Late Bloomer-The Steve Nash Story: Casting

While we’re still all warm and fuzzy from our one night stand with the Oscars, before we realize they aren’t calling us back, and we were used for four boring hours and then dumped like used tires on the highway, I thought I’d pen myself a quick article, and answer one of the most pressing questions of our time. Yes, I can do that before breakfast. 

With nothing against Rudy, Ali, or that lineman for the Ravens who Sandra Bullock taught to play football, I think it's high time Hollywood produce a sport-themed bio-flick that people would actually want to see. Like, say, the story of the GREATEST CANADIAN EVER?

It's an idea so exciting, I didn't even have to turn on caps-lock. I just told my computer who we were typing about, and it went on automatically.

STEVE NASH. See?

But this raises the age-old barroom question: Who would play him? We often ask this about ourselves, usually when we’re drunk, and then we pick men and women who vaguely resemble us, but are way, way better looking (I'm going for Hayden Christensen. He's better looking, but I'm probably a better actor). 

But this is Steve Nash, international treasure and man-about-town. What he needs is a full-blown trilogy. Something starting in his younger years, and moving all the way to his present, grizzled incarnation.

The years at Santa Clara, the awkward haircuts, his first turn with the Suns, the frustration of the conference finals, and his broken bromance with Dirk Nowitzki.

Heck, we better make this a quadrilogy.

For this reason, we'll need an under-25 Hollywood rising star, so that we can stretch this run out until they're, well, you know, 36 or whatever.

So, without further ado, here are your nominees to play Steve Nash in "Late Bloomer, the Steve Nash story."

Shia LeBeouf : Transformers 1 and 2, A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints. Height: 5'10"

Does he look like him? Not really. Do I even like him? Well...no.

But that said, Shia LeBeouf has proven to be a major box-office draw. Look at how popular he made robots that beat each other up. Robots that beat each other up? How is THAT cool? Imagine what he would do when with some REAL material (trying to fight Robert Horry, for instance).

However, LeBeouf also seems to be commanding some large paydays, which could be a problem. We want to save our Canuck-bucks for a strong supporting cast of NBA stars who are desperate for money and fame. Yes, Stephon, I’m talking to you.

Anton Yelchin: Star Trek, Alpha Dog, Terminator 4. Height: 5’9”

Fact: Star Trek was awesome. Fact: He was in it. Fact: Steve Nash is awesome.  Conclusion? Maybe he should play Steve Nash. Huh. That argument was much more convincing in my head.

Ok, how about this? Yelchin was born in the former Soviet Union, which means he was born a communist. Steve Nash was born in Canada. And what kind of health care system does Canada have? Exactly. This would be funnier to me if I wasn't holding off having a root canal done until my insurance company's next fiscal year.

Zac Efron: Some movies I haven’t seen. Height: 5’10”

Honestly, when he hosted SNL, I had no idea who this guy was.

I thought maybe Matt Damon had called out sick, and somebody’s cute younger brother got to host. However, my wife says he’s the guy, so I looked him up, and apparently, in some movie, he plays basketball.

This might prove important.

He can also sing while playing basketball, which can’t hurt. While his hair doesn't quite reach Nashian levels of magnificence, it does provide a good starting point for the CGI team.

Daniel Radcliffe: Harry Potter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.  Some play where he showed his guy-bits. Height: 5’8”

Yes, he’s British, skinny, and awkward. Yes, the only athletic skills he’s shown us are sitting on a broom, and pointing a little stick at things and yelling.

So maybe you're saying: He showed his man bits on Broadway, so why doesn't he wait a few years, and play Greg Oden instead? Well, in a year or so, when Harry Potter's finished, this kid and his Nash-esque eyebrows are going to desperately need a job. In this way, he has something in common with Tracy McGrady. Buh-Zing!

Emile Hirsch: The Girl Next Door, Lords of Dogstown, Alpha Dog, Into the Wild, Milk, Speed Racer. Height 5'7"

An actor who can actually, you know, ACT, Emile has more of an artsy draw than some of the others on this list. Which is why, regrettably, I haven't seen a ton of his movies. So sue me. 

But that said, Speed Racer sounds like a sports movie, and I recall The Girl Next Door being really, really good (though I can’t recall why, must have been him).

Justin Long: Live Free or Die Hard. Several other movies that just seem to stop mattering once you see Live Free or Die Hard. Height 5'8"

He combines the hair, the charm, and is in a new movie every four minutes. However, at a paltry 5’8”, he, like all the other men on this list, falls somewhat short. You know what? I’m sick of trying to cast short guys.

Liam Neeson: Batman Begins, Kingdom of Heaven, Gangs of New York, TAKEN.

Too old? Steve Nash is essentially sixty.

Too big? He’s only an inch taller.

Too serenely European? Have you SEEN Taken? He spends forty minutes of the movie beating the living hell out of literally every single person he sees. His fighting style is a combination of old-man anger, receding hairlines, and meteorites.

In this way, he embodies Steve Nash’s playing style perfectly: Liam Neeson does not defend. He only attacks.

Essentially, Taken IS the Steve Nash story, only with bullets instead of assists.