New Resolutions for the Old Lady of Turin!

It was supposed to be Juventus’ big season. Things have, however, not gone quite as planned. For that reason all the players have come together, and after careful consideration, written down their New Year’s resolutions as they promise to step up their game after the restart.

Gianluigi Buffon —promises to continue giving away hints of his real identity with his gravity-defying super-saves and continue performing them on a weekly basis—just because he can.

Alexander Manninger —promises to buy his own storage of rouge and stop stealing it from his wife’s make-up bag. That’s not cool.

Antonio Chimenti —promises to continue praying that he will one day pull on the black and white jersey again. Perhaps if he loosened the breaks on…

Nicola Legrottaglie —promises to use the extra brain cells he got for Christmas in order to remember that it’s football he’s playing—not handball. Jesus, please help the poor guy out.

Giorgio Chiellini —promises to take over the role as "The Thing" in an eventual third movie about the "Fantastic Four" by acting a brick wall in the defense.

Fabio Cannavaro —promises not to kick his teammates in the chest anymore, but he wouldn’t shy away from stealing some of Buffon’s super-powers in order to regain some of that super-speed.

Christian Molinaro —promises to continue amusing the opposition by kicking himself on his various body parts—or getting kicked at. Anything for the sake of entertainment.

Fabio Grosso —promises to bring better precision to his crosses instead of shooting them into the bleachers and knocking out innocent spectators—automatically reducing the number of subpoenas and hours spent in the courthouse.

Martín Caceres —promises to try and calm himself a bit and not give away clumsy free-kicks and/or penalty scares every five minutes. A few strands of white are reported to have appeared on Ciro Ferrara’s head. We don’t want the poor fellow to look like the self-proclaimed special one, now do we?

Zdenek Grygera —promises to spread the joy to his best abilities by doing his best Molinaro impressions to keep the players sitting in the dug-out amused.

Jonathan Zebina —promises to take anger management classes during the remainder of the season due to unresolved father issues. It’s nothing to be ashamed of Jon, we all have issues.

Paolo De Ceglie —promises that he will take out Ashton Kutcher and take over his life if he doesn’t break into the starting eleven—soon. Better start watching your back, Kutcher.

Tiago —promises to be a good boy and buy his own Catania jerseys from now on instead of trying to undress Nicolás Spolli in the penalty area. Play nice, Tiago.

Felipe Melo —promises to go to therapy and grow a pair ahead of the restart in order to continue "the best year of his career." He would also like to take the chance and give a big shout-out to Alessio Secco by saying, "If I go down, I’m taking you with me!"

Christian Poulsen —promises to continue showing off that he was right by forcing a stay in the summer. Thank you very much Mrs. Poulsen, the fans couldn’t have been happier considering how a certain unnamed Brazilian has performed so far.

Hasan Salihamidzic —promises to live on the memory of his goal against Catania for the rest of the season as he laughs at the Molinaro impressions from the front row—or seat.

Claudio Marchisio —promises to become the Old Lady’s best knight and truly fight for her honor, considering that no one else is really putting in an effort.

Mohamed Sissoko —promises to stop panicking every time the ball comes his way and start distributing it more effectively. Just envision the ball finding a pair of feet —that means ground level.

Mauro Camoranesi —promises to stop covering his eyes with his hands when he watches his teammates from the stand after the restart, while he recovers from his umpteenth injury.

Diego —promises to put on a few pounds and spend more time on his feet than on his face.

Sebastian Giovinco —promises to ask the magical fairy that visits him every night if she can help him grow a couple of inches over the winter break so that he doesn’t get lost during practice—or wander away like Ciro Ferrara claims he has done on so many occasions this season.

David Trezeguet —promises to start living his life on-side and score lots and lots of goals to prove everybody who doubted him how very wrong they were. Playing hide-and-seek in Turin is so totally in right now.

Alessandro Del Piero —promises to dust of his shining armor and repeat last year’s performances without directly saying the phrase: "In yo faces!" He’s a gentleman, after all.

Vincenzo Iaquinta —promises to accept the existence of his teammates, who also happen to stand close to the goal area. Repeat after me: "football is a team sport."

Amauri —promises to stop nagging every time the ball doesn’t want to listen to him. Well guess what, it’s not all about you, Amauri. Try listening to the ball’s emotions for once. Nobody likes getting kicked around all day so how about you just take one for the team?

Ciro Ferrara —didn’t want to be left out, and considering his limited time at the club he has made his own set of New Year’s resolutions. Ferrara promises to try and keep a cool head in his last two games—or training sessions—coaching his old side as he prays for a miracle. In addition, he has sworn to stop lying about Giovinco’s whereabouts during the matches. After some intensive therapy sessions he has also come to the realization that size does not matter. Just because the little guy’s tiny, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t exist. He has agreed to apologize.

Hoping for the turn-around to come very soon!

Until then, happy New Year everybody!