White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen Surprised to Discover He Is Kind of a Jerk

While filling out his lineup card and listening to the local news on television, Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen had an epiphany that promises to rock the entire Chicago sports community, and indeed the world.

The Major League skipper has become aware that he is a major league jerk.

"It was like a bolt of th' lightning," said the hot-headed Guillen while sitting in his office before a game. "I am filling out my lineup card, pencilling pornographic cartoons and the f-word in the margins like I always do, and then I hear it. On tv. A crazy person screaming about the players and Ken Williams and Jay Mariotti. Sounds like Desi Arnaz with Tourette's Syndrome, I am saying."

"And then I look up. And oh my god, the lunatic is me!"

The manager then took off his sunglasses and a tear fell down his stubbled cheek.

"That is when I knew," he said through his tears. "For years I was blocking, I guess. But there is no blocking now. That one news spot with the guy who looks like a homo in Elton John makeup interviewing me...it made me see the light."

Asked what he has said in his career that he most regrets, Guillen looks incredulous.

"Well, there's lots of things, you stupid (expletive). That's kind of the point, isn't it? What, you think I'm an idiot because I'm Mexican? I'm Venezuelan, you stupid mother(expective)."

After Guillen calmed himself by throwing his Jim Thome bobblehead doll across the room, he was pressed to name just one thing that he has said and which he now regrets.

"Okay, okay...I guess I'm sorry I made those remarks about Magglio Ordonez. Saying he's got an enemy in me and (expletive). I still got people who could (expletive) him over. But now, I won't let them unless it's absolutely necessary."

Anymore?

"That argument with Phil Cuzzi? I regret not calling him an (expletive) eating (expletive), because he is."

Guillen then got out of his chair, walked calmly over to the Thome bobblehead, and crushed it under his shoe. He mumbled something barely audible that sounded like, "You better start hitting, you (expletive) country (expletive)," and then sat back down.

After a brief pause and a sigh, he spoke again.

"I have thrown lots of people under the bus in my career," Guillen says, barely above a whisper now. "My players...my general manager...the owner...the guy who washes the towels...the girl behind the counter at Taco Bell...my hairdresser...some homeless guy in Seattle...secretary of State Condoleeza Rice...Clay Aiken...lots of people...lots and lots of people."

"But I promise that things are going to be much different. Starting today."

"From now on, I will almost feel a little bad when I do it."