The Beanie Wells Conspiracy: Is It Taboo to Talk About Him?

Ohio State sophomore tailback Chris "Beanie" Wells has had a phenomenal season.

Even though he plays for last year’s runner-up and a current national heavyweight, most media members don’t feel that he is worthy of award nomination, or, well, mention.

Can anyone tell me why?

Wells, a 6’1” 235 pound absolute TANK, with Bo Jackson-like breakaway speed and Gale Sayers-esque cutback ability, has the numbers. The 19-year-old barbarian has ripped off 1463 yards and 14 touchdowns while averaging nearly six yards per carry.

Beanie is the most versatile back in the land. He can cut back, he can bounce it outside, or he can bust right through your whole family. He’s the surest thing on a third-and-one in the nation.

In Ohio State’s last five games of the season—against the five teams chasing them for the Big Ten title, Beanie strapped the Scarlet and Gray to his massive, Herculean back and rampaged his way to 164 ypg and eight touchdowns—including 220+ yards vs. BOTH Michigan teams!

No Buckeye running back ever—not two-time Heisman winner Archie Griffin, not Eddie George, NOBODY—has ever rushed for 222 yards against the Wolverines. And he did it in their house, in a game when Michigan loaded the box with 8 or 9 guys all day because his QB was only able to muster 50 yards passing.

If that’s not enough, how about his health? Does anybody even know what this mammoth teenage freak-of-nature has been dealing with all season? Of course not, because the average fan doesn’t even know who he is.

Well, I’ll be the messenger. Beanie has had a bum ankle the entire season. It will require surgery in the off-season. Every time he gets tackled, he gets up gingerly and limps back to the huddle.

And then the next play he either splits a safety in half, or snaps a linebacker’s ankles with a seemingly mythical cutback. A man his size should not be THIS fleet of foot…especially with torn ligaments in his ankle!!

That’s not enough? A few weeks ago (he’s not sure which game it happened), Wells broke a bone in his right hand. It showed up on an x-ray following the 14-3 savage domination in Ann Arbor.

He managed to carry the ball 39 times in that game, and never fumbled once. In fact, his last fumble was all the way back five games ago against Michigan State. That hand will likely join his ankle under the knife following the season.

In essence, Chris "Beanie" Wells is a superhero. So why is this gigantic monster cracking sternums under the radar? The fact is, folk: We have a Jim Brown clone on our hands. The combination of size, speed, quickness, and toughness that Beanie Wells possesses comes along once in a generation.

He’s here, America. Take notice. LSU’s "vaunted" defense is next on his list.

You ready, Glenn Dorsey? You better pack a lunch, son.