A Brief History of LeBron Day

The History of LeBron Day

If you're like most Americans, you've been pretty busy these last few weeks hosting LeBron Day dinners, planning family trips to the Shrine of LeBron in Akron, Ohio, and hitting the malls for LeBron-related memorabilia.  But where did this most sacred of national holidays originate?  To answer that question, we must journey far back into the annals of history...

The First LeBron Day

The first LeBron Day was declared in the year 1510 by King James the Tall, undisputed monarch of the Land of Cleve.  King James had never actually won a war against the neighboring kingdoms, but was renowned throughout the land for racking up huge totals in the area of assists (to the poor of his kingdom), rebounding (from various national difficulties), and scoring (no comment).  He became extremely popular with the Clevish people, who hailed his arrival as that of a national hero.

This simple folk, it should be remembered, had endured many hardships over their long and noble history: From the tragic defeat of King Ernest the Fumble-Fingered (1486-87), to the unyielding torment inflicted on the realm by depredations of His Airness, Emperor Michael the Great , to the Miracle of the Catch made by St. William of Mays  in 1454 and the ensuing Fish Rebellion of 1497, to the ransacking of the Yankee Hordes (1421-Present), long had the people of Cleve wished for a leader of their own, a monarchical prodigy to challenge the legacy of His Airness, and even ascend to the lofty height known by such revered figures as King Lawrence the Legendary of Bostonia and the great wizard Earvin who was said to live in the City of the Angels.

King James took the throne of Cleve in 1503, following the brief, unhappy reign of Prince Richard the Highly Unfocused.  Immediately his kingdom experienced a new dawn.  Although in the first year of James' rule the kingdom lost forty and seven battles while winning only thirty and five, he drew the acclaim and admiration of all the other kingdoms for his nobility and martial skill.  In the ensuing years, King LeBron was invited to many a Faire of All Ye Stars and twice was named MVP (Monarch Valued by the Peerage).  His reputation was only enhanced by the Siege of Motor City in late May of 1507, in which King James and his loyal officers Prince Zydrunas the Unpronounceable and Duke Boobie of Gibson brought the land of Cleve near to acheiving dominion over its rivals, but unfortunately King James and his loyal officers then fell victim to the Fourth Campaign of Kicking Serious Booty by King Timothy the Nice, lord of all the western desert.

This defeat was a turning point of sorts.  While King James remained personally revered, certain of his scribes and scholars began to doubt the efficacy of his noble lords.  Successive defeats followed in 1508 at the hands of the Three Warlords of Bostonia (Sir Paul the Truthful, Sir Raymond of the Sweet Jump Shot, and Sir Kevin the Overly Exciteable, and especially at the crushing Battle of Disneyland in 1509, in which King James was forced to surrender his sword to King Dwight I of Florida, who was said to be a Man of Steel and whose coat of arms was emblazoned with the likeness of a large cartoon mouse.

This final indignity enraged King James, who moved swiftly to shake up his inner circle.  Prince Zydrunas fell out of favor, as King James began to rely upon the aging warrior Shaquille the Extremely Large, called the Sultan of Shaq, who in his youth had reigned supreme over both the City of Angels and the very Land of Disney where King Dwight now ruled.  Once a fearsome warrior, the great Shaq had grown so large he could barely jump for a rebound, yet remained gregarious and popular and entertained the people of Cleve with a series of masquerades (Such as the Tragedy of Kazam, which was ghostwritten by William Shakespeare) and by thinking up comical nicknames for the rest of the court, some of which are still in use today.  The Duke of Gibson was also deposed in favor of the newly-arrived Prince Antawn of UNC, who became so close to the monarch that he was known as The Son of James.

But none of this helped.  Following the Second Sacking of Cleve by Bostonia in 1510 (in which the three warlords received timely reinforcements from Rajon I, the Earl of Rondo, who was said to be so quick that he could switch off the bedroom light and be in bed before the invention of electricity), King James gathered together his inner circle of sycoph.... erm, royal advisors and determined that the fault lay not with his battle strategy, nor with his valor, nor even with the skill of his opponents, but with the Land of Cleve itself, which was believed cursed by the Gods, possibly for building a Minstrel Hall of Valor and inducting both ABBA and John Mellencamp.

King James determined to take action.  He abdicated the throne of Cleve and declared himself a free monarch, willing to transfer the blessings of his beneficent reign to any city that would bring him sufficient tribute.  Many nobles came from far and wide, bearing the treasures of distant lands, in the hopes of winning the great king's favor.  From the great city of Nova Yorke came Prince Michael the Up-Tempo , promising King James untold riches and world renown if he would only free them from a pestilential plague of losing intensified by a badly mismanaged Royal Treasury.

From Chicagoland itself, His Airness' former capital city, came Prince Derrick the Not-Quite-as-Good-as-Rajon, with promises of immediate martial victory in a city almost but not quite as inhospitable as Cleve, with its own Curse-Absorbing Barrier so that King James' sad experience in his former land would never be repeated.

From the pestilential swamplands of Second Jersey came Tsar Mikhail the Quirky, who promised King James would succeed to His Airness' international throne.  Of equal importance, the Tsar promised King James would have to remain in the fetid swamps no longer than was absolutely necessary, before bolting in two years for the Land of Brooks .

From the City of Angels-- well, technically from that city, but actually from its less-attractive suburb, the Team of Eternal Purgatory, came hearty sailors on Clipper ships.  They promised King James... well, nothing really, but they put in an appearance to do him homage and to placate their suffering people.

Most intriguingly of all, from the sun-drenched shores of the southern beaches, came the proud clan leader Patrick Macriley, which means in English "Patrick With Much Hair Gel."  He had already assisted the wizard Earvin and the present ruler of Southern Beaches, King Dwyane Who Seems to Have Transposed His Letter "Y" to acheive their thrones, as well as nearly obtaining a kingship in Nova Yorke for the noble but flawed Prince Patrick II, who was called the Barely Mobile.  He promised King James great acclaim and royal revelry, combining forces as he would with the armies of King Dwyane and the Duke of Bosh from the frozen northlands.  Admittedly, the vast riches accruing to the trio of monarchs would require skimping on certain martial necessities, such as archers, catapults, horses, and gunpowder.  But it was expected that the mere spectacle of the three lords in battle regalia would frighten away their foes, winning them vast dominions by acclimation.  King James was understandably intrigued.

While all these lords and nobles appeared before King James' throne, evil forces were gathering in the west.  For in the City of Angels, the Dread Lord Kobe I, who was called the Black Mamba and we're not even kidding about that, had succeeded the wizard Earvin and defeated the Lords of Bostonia through trickery and guile and assembled his armies on behalf of Emperor Philip , who was called the Zen Master.  If left unchecked by King James, these two evil sorcerors would possess the power to yet again conquer the free peoples of the land!

With this dire thought in mind, the good citizens of the Land of Cleve tremulously approached King James, begging him to remain in their city and protect them.  And King James stood before the nation, his words magnified by the broadcasting power of St. Espen, the Worldwide Leader in Town Crying, and did give his answer to the multitudes.  And that answer was...

Well, it's lost to history.  But that is the magnificent event which we commemorate tonight, with gifts and song, as we wait for King James XXIII, the descendant of that noble line, to make his pronouncement.  Many a free agent has enacted this noble ritual before him, from Sir James the Hunter of Catfish in 1675 to Father Reginald the Defender and Sir Barry of the Unusually Large Head  in 1893.  But perhaps never before has this event, so full of history and hope, resonated as it does this year, as we all learn, Grinchlike, the true meaning of LeBron Day.

May it remain in our hearts forever, instilling us with ever more capitalistic greed and overriding hubris.  Whatever Dieties you believe in, may they be with us tonight.  May they be with King James as he makes his choice.  May they-- above all-- prevent Kobe from winning another freaking title .

Amen, and amen.