NHL Announces Toronto Maple Leafs Bail Out Plan

Though many in Leafland are expecting the addition of "savior in waiting" Phil Kessel to the lineup will turn Toronto's season around, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has decided to take action now.

The commissioner announced today that the league will provide an "AIG style bail-out" to the Toronto Maple Leafs, who, despite high expectations and a revamped roster, are off to the worst start in franchise history.

"The Toronto Maple Leafs are an outstanding organization," Bettman stated, "Rich in history and tradition.  However, despite a curiously rabid fan base and a staggering amount of media coverage, they have not won the Stanley Cup in 43 years.  Clearly, the Toronto Maple Leafs are too big to fail and that is why the league is taking a page out of the United States Government playbook and providing an AIG style bail-out to the Toronto Maple Leafs."

The Maple Leafs are off to an 0-7-1 start and while the assumed reasons for this range from bad coaching to bad goaltending, the NHL feels that forcing the team to deal with their problems on their own is bad for the NHL.

"The Maple Leafs are an Original Six franchise," Bettman said. "The league needs to make sure that these teams survive and thrive, it is good for the league and good for the game of hockey.  If the Toronto Maple Leafs continue on this path, thousands of fans may decide that enough is enough and stop buying season tickets, jerseys and other merchandise.  The ripple effect from this would be staggering, beer and hotdog vendors would be forced to work less, and parking attendants would be out of a job."

Bettman then went on to outline the NHL's plan for the bail-out which includes taking players from 28 teams to bolster the Leaf's roster.

"What we will do, is take one player from 28 teams and make him a Toronto Maple Leaf," Bettman explained.

"For example, Toronto fans will be pleased to know that, as of today, Anze Kopitar, Zdeno Chara, Dan Boyle, Henrik Zetterberg, Patrick Kane and Steve Mason, among others, are all Toronto Maple Leafs."

In an effort to add "transparency" to this process, Bettman released a list of all of Toronto's newly acquired assets to the media.  However, conspicuously absent from the list were any players from the Pittsburgh Penguins. 

When questioned about this, Bettman replied, "That's an excellent question, and thank you for bringing that up.  As you know, the league has decided that the Pittsburgh Penguins will be a dynasty.  They will win the next three to five Stanley Cups.  This being the case, they are being excluded from the Maple Leaf bail-out plan.  While we are committed to making the Maple Leafs a winning franchise, the balance between parity and dynastic champions is a delicate one.  Both are needed elements of a competitive team."

Bettman added, "On that note, please Tivo the NHL Network's Summer with Sid which chronicles Sidney Crosby's time with the Stanley Cup."

Bettman then confused some media members by repeating "Sidney Crosby" 87 times.

The controversial plan drew several questions including how Bettman got the 28 teams to agree to such an extreme course of action.

"Well, ultimately, the league knows that each team understands how important the Maple Leafs are to the game of hockey," Bettman explained.  "The Toronto Maple Leafs are important to every team as, there are still many fans of the team in every NHL city who buy tickets to watch this team play."

When pressed on this point, and asked if the league actually sought the teams' consent, Bettman answered, "The league did not have the luxury of involving each team in the decision making process.  We saw a crisis that needed action and took it."

The commissioner concluded his announcement by saying that he hopes that this action will help to stabilize the struggling franchise and once again make it a valuable member of the NHL community.

"The Toronto Maple Leafs are too big to fail," Bettman said. "Though this plan is aggressive and unprecendented, we know that it was the only choice we had."