My Journey To the Palace of Wisdom (Part 2)

My tour of the first floor of the Palace of Wisdom was certainly interesting to say the least. There was so much that I was not prepared to see.

As John Morrison continues his personal guided tour of his house, I can only imagine what other surprises I will encounter.

Morrison: …And that was the first time I had crabs.

Me: Thanks for sharing that with me, John. Does Melina know about your little “friends”?

Morrison: You leave my spicy senorita alone!

Me: Relax, John, I was just kidding. This corridor is massive, how long until we reach your gym?

Morrison: Patience, my young padawan. We will be approaching my gym in a few moments.

Me: (Shaking my head)

Morrison: Behold my personal gymnasium, the Gym of Greatness!

Me: Ugh.

The doors opened to reveal the most impressive gym I had ever seen in my life. All of the equipment was brand new and state of the art. My excitement quickly waned after we took a few steps inside.

Me: What in the world is that God-awful smell!?!

Morrison: My goodness, that is quite pungent. Hmm… I have found the problem, seems like Dave left some droppings the last time he was up here. I should tell Simon to stop feeding him so much spinach.

Me: Well, I don’t know about you, but I can’t handle this smell. Guess we should move on to another room.

Morrison: Don’t be ridiculous; give me one second to handle this.

Morrison walked over to a small house phone located at the entrance to the gym. He told the person on the other line that there was a situation that needed to be dealt with immediately.

All the while he was on the phone he was flexing and admiring his six-pack abs.

That bastard.

Morrison: The situation is under control.

Just then the last two men I would ever expect entered the gym.

Me: Shelton Benjamin and Christian!! Why in the world are these two your janitors?

Morrison: I prefer the term Environmental Cleansers. With ECW going down the toilet soon, I knew they would be looking for work. So I took them in. This is why people love me.

Christian: Shut up, you moron! When have you ever heard a legitimate pop in your life? The peeps will make sure I get brought over to Smackdown or Raw.

Morrison: Maybe, but for now you should stop worrying about your peeps, and worry more about these poops.

Shelton : Wow, and people complain about my mic skills. John your jokes are terrible, and it when it comes to wrestling ability, I completely outclass you. I am the gold standard after all.

Morrison: That will be enough out of you, Kohler.

Me: Kohler?

Morrison: Yes, Kohler is the standard when it comes to toilets. Since Shelton works for me now, I figure he should still be the standard of something. Now clean up this mess. I’m not paying you by the hour.

Me: Wow, for someone who hasn’t accomplished too much during his career, you sure have a sense of superiority.

Morrison: Nah, the WWE treats these guys like crap, so I figured I could, too.

After a few minutes, Shelton and Christian clean up Batista’s mess and leave the gym.

Morrison: As you can see this is my personal gym. I utilize everything in here to keep myself in phenomenal shape.

Me: This is amazing, John. What sort of workout routine do you follow? What gives you the best results?

Morrison: You will be surprised to know that of all things that contribute to my awesome physique, ribbon dancing benefits me the most.

Me: What!?! Ribbon Dancing!?

Morrison: I know how it sounds, that’s why I am going to show you my routine.

Before I could say anything else, Morrison ran off to change into a pink leotard and grabbed his trusty ribbon. I must say I was very impressed with his routine, although he danced to a very bizarre song choice.

Me: Well, that was different.

Morrison: Would you call it enlightening?

Me: Yeah sure…

Morrison: Well let’s move on to the Chamber of Concentration.

Me: Again with the alliteration?

Morrison: Gesundheit!

We began walking down another long, winding hallway.

Me: Why do you have a “Chamber of Concentration”?

Morrison: Because I believe I should be both mentally strong as well as physically gifted.

Me: Fair enough.

Morrison: Prepare yourself to be overwhelmed with knowledge!

Me: You sound like the guy from Reading Rainbow…

Morrison opened the door, and much to my surprise I saw Matt Striker sitting at a desk in a classroom setup.

Striker: Salutations, Jonathan and friend.

Me: Is Matt Striker your personal tutor?

Morrison: Not quite, he teaches me big and impressive words so that I can enhance my vocabulary.

Striker: Indubitably.

Morrison: I love it when he does that! What’s today’s word, Matt?

Striker: Today’s word is derisory, and I will use it in a sentence; The comparisons between John Morrison and Shawn Michaels are derisory.

Derisory (adj) – Laughable, ridiculous, absurd

Morrison: Thank you, Matt, I can’t wait to discover what that word means and use it in my everyday vocabulary!

Striker: My pleasure, my young mug.

Just then Kofi Kingston walked into the classroom to take over for Striker.

Me: Hang on a second, what could Kofi Kingston possibly teach you?

Morrison: Kofi speaks about twelve languages. Even though the WWE claims that he is from West Ghana, the WWE Universe would be shocked to know that Kofi is actually Russian, and that his real name is Kofi Kingstonivich.

Kingston : It’s true. The WWE wasn’t sure what do with me, thankfully I speak so many languages that I was eventually able to find something that works.

Me: Now that you mention it, I can see a little Russian in you.

Morrison: So anyway, Kofi is here to teach me to speak other languages, so that I might enlighten others around the world. He is currently in the process of teaching me Latin.

Kingston : That’s correct. Do you remember the phrase we went over yesterday?

Morrison: Yes sir, it was Carpe Diem.

Kingston : Very good John. Can you translate that for me please?

Morrison: (with a big smile on his face) Seize the carp!

Me: (muttering to myself) What a moron…

Kingston : Not quite, it means seize the day. Keep working on it, John.

Morrison: Well, that was a mental workout! Let’s go get some fresh air on my balcony.

As we began walking towards the Palace’s balcony, Morrison tried cracking another Mr. Ziggles joke. They weren’t funny then, they aren’t funny now.

Morrison: Welcome to my garden terrace.

Me: Wow John, this place is absolutely beautiful. It’s so green and lush.

Morrison: This is one of my top priorities in the Palace. I like to have a place to go to just relax.

Then I see two familiar faces not to far off in the distance engaged in a game of chess.

Me: Finlay and the Undertaker are playing chess up here, that is so cool!

Morrison: I suppose, although the two don’t really move much. In fact neither one of them has made a move since I was up here yesterday afternoon.

Me: Are those vultures circling the Undertaker?

Morrison: Yes, I try my best to keep them at bay; otherwise they would have their way with him.

Me: True, he isn’t very mobile anymore.

Morrison: Before I show you my bedroom, I want to you to see my entertainment room.

Me: Sounds good.

As we left the balcony, I took one last look at the Undertaker and the menacing vultures above that are seemingly licking their chops.

While heading over to the entertainment room, Morrison was bragging about how he has musical guests perform at his house weekly. He says that this week is a real treat, as he will be hosting a rap battle between R-Truth and John Cena.

Morrison: This is very exciting, two rappers in the prime of their careers going at it!

Me: You can’t be serious…

Morrison: Alright Truth, you start.

Truth: What’s Up!?

Cena: You can’t see me!

Morrison: Wow, throwing haymakers early.

Truth: What’s Up!?

Cena: My time is now!

Truth: What’s Up!

Cena: A soldier, and I stay under you fightin'
Plus I'm stormin' on you chumps like I'm thunder and lightning

Morrison: I love Cena’s rap style. His rhyme scheme and word play are so complex. I think we have a winner!

Me: That was incredibly painful to watch and listen to. Are we almost done here yet?

Morrison: We have but one more stop to make, the epicenter of the Palace of Wisdom, my bedroom.

As we began walking towards John’s room, I began processing everything I had seen and heard in the palace. Then I came to a conclusion, John Morrison is nothing but abs and a smile.

Could anything he would show me in his bedroom change that notion; smart money says probably not.

Morrison: Prepare yourself, because you are about to enter…my room!

One look on the bed cemented my previous assessment.

Me: Why in the world is their a Bedazzler out on your bed!?

Morrison: Oh that, it’s nothing...

Me: The Miz was right, you really do bedazzle your tights!

Morrison: I can’t help it if I like to be creative and decorate my outfit.

Me: Why is it so dark in here?

As I flip on the lights the room is revealed to be plastered with Shawn Michaels posters, photos, and other memorabilia.

Me: My goodness, obsessed much?

Morrison: It isn’t my fault. (begins to weep) The WWE is insisting that I learn everything I can about Shawn. They really want me to be him. Why can’t they just let me be myself?

Me: John, I had no idea you felt this strongly. Maybe it would be a good idea if you told the WWE you felt this way.

Morrison: But then they would kick me out of the Palace, and I’m putting in a moat next week.

Me: I see. Despite all of the absolute ridiculousness I have seen here today, this place is still pretty sweet. Maybe you should just suck it up and deal with it.

Morrison: Thanks for the advice. You want to stick around tonight, the Divas are coming over and we are going to have a party.

Me: A sexy party?

Morrison: Would you expect anything less?

After spending the better part of the day with John Morrison, I realized there really isn’t too much depth to his personality.

But at the end of the day he lives in an awesome house and gets to have sexy parties with the Divas; sounds like a pretty good life to me.