Black Hole Turns Out Just to Be Ron Artest (satire)

Nick CafferkyCorrespondent IJune 14, 2010

LOS ANGELES, CA - JUNE 06:  Ron Artest #37 of the Los Angeles Lakers attempts a shot against Paul Pierce #34 of the Boston Celtics in Game Two of the 2010 NBA Finals at Staples Center on June 6, 2010 in Los Angeles, California. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and/or using this Photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement  (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

In a disappointing finding, scientists have come to the conclusion that what appeared to be the first documented black hole in the history of Earth, was in actuality, Ron Artest. 

The black hole, which was first sighted in early November, only seemed to take place when the Lakers had the ball and appeared to be wearing a jersey with the number “37” on it.

“I can’t explain it,” said Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant.” Every time I pass it to what I think is my teammate, the other team has the ball.”

This is what started to spark the interest of astronomers across the nation. If there was indeed a black hole that seemed to be traveling with the Lakers, huge educational gains could be made by studying it. 

However, what was thought to be the mystical disappearance of the ball, turned out to be nothing more than Artest being a ball-hog and a momentum-killer on offense. 

“At first I chalked up the turnovers to just Artest being inept at running an offense, but the more and more it happened, I began thinking there might be something to this ‘black hole’ story,” said head coach Phil Jackson. “I don’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. Either way, he is still killing us on offense.” 

As the Lakers enter game six of the NBA Finals, Coach Jackson’s game plan is starting to factor in Artest’s knack for handing the other team the ball—via terrible shot or turnover. 

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“Coach [Jackson] has told us to treat him just like another defender on offense because giving him the ball is just like turning the ball over,” said Derek Fisher. “Unless he is in the paint, giving him the ball is just a detriment to the team.” 

While there is no doubt as to Artest’s negative impact on offense, he will most likely remain in the rotation because of Los Angeles’ lack of a back-up plan in guarding Paul Pierce.

“Did you see Luke Walton try to guard me when Artest wasn’t in? Wasn’t that hilarious?” Pierce said. “I didn’t even have to flop like a little girl to score like I usually do.”