David Stern Announces New and Improved Four-Team NBA!

July 8, 2012

NEW YORK: In a much anticipated one-hour special, NBA commissioner David Stern has confirmed the rumors that yes, the NBA will indeed be reformatting to a smaller, more exciting four-team league. 

"After what happened in 2010, I realized the direction the league was heading," said Stern. "With the attendance where it's at for the majority of the league, I feel as if this new format will maximize profits while eliminating some of our smaller markets that simply cannot generate enough revenue to justify subsistence moving forward."

“I am proud to announce the New National Basketball Association, which will consist of the Miami Heat, Dallas Mavericks, Los Angeles Lakers, and New York Knicks.”

The announcement comes days after the New York Knicks confirmed the signing of free agent guard Chris Paul, which will likely mean a sixth man role for last season's acquisition Tony Parker. 

New York has made a whirlwind of moves over the past few seasons.  After signing Amar’e Stoudemire in 2010, the Knicks traded for Blazers guard Brandon Roy and also added former Nuggets star Carmelo Anthony in free agency 2011.  While making the playoffs last season for the first time in what seemed like decades, the Knicks were quickly swept by the Heat in the second round.

The Heat once again failed to win a title with their superstar trio, falling to the powerhouse Lakers for the second straight year in the NBA Finals.  Los Angeles had gotten off to a slow start last season pulled off two brilliant moves by bringing in Deron Williams from the Jazz and Rudy Gay from the Grizzlies (surprisingly only for a pair of first round picks and Kwame Brown).

The new NBA’s fourth team, the Dallas Mavericks, pushed the Lakers to seven games in their conference finals thanks to new center Dwight Howard and point guard Derrick Rose.

How did four teams become so chock-full of talent? Ever since the summer of 2010, many of the smaller market teams realized that they couldn’t compete with the Miami and LA’s of the league and began to trade star players in an attempt to recoup money lost from record low attendance sales. 

While teams like the Toronto Raptors and Cleveland Cavaliers were hit the hardest first, several previously contending teams were tired of paying big players big money and never making it past the first round.

And so we saw the chips starting to fall.  John Wall to the Heat.  Kevin Durant to the Knicks.  Danny Granger to the Mavs.  One by one, NBA teams watched their attendance fall faster and harder than David Hasselhoff’s career and were forced to dump salary.  Star free agents began taking league minimum contracts for the opportunity to join one of the fantastic four, exclaiming that they “just wanted to win.”

Chauncey Billups, fresh off of signing with the Lakers, was quoted as saying, “I don’t care if I’m the fourth-string point guard, I want to win and everyone knows where you have to go to do that.  I’m tired of playing in an empty arena and watching Kobe beat us by 30 every time.”

It appears the days of pride and wanting to be “the man” are long gone.  The popular notion seems to be if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

When asked what would happen to the millions of fans of the other 26 teams, Stern added. “Who cares?  Go buy a Heat jersey!  Go buy a Knicks cap!  This is a business.”

While the new league appears to be a hit with today’s star players, many former legends don’t seem to agree.

“It’s turrible,” exclaimed Charles Barkley.  “That knucklehead Stern don’t know what he’s doin'. He’s letting these punks run the league and encouraging all these superstars to play together. 

"Yeah I don’t have a ring.  But you know who does?  Adam Morrison. DJ Mbenga.  That tall white dude from the Celtics.  Are they better than me?  Because you let someone else win you a ring, you call yourself a champion?  I have a legacy, and that to me means more than pickin' on these little guys that can’t afford to field a team anymore. Turrible, just turrible.”

Another icon added his input as well.

“NBA?  They should call it the ‘No B*lls Association,” said former Bobcats owner Michael Jordan.  “We worked hard to build this expansion franchise through the draft and by making smart safe moves through free agency and trades, and for what? 

"I took a hit, but I’m glad I sold the team when I did.  This isn’t the league I played in, the league I loved, the league I went out every night and poured my heart and soul into trying to be the best and carry my team.”

Stern has also announced the elimination of the salary cap, but added that every game will include a halftime show featuring Cirque du Soleil and Kid Rock. 

“We’re looking into postgame fireworks and tiger shark giveaway nights,” Stern said.  “It’s a very exciting time for the league.”

Some basketball purists believe that the league is quickly becoming a joke, more concerned with partying and pyrotechnics than the playoffs, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, says Stern.

“When I saw how the Heat introduced their new-look team I thought, my gosh, that’s how it should be for every team every night.  Even if there’re just four teams, were going to field four very exciting teams that will generate a lot of revenue and hopefully turn this league around. 

"Who care’s if they can’t watch the Thunder on TV anymore?  Or if they’ve had season tickets with the Celtics for the past 40 years?  Nobody cared about the Clippers anyways.  Quit living in the past, people.”

The NBA draft has also been altered to a new one-round, four-selection format.  The length of the TV spot used to telecast the draft will remain the same however according to Stern, saying that current NBA athletes will purchase the time slots to announce decisions that they may make in their life, such as what car they plan to buy next or just what they had for breakfast.

“If we can get 10 million viewers for one question to be answered, imagine what we could get in a three-hour draft special!” Stern said.

While many fans may disagree with this new league and stacking teams in general, Stern preaches patience.

“In a couple years you’ll forget all about the old NBA and its old teams.  What was that team in Cleveland?  The Calves?  Something about baby cows?  See I’ve forgotten already.  I’ve spoken to Roger (Goodell) and he loves the idea.  He hates that everyone in the NFL is competitive and that mid market teams like the Colts and Saints are playing well.”

So that’s it, the new NBA is here for good.  Many fans will be losing their beloved franchises and will be forced to root for one of the remaining four.  While Tim Duncan may look unusual coming in with the third string, just think of the endorsement opportunities he’ll have now that he’s playing in New York!

That’s what it’s about right?

The NBA, where caring happens.