SEC: A Politically Incorrect Way To Look at Expansion

Forget nice, forget political correctness. If you want the SEC to continue to be No. 1 and re-do conferences, this is how it should go.

First, let's get rid of the weak sisters.

Vanderbilt, you've claimed to be the Ivy League of the South, so join the Ivy league. You could rule that non-athletic conference, at least in football, and you'd stop being an embarrassment.

Kentucky, you're a basketball school and that's good, because you generally suck at football, at least SEC football. Go join the ACC and all those other basketball schools. Yes we know you've been to a few straight bowls, but so have all the other seven-win schools.

South Carolina, what were we thinking when we let you in? If you can't win with Spurrier, you don't deserve to be in the SEC. Join the ACC, we're planning on stealing a team or two from them, so just consider yourself a trade, OK? Besides, you might win a title over there.

And Mississippi State, I'm sorry, but so are you. Trying to get you in the win column is like trying to fly a bronze kite, an exercise in futility. Go join the MAC or something and give yourself a shot at a title once every 25 years.

So why keep Ole Miss and Auburn? Aren't they weak sisters too?

Yes, but Alabama loves to torture Auburn and we have to kiss Bama's butt because they are one of the great teams in the SEC, and even though they never seem to win any championships, Auburn does sometimes field good teams.

As for Ole Miss, we just like the way the rebels fit into the whole SEC scheme. They're good enough to keep teams honest, but bad enough to ensure some wins for the reasonably good teams.

Good, so now we're down to seven teams and need seven more. Next add the new seven.

Miami, can you get anymore south and east than that? Besides, you're a good team with a chance to be great again and the fans would enjoy that road trip.

Coming up north a bit, the University of Central Florida is going to be big in the next few years, football wise that is. There's just too much talent in that state for them not to be. With an enrollment already bigger than Florida, it's just a matter of time until the football program catches up.

Speaking of Florida schools, add Florida State. You begged us for years to be a part of the conference, and when we finally said OK, you said no. OK we're even, now you can join and quit being mad we turned you down at first.

Georgia Tech, sorry that you were a founding member of the SEC and left over that bad game with Alabama, but that's all behind us now. Come home. You still have about as many SEC titles as Auburn despite being gone from the conference since 1963.

Texas, with the Big Ten stealing some of your fine schools from the Big 12, jump that sinking ship and come on over to the SEC where you can party with the real big bulls in college football. It almost happened years ago, but now is the right time.

Texas A&M can coat tail Texas right in. We're going to need some new blood not just to fill spots vacated by our weak sisters, but to spill as well. We love your traditions and you at least still have the appearance of a good team, so having a new weak sister with a better pedigree is better than the ones we kicked out.

Lastly, Texas Tech, you bellyache all the time how great you are and how you get passed over for the big bowls that matter. Well join the SEC and put up or shut up. If you win here you won't be looked over any more.

Now that's a darn conference which should maintain a decent out of conference record and send a team to the BCS Championship every year, if they don't all kill one another first.

And there you have it, and you also realize why knuckle draggers don't rule the world or the SEC offices.