A (Not So) Serious Look at Why Barcelona Are Playing So Badly

Barcelona are in a little bit of trouble. The Catalan giants may be on course for a domestic double, but a rough patch that has seen three losses in their past four outings has cast doubt over Luis Enrique's men. 

Some have blamed fatigue, brought on by a gruelling season and the international break that saw the star strike force of Lionel Messi, Luis Suarez and Neymar take long-haul trips to South America. Some have cited the lack of squad depth and underwhelming options outside of the preferred starting XI. Some have argued that teams sometimes lose games and that's totally fine.

But those reasons don't really cut to the heart of the matter. Here's a (not so serious) look at why Barcelona's form has dropped in recent weeks, which explores the causes you may not have considered yet...

They Can't Cope with Thomas Vermaelen Being out Injured

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Earlier in the week, Barca made the devastating announcement that Thomas Vermaelen has suffered a calf injury that will keep him out of action for the foreseeable future. 

The last game that the big Belgian featured in was—by no coincidence—the Blaugrana's last win in La Liga, the 6-0 demolition of Getafe.

Vermaelen has been on the winning side in every single league game he's played this season. He's only played in 10 and started in 6, but the fact remains. 

Evidently, Barcelona do not know how to cope without the commanding presence of their bullet-proof, rarely injured 30-year-old defender. They're just too used to having ol' Tommy in the lineup, and it has unsettled them. 

Why else would they have failed to win in 100 per cent of league games since his calf setback?

On an unrelated note, Barcelona have announced the physio and rehab buildings at La Masia have been renamed "The Vermaelen Wing." 

It's a Very Indirect Tax-Avoidance Scheme

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It's no secret that certain members of Barcelona's South American contingent have had trouble with the Spanish tax authorities. 

In the latest development in alleged tax avoidance, Messi has been named in the Panama Papers for involvement in the establishment of a shell corporation. Sadly, that is not a corporation that sells sea shells on the Catalan sea shore. 

According to Marca, the team were rewarded with a €30 million bonus when they won the treble last season. If they were to win it again this season, another €25 million would be landing in their bank accounts. 

It's obvious what is going on here. The team are simply trying to avoid any more winning bonuses so that they do not push their earnings into the next tax bracket and therefore owe even more to the Spanish government. 

If only David Cameron had that kind of plausible deniability.  

Gerard Pique Isn't Showing Enough Twitter Hubris

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When Real Madrid were expelled from the Copa del Rey for fielding an ineligible player, Gerard Pique responded in the best manner possible: an emoticon-filled tweet that made fun of their predicament. Me gusta, Gerard!

Following Barca's surprise loss to Real Sociedad, Pique wasn't in such a fun mood when national team-mate Alvaro Arbeloa aimed a spiteful tweet in his club's direction. 

Pique failed to take Arbeloa's bait in a sufficiently conceited manner, and there are concerns he's gone soft on social media. His most controversial tweets at the moment are about Will Smith being the greatest actor of all time. Clearly, Pique has watched Wild Wild West many times. 

Essentially, to get the team back to their best, the Barca centre-back really needs to work on being more obnoxious online*.

*Yes, this writer is aware of the irony of this statement. 

They Are Subtly Protesting Against Qatar

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After eschewing a shirt sponsor for most of their existence, Barcelona have endorsed Qatar Airways on their famous livery since 2011. 

During that time, the Gulf State has been prominently involved in controversies surrounding its 2022 FIFA World Cup bid—not least the well-documented human rights abuses of migrant workers.

It would be highly inadvisable for the players to speak out against the nation they endorse, but there is one way in which they can protest: by being really rubbish at football. That'll show 'em! 

In 20 years, when Guillem Balague writes Messi's autobiography for him, we'll finally learn the truth. 

There's No More Soft Drinks in the Dressing Room

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Hear us out on this one. 

During Barca's 2008-09 treble-winning season, it was alleged Lionel Messi pulled a very unique power play over Pep Guardiola.

According to Swedish coach Hans Backe (via Marca), Messi interrupted a Guardiola dressing room speech to ask for a Coke. His request was flatly denied, at which point the Argentinian forward went and grabbed a cola and drank it in front of the entire dressing room.

"It was a battle that Guardiola could not win," said Backe.

So, it seems quite feasible that the drop in form is due to the soft drink fridge in the Barcelona dressing room being taken away.

Fizzy brown sugar water is to Messi what a brandy glass full of brown M&Ms is to Ozzy Osbourne. He won't perform without it. 

They Have Been Cursed

During Barca's 2-2 draw at Villarreal shortly before the international break, Leo Messi reportedly broke a fan's arm with a wayward shot.

Did Messi go and apologise? No. Did the wronged fan place a 100-year curse upon the Argentinian and his team as a means of revenge? You can't disprove it.

Curses in football are quite common: Racing Club's stadium was cursed when rival fans buried dead cat corpses under it, Bela Guttman famously put a century-long hex on Benfica, a man was arrested earlier in April for casting black magic on Al-Nassr and Barry Fry had to break a jinx on Birmingham City's St Andrews stadium by urinating on the pitch. Well, at least that's the reason he gave for doing it.  

The maligned Villarreal fan doesn't necessarily look like a voodoo witchdoctor, but the incident happened at the precise moment Barca's form started to drop. It's a pretty watertight explanation.  

They're Not Doing Enough Pranks

Following the Blaugrana's 2-0 win over Getafe in November, several members of the squad decided the best course of action for extremely well-paid professionals was for them to invade the home side's post-match press conference while dressed in Halloween costumes. 

Furthermore, they decided to decorate the bathrooms with fake blood. 

It was extremely funny because everyone loves it when people disrupt you at your place of work and make a huge mess of the facilities you lay on for them. 

Barcelona need more of this kind of behaviour to lift their spirits.

When they go to Deportivo La Coruna next week, they should get themselves in the frame of mind for victory by putting the club president in a headlock and stuffing fish behind the radiators. At Betis in two weeks' time, they should wear hand buzzers during the pre-match handshakes and stick all the furniture in the dressing room to the ceiling. The suckers will think they're upside down! 

They Are Not Being Awarded Enough Penalties

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In the dying seconds of Barca's UEFA Champions League clash with Atleti on Wednesday, Gabi appeared to block an Andres Iniesta strike with his hand. It could have resulted in a penalty for Barcelona that would have put the game into extra time. 

However, it wasn't given. Even though Iniesta should have been sent off for his own handball—and Luis Suarez was lucky to be on the field once again—Barca's players reacted to the injustice by haranguing the referee "like crows on a discarded bag of chips," as quipped by Paddy Power on Twitter. 

It's clear Barcelona don't get enough penalties given their way. All the referees are definitely against them. Yeah. Definitely. Let's get #CampaignAgainstBarca trending!  

When a penalty is given, the world's very best attacking trio has up to a 50 per cent chance of actually converting it. You have to like those odds.  

They're Trying to Make Things More Interesting

We've covered pranks, curses, soft-drink depravation and elaborate tax-avoidance schemes, but the most logical explanation for Barcelona's dip in form is that they're doing it on purpose. 

The greatest team in the world found it all a bit too easy last season, so for the purposes of drama and entertainment, they've decided to make this end-of-season run-in a little more picante.

Why go into the final six games of the season with a dull nine-point lead in the league when you can make things much hairier with a three-point lead? 

Why go through the graft of putting up a worthy defence of your Champions League title when you've already shown everyone you can win it?

They're simply making things more difficult for themselves on purpose, to make it more exciting at the end of the season for all of us. That's why they did the crazy penalty routine against Celta Vigo. That's why they didn't bother entering Atletico Madrid's penalty area. That's why Ivan Rakitic and Sergio Busquets are pretending they are invisible. 

It's all for our entertainment. We should be thanking them, really.