NBA First: Los Angeles Clippers and Golden State Warriors Merge!

The National Basketball Association announced over the weekend, the contraction of the league by one team, as a result of an unexpected merger.  This unprecedented move will allow the combination of two lottery-bound teams, the Los Angeles Clippers and the Golden State Warriors. 

“This happens all the time in the real world – companies merge – why not in the NBA?” commented an anonymous league official. 

According to sources within the Commissioner’s office, several team executives around the league were left speechless by the announcement.

With one playoff appearance for each team in the last decade, both teams were once again looking at an off-season full of uncertainty.

The Clippers have only five players under contract for next year.  No head coach and no GM. 

Although they have cleared enough cap space for the opportunity to offer LeBron James max money, people within the organization have already written-off their chances at signing the superstar.

“Let’s face it, there’s no way we’re going to get LeBron, Wade or Bosh,” said a source.  “I admit this move is pretty out of the box.  I think it actually makes us a better team -- people will actually be talking about this for a long time.”

Recently listed for sale by owner Chris Cohan, the Warriors ended their injury-plagued season with only five healthy players.  During their final game this year, their injury woes forced the team to take a technical foul in order to let Devean George return to the game with six fouls.

As recently as last week, Oracle CEO Larry Ellison was considered the only candidate to purchase the Warriors.  That is when real estate tycoon and Clippers owner Donald Sterling swooped in and made a “substantial” offer to acquire the Warriors franchise and also make a “remarkable” pitch to Commissioner David Stern in order to actually gain league approval for the merger. 

The unofficial plan thus far, for the Clippers-Warriors hybrid team, is to play at least half of their home games in Los Angeles and play the rest in Oakland. 

The new team will be aptly named the Whippers, a name that references the team’s youthful and bold personality. 

“This group of Whippersnappers will be California’s team,” said Sterling during a press conference. 

The team is expected to stay in LA but also play in the East Bay.  Although Donald Sterling has turned down several offers to relocate his Clippers franchise, playing some of their games in Oakland was a very acceptable compromise for Sterling who reportedly didn’t want to lose out on a notoriously loyal fan base in the Bay Area.

Brand new Whippers coach Don Nelson, the all-time leader in victories, supposedly salivated at the thought of going with a “small” starting rotation of four guards 6’3” and under– Baron Davis, Stephen Curry, Eric Gordon and Monta Ellis-with big man Chris Kaman at center, whose German ancestry, Nelson finds intriguing. 

“I can’t wait for the new season to start.  You’re going to see us run a lot,” said a thoroughly excited and visibly giddy Nelson.  “The last German player I coached is on his way to becoming a Hall of Famer, let’s see what I can do about Kaman.”

Blake Griffin, Corey Maggette, Andris Biedrins and Ronnie Turiaf are poised to be the primary reserves.

The acquisition of the Warriors also leaves the new Whippers team with some extra contracts and well over the salary cap.  Larry Riley, who will take over the general manager duties for the team, agreed that some moves will need to be made to reduce team salary.  

Some potential contract buyouts could be in the works. 

“I will take the time to evaluate this team in the next few weeks.  We will definitely be in a position to make some moves this summer,” said Riley in a telephone interview. 

Also armed with the #4 and #8 picks and two second-round picks in the upcoming draft he is expected to be a very busy man in the next few months.