NBA Commissioner David Stern: Please Leave a Message at the Beep

*RING----RING----RING----RING*

Hello. You have reached the offices of the commissioner of the National Basketball Association, David Stern.

I'm sorry I'm not here to take your call right now, but rest assured that I am either hobnobbing with very glamorous and important celebrities, berating some tiresome and overly accusatory talk show hosts, or otherwise using my stature as commissioner of the NBA to promote and improve the sport of basketball in every corner of the globe, (and to otherwise keep that jerk Roger Goodell from hogging too much of the spotlight--the loser).

Anyway, if you think that you are indeed important enough to garner my already overstretched attention, then please feel free to leave a brief message after the beep, and I will have one of my underlings send you a form letter. Thank you.

*BEEP*

"Yeah, Sternsy? T-Bone, here. Listen chief, I can't say too much on the machine, you know, but our arrangement seems to be working out pretty well. Sorry I doubted you. I guess that's why you're in charge, huh? Okay, keep me in the loop." click

*BEEP*

"Hey, David. Calling one of the games straight while the heat is on? Genius. Goodell has nothing on you. (That loser.) Anyway, see you at the club." click

*BEEP*

"Yes sir, Mr. Stern. This is 'Gray Shirt' reporting in. I'm afraid the rest of the officiating crew and I...errr, I mean the 'Whistleblowers' and I...oh, s#!%. Sorry, sir. I'll call back." click

*BEEP*

"Yes, Mr. Stern? This is Senator Arlen Specter calling. I know you are a very busy man, Mr. Stern, but I just had a few questions for you regarding the New England Patriots and their videotaping..." click

*BEEP*

"David? MJ. Hey, I'm missing a payment this month. I know you got other things on your mind and all, but this is the second time this year the envelope is light, okay? I didn't come back from retirement for you all those years ago just so I could call you every week looking for my money. Get on it. Hanes ain't gonna pay me forever, man." click

*BEEP*

"Arlen Specter again, Mr. Stern. It seems that your machine must have cut me..." click

*BEEP*

"This is 'Gray Shirt' reporting back in, Mr. Stern. I was calling to verify if 'Operation Chips Fall' is still up and running, or if we are to switch back to 'Operation Home Fave'?  I know you told us you were trying to squeeze seven games out of these two teams, sir. But...errr, I mean, 'string out the subjects', oh s#!%! Sorry, sir. I'll call back." click

*BEEP*

"Yeah, Stern? Donaghy. I enjoy watching you sweat, you know that? You can deny it all you want, but you're going down, buddy. You and all the other lemmings in your 'most measured and metricized group of employees'. Hah! That's a joke, Stern! You hear me? A joke! Hey, let go of me! I said let go, you dirty screw! I got rights, you know...Give me back that phone you..." click

*BEEP*

"Mr. Stern, this is Roger Goodell's office calling. Mr. Goodell has asked me to remind you once again that he does not wish to receive any more issues of Playgirl magazine, even as a gift from your office, and firmly demands that you cancel the subscription immediately. And please stop driving by his house and honking." click

*BEEP*

"Uh, Mr. Stern? David? It's Kobe. Umm...what's going on, sir? I did everything you said and now this? We're down three games to one. No one has ever come back from three games to one in the Finals. I mean, a team would have to be the greatest basketball team ever to come back from...hey, wait a minute...Oh, geez! That's it, isn't it? I just got it, and it's brilliant! Sorry, Mr. Stern. So sorry to call you, sir. I'll see you after the season. And thanks! (Man, Shaq is gonna be so...)" click

*BEEP*

"Mr. David Stern? This is the New York Public library. Are you ever going to return our DVD movie Space Jam or should we just bill you for it? Again." click

*BEEP*

"Yes, Mr. Stern. This is Dr. Shliffenhofer. I'm afraid the news is not good. You are in the peak of health. So sorry. Call me when you can." click

*MESSAGES-FULL*