Dr. Jaded Sucks At Understanding Football

Everybody has ‘that friend’ that they hate talking about sports with.  For me, it’s usually that one guy that thinks Ben Roethlisberger is the second coming of Jesus Christ and Rashard Mendenhall’s name isn’t the most hated guy to haunt the word processor spell-checker since that Fuamatu-Ma’afala guy showed up in black and gold.  Wow, this is getting off track already and we’re less than one paragraph in – this definitely bode well, no?  Regardless, everybody has a friend that knows nothing about professional sports, thinks he does, is more than willing to engage you in a verbal death match defending his NFL IQ, and makes you want to extrapolate both of your eyeballs with a plastic cafeteria utensil every time he tries to defend his knowledge in front of you. 

I hate that guy.

I hate it even more that the 2009 NFL Season has actually turned me into that guy.  Sure, I’m 42-18 with my picks since week 2, but I feel so much like Ruben Studdard from Season Two of American Idol it disgusts me.  Seriously, I’m doing well, but there’s no chance it lasts – and to make matters worse that scrawny guy is inevitably going to do better than I am in the long run.  It hurts, it really hurts.

In a pathetic effort to waste my time and an even more pathetic excuse to justify my alcoholism by telling myself it was ‘OK’ to drink alone since I was writing, I tried to group the teams of the NFL 2009 Season into groups that would help me gamble more efficiently. 

Cue the Miller Lite…

Divison 1: The Heisman Division– Start watching College Football and imagine the Heisman hopefuls wearing your jersey.
St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Buffalo Bills, Cleveland Browns, Oakland Raiders.

Division 2:  The Linkin Park album Division– We stink, but our first album was awesome and every once in a while we’ll make a single that makes Optimus Prime look cool??
Tennessee Titans, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins, Carolina Panthers, Detroit Lions.

Division 3:  The Jack Sparrow Division- Are we good, are we bad, do we care?  Does anybody?
Houston Texans, Miami Dolphins, Jacksonville Jaguars, Seattle Seahawks, Arizona Cardinals.

Division 4:  The M. Knight Shyamalan Division- We have entirely too much talent to be in the previous division, but we’re not playing anywhere remotely decent enough to belong anywhere else.

San Diego Chargers, Dallas Cowboys, Green Bay Packers.

Division 5:  The Kanye West Division- We usually play nicey-nice, but that one time we sucked we had a legitimate excuse.  Some blame the Henne, others blame McNabb – to each his own.

Philadelphia Eagles.

Division 6: The Courtney Love Rehab Division- You wish you had a time machine to go back in time and bet on our ridiculous odds to finally clean ourselves up, but it’s only a matter of time until we blow it (Should this say blow him or just blow ‘it’ referencing cocaine – I’m torn).

Cincinnati Bengals, San Francisco 49ers.

Division 7: The Lady Gaga Division- We look really really good – but we have a surprise for you…. Good or bad depends on your personal preference.

New York Jets, Atlanta Falcons, Chicago Bears, Baltimore Ravens.

Division 8:  The Jennifer Aniston Division- We look really innocent, but there’s a pissed off lion hiding inside and waiting for us to bounce back.

Pittsburgh Steelers, New England Patriots.

Division 9: The Seeking Ponce de Leon Division– We get the job done, but unless Wrangler Jeans and High Def TVs from Sears come with the fountain of youth we could very well suck when it gets cold.

Minnesota Vikings.

Division 10: The Barry Melrose Mullet Division- We sound like we know what we’re talking about, but we’ll probably tank on the big stage.

New Orleans Saints.

Division 11: The Bloodline of Christ Division- Archie sold his soul to the devil, right?

New York Giants, Indianapolis Colts.