The Lengths That GSP Will Go To (Satire)

This is my first article written for Bleacher Report, and is intended as satire.

Rudy Valentino is the long term trainer of UFC lightweight champion BJ Penn. He has recently gone on record to accuse welterweight champion Georges St-Pierre of using performance enhancing steroids, an accusation originally levelled by Penn several months ago.

You can read what Valentino recently said about GSP in the original article.

In an attempt to shed more light on these allegations, "certain people" have recently conducted another interview with Mr. Valentino. For obvious reasons this reporter cannot be named, so for the purpose of this article he will be referred to as "Mr. X".

What follows is the transcription of the so-called interview between "Mr. X" and BJ Penn trainer Rudy Valentino:

Mr. X: So Rudy, recently you have been talking about Georges St-Pierre, claiming that he has been using performance enhancing substances, namely steroids, which combined with the over-use of Vaseline gave GSP an advantage in his fights with BJ Penn.

Rudy: This is correct.

Mr.X: You also stated that this information was brought to you by someone who had trained with GSP. Obviously we have no reason to doubt your integrity or that of your so-called sources, but given the lack of evidence we want to ask you one more time:

Do you think it is possible that GSP does not cheat, and that he is just a better fighter than BJ?

Rudy: That is a very good question. Let me just start by pointing out, greasing and juicing are not the only ways in which GSP cheats the system. In fact, that is just the tip of the iceberg.

Mr. X: With respect Mr. Valentino if we could just get back to the question...

Rudy: Please, call me Rudy. Certain people who have trained with GSP in the past know all about what he gets up to, and I feel it is my duty to let the people know the truth. For example, the shorts he wears when he fights.

Mr. X: You are saying that there is something wrong with his fighting apparel?

Rudy: What I have heard is that other than his gloves, GSP does not actually wear any fighting apparel!

Mr. X: Wait, what...

Rudy: It might seem shocking at first, but in fact his shorts are merely painted on! Do you really think it is physically possible to wear shorts that are that small without some kind of damage to his man glands?! Of course not, that is because down there he is like a clothes shop mannequin.

It is so obvious, the evidence is right there in the tapes. He has clearly had his junk removed and painted over so that he can fight without apparel, making him more streamlined and slippy. This gives him a distinct advantage over all other fighters, who generally leave their genitalia intact.

Mr. X:  Surely you are not actually saying that GSP has had surgery so that he doesn't have to wear shorts in the ring?

Rudy: There are currently no tests for some types of PEC..

Mr. X: Wait, PEC?

Rudy: Performing enhancing castration. Like I said, it is difficult to confirm tests for many types of PEC at the moment, and GSP will continue to get away with it, but if we don't speak up about it then nobody will.

We can't prove it right now, we are just saying look at the tapes and make up your own minds about GSP and his so-called package.

Mr. X: Right uh... Back to the original question then. Supposing that none of these allegations are confirmed, is it at all possible that GSP is just a better...

Rudy: And then there are the baby seals.

Mr. X: Baby... Seals?

Rudy: Yep, baby seals. Hundreds of them. Maybe thousands. How else do you suppose GSP maintains his glowing, radiant, sleek shiny skin? Most fighters get sleek and shiny when they fight or train, but GSP is like that all the time, does that sound right to you?

I am telling you there is only one way GSP can get that kind of complexion - by drinking brain fluid straight out of the heads of live baby seals with a straw.

Mr. X: Rudy, I think we might be getting a little off track here...

Rudy: Oh you think? You really think this kind of stuff doesn't happen? All of these so-called ambassadors for the sport like GSP, with their squeaky clean image and pin-up good looks and cute little buns never stick a straw in the head of a baby seal and suck out all that brain juice?!

I mean, you can take this stuff right up to the time of the fight and not test positive. That's what we suspect he did in the fight.

You guys are all like "Oh hey, GSP is such a nice guy he would never be into that sort of thing". Well let me inform you right here - you are naive if you think that. You don't have a clue man.

Mr. X: Rudy I ain't calling you a liar, I am just saying to make these kind of wild accusations without proof...

Rudy: Wild accusations? Proof?! Who needs proof man, you can freakin' prove anything with your so-called "proof". I mean, I don't have any kind of "evidence" or "proof", I am just telling you the cold hard facts here.

Mr. X: That doesn't even make any sense. Look Rudy, I guess I am not going to get an answer regarding whether you think GSP is a better fighter or...

Rudy: Juice! Grease! Glove-loading! Chinese herbal remedies! Uhh... Cyborg implants!

Mr. X: Rudy....

Rudy: Genetic engineering! Uhhh... Alien technology! Voodoo! Robots from the future!!! GREASE!!!

Mr. X: Thanks for your time Rudy.

Rudy: My pleasure.

That concludes the transcription of the so-called interview.

I would like to thank "Mr. X" for his correspondence, and just to clarify, I have no proof that the above so-called interview actually took place, I am merely passing on information brought to me by an anonymous third party.