NBA Trading Deadline: Cleveland Cavaliers Cut Everyone But LeBron James (Satire)

With the NBA trading deadline just days away, Cleveland General Manager Danny Ferry decided to end the suspense and cut everyone on the roster except LeBron James.

Ferry said James will play the remainder of the Cavaliers’ schedule by himself.

“I couldn’t take it any longer,” Ferry said. “Deciding who to trade and who to keep just became overwhelming, so I just got rid of all of them.”

Ferry apparently saw the light and decided to part with a roster that many fans and some members of the media agree is pretty much dead weight.

“I mean, really, they’re just a bunch of nobodies,” said Ferry. “None of them could even make the All-Star game.

“Look at Boston, they have three guys in the game. Atlanta has two. We’re clearly lacking in talent.”

The moves were made late Thursday, after the Cavs defeated Orlando for their 13th consecutive win, tying a team record.

“Thirteen straight, big deal,” Ferry said. “I don’t care if we went 82-0 with that group, they’re terrible."

Ferry was asked what convinced him this latest move was necessary.

“I’ve been surfing the Internet all week,” he said. “Message boards are full of comments pointing out how LeBron is our whole team, and nobody else is worth a darn. It was a wake-up call, believe me.”

Ferry didn’t attend Thursday’s game at Quicken Loans Arena, choosing to instead watch the game on TNT.

“Charles Barkley said at halftime that Orlando was the best team in the East,” Ferry said. “Then Kenny Smith said Boston was the best, when they’re healthy.

“That did it for me. I’m done coddling these losers.”

Ferry pointed out how no player from the Cavs was chosen for the Three-Point Shootout. Daniel Gibson was leading the league in three-point shooting, and Anthony Parker was fifth, but Ferry said looks are deceiving.

“Those threes are all to LeBron’s credit,” he argued. “Boobie and A.P. can’t do squat unless he’s on the floor. Nobody can.”

Ferry said it was equally embarrassing that no Cavs were chosen for the Rookie Challenge, the Skills Challenge or the H.O.R.S.E. event.

“Seriously, we’re not even popular with the league office in New York,” he lamented. “What good is winning game after game after game, if everybody keeps saying you stink?

“I feel like such a failure, to be duped into thinking we had talent here.”

Ferry said he’s been trying to work a trade for the New York Knicks’ entire roster.

“I read an article that said that the Knicks have more talent than the guys we got rid of, so I figure, why not try to bring their players here,” he said. “At least, that way, LeBron would stay with us this summer instead of signing with New York.”

Owner Dan Gilbert said he, too, realized he’d been kidding himself about his team.

“Take Mo Williams, for example,” said Gilbert. “For the last two years, he’s averaged 17 points a game as our point guard. That’s what Mark Price did 20 years ago, so we thought Mo was pretty good.

“Then Danny showed me those online message boards, and I couldn’t believe what people were saying,” he continued. “One fan pointed out that Mo is nothing but a ‘choker.’

“That was a punch in the gut, believe me. But we acted quickly and got rid of him, thank God.”

Ferry apologized profusely for the offseason trade that brought Shaquille O’Neal to Cleveland.

“We gave up too much to get him,” Ferry said softly. “Ben Wallace and Sasha Pavlovic...man, I really miss those guys, you know?

“Look at the rest of our roster,” he continued, shaking his head. “Hickson, Varejao, Moon, Jawad Williams—heaven help us."

“And to think we had Larry Hughes just two years ago,” he stammered, choking back tears.

When asked about James, Ferry admitted that playing one-on-five will be a challenge, but said the reigning MVP would be up to it. 

He was critical, however, of the dancing and make-believe photo sessions James had instigated during pregame introductions.

“It got the fans all noisy and pumped up, and that created an atmosphere where we were tough to beat at home” he muttered, a hint of anger in his voice. “It totally clouded the fact that we were awful.

“Besides, I prefer things calm and quiet, like they were when I played here.”

Gilbert looked emotionally drained as he spoke to the media.

“When I think of all the money we’ve put into remodeling our arena and building the best training facility in the league, just so we could have a world-class team and contend for a championship year after year, I just feel sick,” he said.

“People tried to warn us we were just LeBron and a bunch of nobodies, but it took us almost 60 games to figure it out for ourselves. It’s inexcusable.”

The owner was in a reflective mood as he spoke of the Cavaliers' future.

“I’ve realized that you have to ignore your instincts and listen to the critics,” Gilbert concluded.

"We had no right winning so many games with that roster. Things will be different here from now on, believe me."