Analyzing the 2010 NBA Draft AKA the Free Agent Pregame Show

Before I break down the deepest NBA draft of this decade, a pre-draft note involving the Heather Cox interview with John Wall.

Heather was the same height as John.

Either she is really tall (she did play volleyball), was wearing high heels, John is not 6'4", or a combination of all three.

Just the visual would scare me a bit if I was the team drafting No. 1.

To honor ESPN's coverage of this draft, I will pretend that Chris Berman is anchoring for the network, and his unique brand of humor is on display for the picks.

Get your blankets ready since plenty of embarassing moments are headed your way.

Yes I am aware he is a 30+ year television star while I am a low-level blogger.

View it as a tribute.

David Stern welcomes everyone to the festivites by mocking the fans for their unruliness.

How else do you expect New York fans to react when they have to root for the Liberty year after year?

1. The Wizards select John "Another Brick In the" Wall.

Washington is following the Minnesota model of lottery success by stocking up on point guards.

By lottery success I mean the path to multiple lottery appearances.

I would love to believe ESPN when they talk about Kirk Heinrich on the Wizards, but then again my Stephen Curry Suns jersey was all ready to ship last year and you saw how that worked out.

Robert Sarver stinks.

As for Wall, he's just like Derrick Rose.

They both played for Calipari.

Rose led his team to the national title game.

Wall led his to the Elite 8.

Rose showed some shooting touch at Memphis.

Wall showed less of one.

At least Wall is fast.

Free agency can't start quick enough if he's the clear No. 1. Great timing for him though.

2. The Sixers select Evan "Bachman" Turner "Overdrive."

Turner should be able to score in this league, and his potential will be determined by where he signs as a free agent in three years.

Although Philadelphia should be a model top-tier franchise in the league, the city stinks as an NBA town and rarely attracts top free agents.

It's easily the 4th team in a four team city.

Andre Iguodala just sold his home.

Both Wall and Turner must improve in "avoiding turnovers."

The power of positive thinking is not at work here.

How about the need to improve ball handling or passing or any actual basketball skill?

While watching the interview with Evan Turner, one thought came to my mind.

Why was there a 1940s phone on the endtable between them? Is Mark Jones giving updates on sports phone when he is not interviewing people?

Someone designing the set desperately needed the phone there.

Iris James, Evan Turner's mother, is smiling enjoying the night of her life at the draft.

Even better is the new car she is given by the New York Knicks later on in the night, because they think she's related to LeBron and the Iris bribe is the clincher.

3. The Nets select Derrick "31" Favors.

Maybe we can get a campaign started to have him wear 31 and be sponsored by Baskins Robbins.

Favors has a wingspan of 7'4", so if humans ever learn to fly he is going to dominate the sky.

Favors has to like playing with a good center like Brooke Lopez, which should help create space and build creativity in his game.

Look at that, actual analysis. It's not all fluff.

4. The Minnesota Timberwolves select John Wall, oh wait he was already drafted.

Whoever the next best point guard is.

They take Wesley "suit makes him look like he got off a voyage on the Love Boat" Johnson.

Johnson will join Johnny Flynn as former Syracuse players who wish they were back at Syracuse.

Wesley should be a solid role player in the league, and Minnesota isn't the place for him.

The free agency clock for Wesley has begun.

5. The Sacramento Kings select Demarcus "Welby MD" Cousins.

Demarcus wore purple to the event, he must have known something.

Jay Bilas describes Cousins as long.

What exactly happens at these workouts?

Cousins will join Samuel Dalembert in the before and after Nutrisystem front court.

Sacramento has some really interesting pieces and Cousins has to like going to a team where the point guard drives to the basket a lot.

Maybe Evans will find confidence in Cousins and dish more.

6. The Golden State Warriors select Ekpe "LaPew" Udoh.

Jay Bilas is obsessed with wing span and asked where these guys get their arms.

My bet is some time before birth.

Udoh's stock definitely rose during the NCAA tournament, he showed that he can perform in the clutch there.

Sadly he got drafted by Golden State and that skill were rarely be necessary.

This draft is the ultimate argument for contracting four teams at least.

7. The Detroit Pistons select a time machine to undo the disaster of the 2009 free agency period.

They select Greg Monroe "Muffler."

Stuart Scott threw out "Interestingly, his uncle played football at BYU."

It exactly isn't interesting at all.

It's never a good sign when all of a team's free agency money for a year has players listed under key reserves.

Rating the success of these players is really difficult because most of the highest picks are big men, and a lot will depend on where they end up after their stints with these lottery-bound teams are done.

Who can give a grade on that?

8. The L.A. Clippers make the first of many picks in this year's draft classified under the WWLP philosophy. Who Would Lebron Pick?

The lottery masters select Al-Farouq "Eeny Meeny" Aminu "Mo."

The nicknames scald my brain.

Aminu looks like Lewis from Arch Rivals (if only he could shoot like him).

Aminu is a really good athlete and can keep up with the NBA pace—until his first Clippers debilitating injury.

9. The Utah Jazz (in a pick they got in 2004) select "Flash" Gordon Hayward.

A decent white guy wasn't getting by Utah.

Gordon has mediocre wingspan and has to be thrilled to go to a team that usually makes the playoffs.

Plus from what I remember in the tournament, he plays pretty well in Salt Lake City.

This draft analysis isn't going to last much longer if we are at No. 9 and already picking bench players.

10. Indiana is at No. 10, and picks Paul George "Ringo and John."

At this point in the draft, you just go for wingspan, because that is what makes a star.

Ask Steve Nash.

George can at least shoot a ball, and at this point, with such a dearth of stars, taking a guy with a shot makes sense.

If he shoots 91 percent at the line, encourage him to drive more, get fouls, and get free points.

11. New Orleans selects "Nat King" Cole Aldrich.

New Orleans is probably going to stink.

At least the food is good in New Orleans, Cole.

It is reported that Cole will be traded to Oklahoma City.

No Acme Oyster House for him.

The team is a lot better though, and Cole can probably get some oysters shipped on ice with his new home.

12. The Memphis Grizzlies select Xavier "Oh" Henry.

Henry is described as somewhat left-handed. His weakness is that he is still unsure of what hand he uses.

New Orleans made the trade to avoid the luxury tax.

Why are season ticket sales struggling again?

Other highlights from round one:

The Milwaukee Bucks select Larry Sanders "Hey Now."

Larry could not be there because his tremendous wingspan could not make it through the Madison Square Garden doors.

The Chicago Bulls select the winner of this draft, who will soon be playing with LeBron or Dirk or another star or two, Kevin Seraphin.

He last played for "Swiss" Chalet in France. LeBron scouts all over the world.

Always amazing how the best shooter/scorer goes to a team like San Antonio.

The lottery draft swag must be incredible, since so many teams make decisions with a goal of getting into the lottery.

Oklahoma City selects Quincy "ME" Pondexter.

I think watching a Quincy episode would be more fun at this point.

The Nets draft "Air" Jordan Crawford.

I guess any small chance of LeBron going to the Nets is over.

The Nets picked two starters.

You can't say that about anyone else.

(In typical NBA fashion, 1 minute after I wrote that the Nets propose a trade to Atlanta trading away Crawford. Atlanta had a locker with J. Crawford on it and it wasn't going to go empty)

One more Bermanism for the road.

Memphis selects Greivis "and Butthead" Vasquez.