Derek Fisher Succumbs To The Zen

When Phil Jackson wants a player to stay on his team, they stay. This summer, during a sweltering July, after constant pressure from superstar Kobe Bryant, Jackson had no choice but to unleash the full powers of his Zen on the unsuspecting point guard Derek Fisher.

By all reports, Fisher was intent on joining forces with Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, and LeBron James in Miami until Jackson got to him. According to Fisher, “The convincing speeches of Pat Riley and the pressure I received from LeBron James in the airport were more than enough to make me sign with the Heat.”

 The point guard went on to explain that he was in the middle of a texting conversation with Riley about the contract he would sign when the phone rang on his bedside counter. “I glanced over to see who it was and I recognized a Los Angeles area code,” he said. “I’m not sure exactly what made me answer the call, but I did.” On the other end of the call was a smug voice just dripping with Zen: the voice of Phil Jackson.

 Within five minutes, Jackson had convinced Fisher to come back to the Los Angeles Lakers for at least one more season. How he did so remains unknown as Fisher told reporters that he has sworn to secrecy about Jackson’s tactics.

 In an interview, Jackson wouldn’t budge when asked about the Zen and it’s ability to convince Fisher to make his decision. “You know, it was rough when Ron Artest had his press conference after we won the championship and told everyone that he could hear me inside his head,” Jackson told everyone. “I really wish he wouldn’t just reveal my secrets like that. Now I have to be more protective of them.”

 Jackson reportedly held up his hands, which now each had six fingers on them, to show off his eleven rings. “Everything I’ve done has worked so far. There’s a reason I’ve been able to always have an all-time great on my team. Michael Jordan and Kobe have always wanted to leave but I’ve always convinced them to stay.”

Before the reporters left, Jackson pointed to one of the six fingers on his left hand, the only finger without a ring, closed his eyes, and hummed. Immediately, all the reporters were completely convinced that the Lakers would win the next championship.