Liver's Week 16 NFL Picks: Redskins to Cover Against the Vikings

I think the only thing Bill Parcells loves more than football is flirting with football teams and then dumping them.

Kind of sounds like a woman, don’t it?

Think Bill didn’t have Mommy and Daddy’s full attention as a kid back in the day?

How many of you are already tired of the baseball equivalent of the “I smoked but never inhaled” excuse for the 'roids? If I hear one more player say “I only tried it once and it didn’t work,” I’m gonna bash my latest TV with a baseball bat.

Here’s one former Longhorn who's overjoyed to see Roger Clemens exposed for the cheating, headhunting liar he is. NO WONDER he threw that broken bat at Mike Piazza. That’s going to be the ESPN gold standard clip for 'roid rage now.

Never liked the Rocket; like him even less now. I think I’d actually take Barry Bonds in a toss-up as far as who I detest the least.

At least Bonds isn’t a dirty player like Clemens is or was.
 
Unfortunately, there are only TWO NFL games this weekend in which BOTH teams have playoff spots at stake.
 
Of course it goes without saying that the following picks AGAINST THE SPREAD are for RECREATIONAL USE ONLY. Only Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Kiefer Sutherland, Bobby Petrino, Bud Selig, Roger Clemens, Tony Romo, Jessica Simpson,  Roger Goodell, and Travis Henry's nine kids and nine mommas would be drunk enough to question the Esteemed Liver's picks.

Last week against the spread: 4-12     

Ouuuuuuuuuuuuuch. That officially kills any chance I had of finishing .500 or better. Like Bonasera in The Godfather said, I was beaten like an animal.

2007 record against the spread: 98-116-10  

More ouuuuuuuuuuuch. Worse than Elliot on a saw blade.
 

And for those who LOVE to criticize and bring others down to your safe level of self-doubt, this quote from Stanley Kubrick’s The Killing sums up you and your ilk...
 
Maurice to Johnny: "You have not yet learned that in this life you have to be like everyone else—the perfect mediocrity; no better, no worse. Individuality's a monster and it must be strangled in its cradle to make our friends feel confident. You know, I've often thought that the gangster and the artist are the same in the eyes of the masses. They are admired and hero-worshipped, but there is always present an underlying wish to see them destroyed at the peak of their glory."



Sunday, December 23
 
N.Y. Giants at Buffalo (+3)

Both teams are coming off of crucial losses. True Buffalo’s was much more damaging then the Giants but N.Y. can’t afford a losing streak here if they want to maintain their current Wild Card standing.

You ever get the feeling that with every loss, Tom Coughlin adds a little more to the resume in his pocket? Still, this is one of the two games this weekend where both teams have something at stake.

The Giants suffered a huge loss last week in addition to the game. Losing white trash extraordinaire Jeremy Shockey will hurt them in short yardage situations.

Pick: Buffalo
 

Kansas City (+4 1⁄2) at Detroit

I’m on a rum and cranberry kick right now. Apparently it’s good for the liver.

Pick: Detroit
 

Philadelphia (+3) at New Orleans

Filthy comes off a huge upset over the Cowboys while the Saints can still pretend for this week that they are still playoff contenders.

Even if the Saints do get in, they would be Wild Card fodder for a Tampa Bay or Seattle.

Pick: New Orleans
 

Oakland (+13) at Jacksonville

I know that the Patriots and Colts are the class of the AFC but does anyone want to play the Jags right now? They’re running the ball, playing exceptional defense and their QB Garrard isn’t making mistakes.

Question: How do they have ZERO Pro Bowlers?

Answer: Because the Pro Bowl is the most meaningless, pointless all-star game in all of sports, and the voting is all popularity-based.

And this is coming from a Cowboys fan. Five years of seeing Roy Williams go to the Pro Bowl is the football gods’ way of telling me, “This game sucks.”

Meanwhile Lane Kiffin announced that he wouldn’t play JaMarcus Russell because “it’s too damn hot down there.”  Good excuse Lane. Maybe next season you can take the training wheels off.

Pick: Oakland
 

Cleveland at Cincinnati (+3)

What a nightmare. Cleveland is TIED for their division lead and seems to be a lock for the playoffs. That No. 1 pick of the Browns that the Cowboys own goes down and down.

Meanwhile, Marvin Lewis types away at his resume.

Pick: Cincinnati
 

Green Bay at Chicago (+8 1⁄2)

Green Bay still has an excellent shot at homefield after the Cowboys’ loss to Filthy last weekend.  Going up against a blood rival like Chicago at home won’t be easy, though.

Chicago has nothing to play for, which makes them the perfect spoiler. Yet with Kyle Orton taking snaps, I get an uncomfortable feeling. Probably like the rest of the Chicago offense does.

Pick: Green Bay
 

Houston (+7) at Indianapolis

Houston has something to look forward to as they tied their season best for wins last week against Denver. Mario Williams has demonstrated, although not according to Pro Bowl balloting, that he was the worthy No. 1 pick last year.

However, the present is still the Colts.

Pick: Colts
 

Atlanta (+10) at Arizona

It must suck to be a Falcons fan. Michael Vick, Bobby Petrino and Bill Parcells? Talk about being rode hard and put away wet.

I feel a DeNiro (Moe Tilden) moment in Copland coming on.

“I gave you a chance to be a cop and you blew it.”

The Cardinals had their chance to be in the playoffs but they blew it. 10 points is a lot for the Cardinals but have you seen that Falcons team lately? They quit before their coach did. There’s nothing there that makes me think they can cover here.

Pick: Arizona
 

Tampa Bay at San Francisco (+6)

I know Tampa Bay is already in the playoffs, and I’ve given up on San Francisco, so how about another rum and cranberry?

Repeat that question about Jacksonville and no Pro Bowlers here, only replace Jacksonville with Tampa Bay.

Pick: Tampa Bay
 

N.Y. Jets (+8 1⁄2) at Tennessee

Make that a double. Sorry Vince—I’m a busy man these days. At least I can count on you to make me SOME money.

All you Titans fan...pray for some help on offense and Vince will lead you to the Promised Land.

Pick: N.Y. Jets
 

Baltimore at Seattle (OFF)

Gee, you think this is going to be a massacre?

Seattle is coming off an embarrassment against the Panthers and is at home against a Ravens team starting a rookie QB. Maybe we should all take...

Pick: Seattle.
 

Miami (+22) at New England

So much for that battle of the undefeated and defeated.

Okay, I learned my lesson—never lay 20+ plus point spreads on the Patriots. With my gambling luck as of late, I’m sure I’ll watch them roll it up by 30 here.

I think next season I’m going to go with the opposite of my original picks.

Pick: Miami
 

Washington (+6 1⁄2) at Minnesota

And for the second meaningful game of the weekend...

Kudos to NBC for flexing this one to Sunday night. Minnesota is in the playoffs as of now. The Redskins, despite all the trauma they’ve dealt with this season, are still in the hunt.

Expect playoff-type intensity here, as neither team can afford a loss with two games left. 

Pick: Washington
 

Monday, December 24

Denver (+8 1⁄2) at San Diego

It would appear that San Diego has gotten their whatever back, but I need to see something in the playoffs before I consider them to be anything besides trash receptacles for the Colts, Patriots and Jaguars.

Norv “McFly” Turner just doesn’t inspire confidence in me.

That said, the Chargers aired the Broncos out in Denver earlier in the year. After getting throttled in Houston, I don’t see anything that makes me want to pick Denver here.

Pick: San Diego