NFL Speculator: The Alternative All Decade Team (Humor)

By most experts reckoning, Bill Belichick is the Coach of the Decade and the New England Patriots are the Team of the Decade.

Peyton Manning, of course, is the Player of the Decade, and his brother, Eli, made the Play of the Decade to David Tyree, which for one thing thrilled the hell out of Mercury Morris.

The New Orleans Saints are the "Feel Good Story" of the Decade, and now some on ESPN (the NFL Blog) are claiming the Saints will be the Team of the Next Decade.

Unless, of course, you live in New York. In that case, it's the Jets.

Well, all this is well known, so why rehash it?

That is why I have created an alternative Team of the Decade. Because there are just too many categories the experts have left out. Bill Belichick, you see, has won more than just Coach of the Decade.

Most Misspelled Coach of the Decade: Bill Bellichik...er, Bill Belicheck...er, Bill Billichick...er, Bill Bellyflop...

Most Hated Coach of the Decade: Bobby Petrino, for leaving the Falcons in the lurch in the midst of the 2007 season.

Best Looking Quarterback of the Decade: Mark Sanchez, who is GORGEOUS! A hundred times better looking than the guy he's compared to, Joe Namath. he is just so cute! Makes me want to be a Jets fan. And I guarantee it, Sanchez will be the best looking QB of the next decade, too!

Dumbest Play of the Decade: Brett Favre, with about a minute to go and just needing a 50-yard-or-so FG, decides to throw it on third down when he clearly could have run the thing (yes, I've actually seen Favre run it a few times) and gotten a couple more yards, throwing maybe his last pass ever just like he threw his previous last pass ever with the Packers: it was intercepted.

Regular Season Ironic Play of the Decade: The worst QB by far in Dolphins history, Cleo Lemon, throws an overtime TD pass to a guy no one ever heard of, Greg Camarillo, to keep a team that once went undefeated from going winless.

Dumbest Top First Round Draft Pick of the Decade: JaMarcus Russell. This guy can't throw a game... (Dishonorable mention: Alex Smith and David Carr--but at least these two seemed legit at the time. Russell probably shouldn't even have been drafted because he is not an NFL-styled QB).

Best Top First Round Pick of the Decade: Carson Palmer (though Eli Manning won a Super Bowl, and Jake Long and Mario Williams will be perennial All-Pros into the next decade)

Best Mr. Irrelevant of the Decade: Ryan Succop, who made the All Rookie Team this past year, and, besides, he's the only draft choice number 252 that I ever heard of.

Best Non-Drafted Player of the Decade: Tony Romo, who is a better QB than the one everyone complains about never winning in December. Well, he did win this past December.

Worst Team of the Decade Not Named the Detroit Lions: No, its not the Rams, because they have only been completely futile for the last three years. It has to be the entire decade; thus, I give this award to the Buffalo Bills, who have not done better than 9-7 this whole decade and have not made the playoffs this decade. (Since the Texans are an expansion team, I discounted them from this award, and appear to be heading for the playoffs soon. Dishonorable mention: Cleveland Browns).

Show-boater of the Decade: Clinton Portis, who beat out Chad Ocho Cinco and Terrell Owens by a mask.

Fattest Head Coach of the Decade Not Named Rex Ryan: Andy Reid.

Most Emotional Coach of the Decade Not Named Dennis "the Bears are who we thought they were!" Green: Tony Sparano, who may become the first head coach to die of a heart attack if he doesn't slow on the sidelines. (And you thought I was gonna say Rex Ryan!)

Best Head Coach Quote That Isn't Mora's "P-P-Playoffs?" Quote: Herm Edwards, for "You play to win the game!"

Best Head Coach Epithet of the Decade: Rex "Son of a Ryan" Ryan.

Worst Head Coach Epithet of the Decade: Nick "Satan" Saban.

Most Misunderstood of the Decade Award: to those who think putting out a Team of the Decade needed to be put out in 2010--the first decade of the 21st century ends on December 31, 2010, not 2009!