New Frontrunner for Heisman Causing Storm of Controversy

Dateline: Somewhere in Texas, December 10, 2009

Just when you thought this Heisman thing was all figured out, the DownTown Athletic Club drops a bombshell like this. Move over, Colt McCoy, Mark Ingram, Ndamukong Suh, Tony Gerhart, and Tim Tebow. The guest list has been expanded by one.

Apparently, Gene Strother (pronunciation uncertain), a little-known blogger in Texas, has emerged as the front-runner for the prize. The news has spread like a virus across the Internet, turning the sports world on its proverbial ear.

Investigations are already underway into the newest candidate's past, as allegations have emerged that he never played so much as a down of collegiate football.

We were able to obtain a contact number for this Mr. Strother, and conducted the following interview:

Us: "Mr. Strawtherrr, is it?"

Him: "Close enough."

Us: "Mr. S, the Heisman committee announced today that you have been invited to the ceremony as a candidate for the award, yet no one has been able to figure out how that happened. Did you, in fact, play for a division one NCAA team this year?"

Him: "No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night."

Us: "Huh?"

Him: "Just kidding, dude. Listen, these awards are easy to win. I mean, look at Al Gore. He gets the Nobel for his work on global warming, and now we have this ClimateGate thing. The whole thing may be a sham. I mean, here in Texas, it is colder than a well-digger's butt right now."

Us: "I don't understand..."

Him: "Now, you have Barrack Obama accepting the Nobel Peace Prize today, and for what? Because he said, 'I think peace is good?'"

Us: "What does any of this have to do with you winning the Heisman?"

Him: "Well, I looked at how incredibly low the bar is set for these big time awards these days. Gore doesn't even adjust his thermostat in that Tennessee mansion he occupies, but he wins a big-time prize because an iceberg might have been set adrift somewhere. Obama gets his trophy for God knows what. So, I figured, what the heck."

Us: "That still doesn't explain how you managed to get your name on the ballot."

Him: "I just called them up and told them how much I love to watch a good college football game and sent them a picture of me doing just that and they called me back the next day and said, 'You're in.'"

Us: "And you do not feel bad about possibly stealing that trophy from a deserving athlete?"

Him: "Well, I did at first. But then I remembered that Gino Torretta and Eric Crouch also won it. That made me feel better."

The interview was unfortunately cut short when the Gatorade people called in on Mr. Strother's other line. Apparently, the Tiger Woods story means the bar for corporate spokesmen has been lowered, as well.

(In light of these developments, I plan to submit this article for consideration for the Nobel prize in literature. I will keep you posted.)