11 Things in Sports as Certain as Death and Taxes

Bill Belichick's New England Patriots will be good, no matter the obstacles. They just will. LeBron James will subtly troll his adversaries by any means necessary. Cookies, drum sets, you name it. That man will revel in the glory of his 2016 NBA title for as long as possible. 

These are things you can count on in sports right now.  

Sports are an unreliable business. You never know what might happen in any given situation—a game, a press conference, a career. Shocking wins, losses and trades are the norm in sports. In sports, uncertainty reigns. 

In fact, Benjamin Franklin once said the only certain things in life are death and taxes.

But with the following 11 things in sports, you can feel something at least approaching certainty. Sure, it's hypothetically possible the Pats completely crash and burn and flail out of 2016 contention. But then again...nah. 

Alabama Crimson Tide Non-Offensive Touchdowns

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The Alabama Crimson Tide are 8-0 and barreling toward another College Football Playoff. They have defeated opponents by an average margin of 29 points, but it's not all about offense for Nick Saban's crew.

In fact, the Tide have scored 12 non-offensive touchdowns in 2016. Defensive lineman Jonathan Allen's fumble return against the Texas A&M Aggies actually made 10 straight games with such a feat, dating back to the 2015 season.

Robby Kalland of CBS Sports wrote, "Alabama's defense and special teams are as effective scoring touchdowns as some offenses."

Will the non-offensive TDs continue? (Probably.)

Saban said, per Paul Payne of USA Today, "We emphasize stripping the ball out, we emphasize attacking the ball. It's a point of emphasis and when players start to get them, they always feel like 'I'm going to get me one.'"

The Mourinho vs. Guardiola Rivalry

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Jose Mourinho and Pep Guardiola were once friendly, per James Gray of the Daily Express, when the former was an assistant with FC Barcelona and the latter was a player.

However, the two have been rivals since they both interviewed for Barca's top job in 2008 and the club chose Guardiola.

Since then, matchups between the two have always been blockbuster affairs. When Mourinho's Inter Milan beat Guardiola's Barcelona in the 2009-10 Champions League semifinals, Mourinho said, "It is the most beautiful defeat of my life," per Peter Smith of Sky Sports.

The two always seem to find themselves on opposite sides of existing rivalries as well, including Real Madrid vs. Barcelona and now Manchester United vs. Manchester City. The Guardian's Barney Ronay called theirs "a thrillingly poisonous sibling rivalry entwined for the past eight seasons around Europe's grandest clubs."

It is one of sports' most enduring coaching rivalries—it is the Roy Williams vs. Mike Krzyzewski of world football. When these two match up against each other, it will always be a major story.

LeBron James' Subtle (or Not-so-Subtle) Troll Jobs

LeBron James is turning into a master troll.

Dating back to his Miami Heat days, James trolled Kevin Durant on Twitter during a Washington NFL game and even taunted his own beloved fans in Cleveland with a killer three ball and emphatic celebration.

More recently, the Cleveland Cavaliers forward donned an "Ultimate Warrior" shirt on the plane home from the NBA Finals (where his Cavs came back from a 3-1 deficit to defeat the Golden State Warriors).

James' Halloween decorations included a drum set with "3-1 Lead" scrawled on it. And though this (probably) wasn't James' doing, even the championship rings manage to troll the Warriors.

Honorable mention to James' seemingly timeless basketball skills, which are also like death and taxes if this unreal pass is any inclination.

Cleveland Browns' Woes

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This is not meant to be malicious, but the Cleveland Browns' consistent woes do seem like a certainty in sports. (Besides, with the Cavaliers and Indians in town, Cleveland doesn't have it so bad in the sports department lately.)

Before the 2016 season, things were, daresay, looking (sort of) up for the Browns. They had a new coach in Hue Jackson, they got five draft picks from the Philadelphia Eagles in exchange for the No. 2 pick in 2016 and they took a chance on Robert Griffin III (a guy who not too long ago was the league's Offensive Rookie of the Year).

Maybe 2016 would be the start of a turnaround for a team that hasn't broken .500 since 2007?

Unfortunately, and yet completely unsurprisingly, it hasn't quite worked out that way. Griffin was injured in September, and the team is winless through Week 8. Then there was this dreadfully misspelled Dawg Pound sign. SMH. 

Hey, they did get linebacker Jamie Collins from the New England Patriots, though. That's something, right?

San Antonio Spurs

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How will the San Antonio Spurs fare after losing longtime big man Tim Duncan to retirement? Is forward LaMarcus Aldridge really unhappy in San Antonio? How will the Spurs, or anyone for that matter, compete with the 73-win Golden State Warriors plus Kevin Durant out West?

Bla, bla, bladdy bla bla.

The Spurs opened the 2016-17 NBA season with a 29-point rout of the aforementioned superteam and followed that up with three more wins.  

Sure, the team dropped its first game to the Utah Jazz in early November, but even the best regular-season team of all time lost nine games. 

The point is, the Spurs are, once again, shaping up to be a contender led by the quiet brilliance of forward Kawhi Leonard.  

Under Gregg Popovich, the Spurs have won five NBA championships. They have made the playoffs for the last 19 seasons in a row. Spurs as contenders? Set your watch to it.  

Tim Tebow Making Sports News

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How can a quarterback who hasn't played an NFL down since 2012 continue to make such major sports news?

Switching to baseball helps.

Since his college football days with the Florida Gators, Tim Tebow has been making huge sports headlines even though those Florida days marked the last time he had any real, meaningful sports success.

Tebow bounced around the NFL for a few years, and one playoff win in January 2012 was his crowning achievement. He has served as an analyst for the SEC Network; he assisted in a medical emergency on a plane; he impersonated Rocky on Lip Sync Battle.

And he held open tryouts for MLB teams. Now, he is playing in the Arizona Fall League as an actual member of the New York Mets organization.

Prediction: You will be old and gray, and Tim Tebow will still be making sports news.

Romelu Lukaku Scoring Against West Ham

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Everton striker Romelu Lukaku has scored in nine consecutive matches against West Ham United.

To put that in perspective, Ian Doyle of the Liverpool Echo wrote, "Since the Belgian arrived at Goodison in the summer of 2013, Everton and West Ham have met eight times. Lukaku has scored in every single one of those matches—surpassing the previous club record of Dixie Dean, who netted in seven successive games against Aston Villa, Bolton Wanderers and Bury."

The 23-year-old Belgian is one of the most exciting young strikers in the Premier League. His latest goal against West Ham put his 2016-17 league total to seven, just one shy of Chelsea's Diego Costa, who has eight as of November 1.

Ahead of Everton's November 5 clash with Chelsea (Lukaku's former team), teammate Ashley Williams said the striker "is in 'frightening' form," per Joe Strange of Mail Online.  

Everton is set to play West Ham again in April 2017.

Jaromir Jagr

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Florida Panthers right winger Jaromir Jagr has played in the NHL since 1990. Some of those reading this probably weren't even alive then.

He has made nine All-Star teams, won five Art Ross Trophies as the league's top point scorer and is the active leader in pretty much everything, including goals (750), points (1,872), assists (1,122) and games played (1,639).

Jagr is 44 years old (!), and in 2015-16, he still put up 27 goals and 66 points. Obviously, his career will end at some point, but at the start of the 2016-17 NHL season, his production looks as certain as death and taxes.

In fact, Joe McDonald of ESPN.com pointed out:

"

He is third in all-time goal scoring, behind Wayne Gretzky (894) and Gordie Howe (801). There's no stopping Jagr. He's a man on a mission and will play until the skates are practically ripped from his feet. Because he keeps himself in ridiculous shape and has said he wants to play well into his 40s, and even though he has to score 51 more goals, you've got to think he has a shot at catching Mr. Hockey. Really.

"

Dustin Luke Nelson of Rolling Stone added, "In fact, he led the Panthers in scoring last year and appears to be immune to the declines of age that most mortals are subjected to."

Cam Newton's Creative Outfits

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Despite how his Carolina Panthers might be faring on the field (2-5 through Week 8), quarterback Cam Newton can always be counted on to bring the fashion at pressers and off-field events.

He wore zebra-striped Versace pants on the plane to Super Bowl 50. His collection of quirky hats would make any Kentucky Derby-goer proud. In early October, he donned a pair of shoes that drew social media comparisons to cheese and chocolate bars.

For the Win's Charlotte Wilder offered, "Cam Newton's press conference wardrobe has been, I'd argue, this NLF season's most interesting storyline."

According to Newton's father, Cecil, Cam has been interested in fashion from a young age.

In February, Cecil told Greg Bishop of Sports Illustrated Kids, "He always had a strong will to self-identify who he is and appreciate his person. He never cared whether people enjoyed or appreciated that or not. He was who he was. He is who he is. That always propelled him forward."

New England Patriots

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An 18-month scandal about allegedly deflated footballs, a four-game suspension for their star quarterback—and still, the New England Patriots are 7-1 and arguably the best team in the NFL.

Bleacher Report's Mike Freeman wrote, "Anyhoo, here we are again, New England possessing the best team in football because, once again, it has the best player in football in Brady. Right now, barring an injury to Brady, or something deflated, or videotaped, the Patriots are the team to beat."

And really, what else is new, right? Is anyone really surprised? Under Bill Belichick, the Pats have taken the AFC East 13 out of 16 years and won four Super Bowls.

In 2016, the team won three out of four games without Brady and overcame injuries to the backup and third-string QBs to do it. Halfway through the season, the Pats are the favorites to win the Super Bowl, per Oddsshark.com, but again, what else is new?

All Blacks at Home

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If you think the New England Patriots' dominance is reliable, check out rugby's New Zealand All Blacks. 

Wales rugby legend Neil Jenkins called the All Blacks "easily the best team on the planet in any sport," per the New Zealand Herald.

The juggernaut became the first nation to win back-to-back Rugby World Cups in 2015. With a victory over Australia in October, the All Blacks also set a new world record, becoming the first top-tier nation to win 18 consecutive Test matches.  

And they have been particularly stifling at home. Leading up to that Australia match, the All Blacks had a 35-match win streak at Eden Park, "the longest run of any team at a single home venue in Test history," per Sam Worthington of Fox Sports.

They haven't lost at home since 1994. Let that sink in.