: Well, LeBron, that was quite a mess you made the other day. The fans in Cleveland are livid with you! I just saw Rachael Nichols report that they were burning your jerseys in the streets! 

LeBron: What should I do?

Stern: That’s a good question! Sure, teaming up with D-Wade and Bosh doesn’t sound like a half bad idea, but did you have to be such a tool about it? 

LeBron: Should I admit that I’ve made mistakes? 

Stern: I’m not sure if that would be the best option right now. You already look like enough of an idiot. Being indecisive about this is only going to make things worse. 

LeBron: Should I remind you that I’ve done this before? 

Stern: To be quite frank, you don’t have to remind me. Wearing that Yankees hat to an Indians game, not shaking Dwight Howard's hand after losing a playoff series. Your stupidity on and off the court is well documented. 

LeBron: What should I do? Should I tell ya how much fun we had?! 

Stern: Well if you consider being swept in the NBA Finals to be fun. I thought you promised Cleveland a championship though LeBron? The fact that you couldn’t deliver, and then bailed on them! What do you think that’s going to do for your legacy!? 

LeBron: Should I really believe that I ruined my legacy? 

Stern: Well, I guess you have to win to actually have a legacy, so maybe you could be in the clear here. That being said; this is still a bad situation son… 

LeBron: What should I do! What should I do! What should I do!? 

Stern: There’s no need to cry young man. You’re acting like a child! 

LeBron: Should I have my tattoo removed? 

Stern: Even I could have told you that tattooing Justin Beiber’s face onto your lower back would be a bad idea! What do the kids call those nowadays? Tramp stamp is it? 

LeBron: Wanna see my shiny new shoes? 

Stern: Now you’re just trying to change the topic. 

LeBron: Should I just sell shoes?  

Stern: All things considered that is looking more and more like a better option every day. 

LeBron: Or, should I tell you I am not a role model? 

Stern: That has become apparent. 

LeBron: Hi, Chuck. 

Stern: Who in the world are you talking to!? Are you high? 

LeBron: Seriously, what should I do? 

Stern: There is that celebrity rehab show. 

LeBron: Should I tell ya I’m a championship chaser? Did it for the money? Rings? 

Stern: If these past few years have been what you call “championship chasing,” then we might want to start going in a different direction with our marketing scheme. This is disturbing news. 

LeBron: Should I be who you want me to be? 

Stern: Believe me, if I could turn you into Jennifer Lopez I would! But, unfortunately we do not live in a perfect world. (sighs.)

LeBron: Should I accept my role as a villain? 

Stern: There is a new Spider Man Broadway show coming out soon! Perhaps you might want to look into it? 

LeBron: Maybe I should just disappear. 

Stern: Will you stop being so dramatic! And why are you whispering? 

LeBron: Should I stop listening to my friends? 

Stern: They do seem to be idiots. 

LeBron: They’re my friends! 

Stern: So what does that make you? 

LeBron: Should I try acting? 

Stern: You do have a knack for it on the basketball court. Like I said, look into Spider Man. 

LeBron: Should I make you laugh? 

Stern: Honestly, you're not that funny. 

LeBron: Should I read you a soulful poem? 

Stern: That does sound kind of nice actually. 

LeBron: Or, should we just clear the decks and start over? 

Stern: I’m starting to have a very hard time following you. Seriously, are you doing drugs? 

LeBron: What should I do? 

Stern: I’m not sure. You really screwed up here LeBron. You screwed your hometown, you lied to them and you announced that you were leaving their organization on your very own “Decision” show. All in all, you have just come out looking like a complete fool; and you know that I pity the fool, LeBron. (chuckles to himself.) 

LeBron: Should I be who you want me to be? 

Stern: Here’s a number for a really good therapist I know, LeBron. Go get yourself some help. This is too many rhetorical questions for me to handle.