The Toilet Bowls: Why the BCS Really Stinks

December, and a young college man’s fancy turns to the bowl season.  Starting on December 19, the pooh bahs of college pigskin will play a whopping 34 bowl games.  Which means that 68, or over half , of the Division I college teams will be eligible play in a bowl.  No wonder they have to load up on 1-AA schools.

Someone pass the Sani-Flush.

We could have a playoff.   A 16 team version would require only 15 bowls.  But we could have a full, 32 team playoff that would utilize 31 of the bowls.  The winners of the 11 conferences plus the top 21 rated teams. 

It’s workable; first round in the first two weeks of December, final eight the third or fourth week of December, quarter finals on New Years in the four “traditional” bowls. , with semi’s a week later and the championship in mid January.

Not much different or a longer season that is currently played, and gets rid of the big December layover (when the kids are out of school after finals).  Most of the current bowls would get to remain.  But noooooooooo...instead we have the BCS.

The problem with the BCS isn’t really who is No. 1 .  The so-called championship this year, Alabammie versus Tejas, should be a fine match up, albeit one that undefeated teams like TCU, Cincinnati and Boise State might have a bit of a quarrel with.  But the real problem is with the undercard.  Because with 34 bowls and no-play off, that means a heck of a lot of really crappy 7-5 or 6-6 teams get to go to a bowl. 

The BCS tells us that the bowl system needs to be preserved because of the “tradition” and “history” of the bowls.  But, other than the biggies (Rose, Orange, Sugar and to a lesser extent Fiesta and Cotton) most bowls don’t really have much of a pedigree.

I’m sorry, but anything with a name like the Little Ceasar’s Bowl, Mieneke Car Bowl, Champs Sports Bowl, or Eagle Bank Bowl (real names, I’m not makin’ em’ up) will never be a considered a classic, given that the root of the word “classic” is “class.”

So, in honor of these BCS and bowl committees shameless hucksters of hype, purveyors of spin, and barkers of shill, here are the bottom ten bowls this year, rated from one turd (slightly stinky) to five turds (aftermath of a cheese burrito dinner ), in the order of their game play date.

New Mexico Bowl (12/19).   Fresno State (8-4, WAC) vs. Wyoming (6-6, Mountain West).  Two turds.   This flusher kicks off the bowl season.  Fresno State is halfway decent with a great running back but Wyoming?  Cowboy up, it’s brokeback mountain time, as the Cowboys have trouble scoring.  Their resounding one point victory on their last game of the year against a 3-9 Colorado State team vaulted them into this.  Wow.

Little Ceasar’s Bowl (12/26).  Ohio (9-4, MAC) vs. Marshall (6-6, Conference USA). Two turds.   Another game in which a half decent mid tier conference team gets a crappy mid tier conference team. Marshall got blown out by UTEP amongst others, and has fired their coach before the game. 

This thing is named after pizza that makes Chef Boy ar Dee canned ravioli look like fine Italian cuisine and is played in Detroit.  If that doesn’t turn your stomach, I don’t know what will.

Gaylor Hotels Music City (12/27).   Clemson (8-5 ACC,) vs. Kentucky (7-5 SEC).  One turd.   Both these teams had mediocre seasons, but got picked to go to this bowl in Nashville because their redneck, hillbilly fan base will follow them just about anywhere.  Clemson gasped and wheezed their way into the ACC championship, but simply can't play away from home...not even at woeful Maryland.

Kentucky is good...at basketball.  The fans, however, should have a delightful time listening to the Grand ol’Opry and eating chicken at The Cock of the Walk Restaurant.  But their cheerleaders are hot, so only one turd here.

Independence (12/28).   Georgia (7-5 SEC) vs. Texas A&M (6-6, Big 12). Two turds.   The Aggies of A&M did give Texas a good game…but also lost 62-14 to Kansas State, 65-10 to Oklahoma and 47-19 to Arkansas. 

Since they are another school with a rabid fan base, so we get to…whup, gig em…watch them play a middle of the road Georgia Bulldog squad in a so what game.  Shreveport, where this game is played, has casinos and stays open all night, so at least there is some relief after the bad football.

Eagle Bank (12/29).   Temple (9-3 MAC) vs. UCLA (6-6, PAC-10). Two turds.   Temple was so bad for so long that they got kicked out…that’s right, kicked out…of the Big East. 

So, joining the MAC and loading their schedule up with patsies, they managed to actually win nine games and get into their first bowl game in a generation...um, two generations, 30 years.  They get to play a stellar 6-6 UCLA squad, assuming Navy can take care of Army tommorow. They’ll lose.

Humanitarian (12/30) Idaho (7-5, WAC) vs. Bowling Green (7-5, MAC). Three turds.   It would be humanitarian if they called this thing off.  Two crappy 7-5 schools from mid tier leagues square off in beautiful Boise Idaho, where the blue field makes you think you’re having a flashback from all that stuff you “experimented” with in your college days (or daze).

This will be about as much fun as watching your drinking buddy upchuck in the back seat of your vehicle after one too many at the tailgate party.

Insight. (12/31).   Iowa State (6-6, Big 12) vs. Minnesota (6-6, Big 10) Three turds.   A stunning example of a lousy bowl game that redefines the word mediocre.  How’s this for an insight? Have a couple of teams who have actual winning records at your friggin bowl, so it will be of interest to those of us who do not live in Minneapolis or Des Moines. 

The game is in Tempe, so the respective fan bases from the upper plains will be there, if only to have an excuse to get out of the cold and stop freezing their rear ends off for a few days.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces (12/31).   Houston (10-3, conference USA) vs. Air Force (7-5, Mountain West). One turd.   On the surface, not a bad game.  Houston was actually in the top 25 most of the season.  Except they played this game last year.  With the same two teams.  In Fort Worth.  Just like this year.  Again.  Yawn.

Alamo (1/2) Texas Tech (8-4, Big 12) vs. Michigan State (6-6, Big 10).  Three turds.   Texas Tech’s record is always padded by a non conference schedule that brings the word “cupcake” to mind.  This year was no exception, as they loaded up with a 1-11 New Mexico team, a 1-11 Rice team and a Division 1AA South Dakota team. 

They face a Michigan team that has eight, count em’, eight starters suspended for misbehavin’.  Of their six wins, three came against Division I-AA Montana State and MAC teams Western Michigan and Central Michigan.  And that was WITH the now suspended players.  Stinky, stinky, stinky.

International (1/2).   USF (7-5 Big East) vs. Northern Illinois (7-5 MAC). Three turds .  Two more lousy 7-5 teams.  Will anyone that is not an alumni watch?  Will the alumni even watch?  Will you be able to fire a shotgun in the end zone sections and hit anything?  This thing is played in Toronto, so maybe they should use CFL rules just for grins and giggles.

Now, aren’t you glad we don’t have a playoff?