Cleveland Thanks LeBron

At 9:31 PM ET, just minutes after LeBron James’ decision to desert his hometown Cavaliers for the opportunity to leave behind Anderson Varejao and Zydrunas Ilgauskas for Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, Cleveland mayor Frank G. Jackson declared that July 8 would officially be King James Day throughout the city. According to Jackson “James provided immense services for our struggling city and for that we can never repay him. This is just my humble attempt to start that effort.”

As the residents of the city drank themselves into oblivion, ESPN’s Chris Broussard walked into a local bar with the intent of fully understanding the seemingly inexplicable reaction. Frank Rieton, a native of Cleveland who has now lived through The Drive, The Fumble, The Catch, and The Decision, looked up at Broussard and uttered the following as tears streamed down his face: “I’m just so happy for LeBron. If I was him, I would never have signed with Cleveland in the first place, but I’m so grateful for his dedication to the city and I wish him all the best in Miami.”

Also in the bar was former Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown, who had a far less positive take on the aforementioned Decision. Brown reportedly launched into a profanity laced tirade about how unhappy he was that Byron Scott would never get the attempt to sit on the bench and simply act like he was coaching LeBron James. “It must be so tough to wake up every day knowing you’re actually going to have to do the job you’re being paid to do!” he spat out before storming from the bar.

Later that night John Hollinger, another ESPN representative, caught up with Mr. Jackson. While sitting in the middle of Quicken Loans Arena, the two conversed about the details of the holiday. Somehow, James’ now-retired number 23 jersey already hung from the rafters.

On the morning of the 8^th each year, every resident of the city will be required to throw a handful of chalk at their ceilings in order to remember the opening that King James used at the beginning of every single game.

All television stations will broadcast non-stop highlights of James performance with no repeats as there are just too many to count.

At the 23rd minute of every hour, there will be a minute of silence so that each citizen can remember and fully appreciate LeBron’s tenure in Cleveland.

The day will culminate in a parade led by the current members of the Cleveland Cavaliers so that the citizens can appreciate just how pathetic the current roster is without LeBron.

“I’m sure that more traditions will be added to glorify the former savior of our city as the years go by. But rest assured that we will never forget what he did for us.” Jackson said. “We may even decide to replay the broadcast of The Decision once or twice.”

Meanwhile on the streets of the city, Cavaliers fans released their emotions by screaming with faces turned upwards to the sky. These primal yells were primarily thanking team owner Dan Gilbert for his selfless decision to let LeBron James do what was best for himself. During these joyous moments, Gilbert was crafting a letter to LeBron James thanking him for his willingness to televise The Decision so that sports fans around the country would not forget that Cleveland still had a professional basketball team.

Byron Scott, in keeping with the trend of letting Chris Broussard have the inside scoops before everyone else, texted the reporter that his team was planning on handing the ball to James every possession so that he could score at least 101 points against them during their inevitable Christmas Day clash.

During all this, LeBron James was unavailable, but rumor has it that he was already roaming the streets of South Beach with Wade and Bosh.