A (Not So) Serious Look at How Arsenal vs. Barcelona Will Play out
Barcelona will arrive at the Emirates Stadium on the back of a run of 32 games undefeated in all competitions stretching back to early October. They are the reigning Champions League winners, are the runaway favourites to win the competition this year and are as close to perfection as Ron Burgundy's hair.
They face an Arsenal side who have been knocked out of the round of 16 in the past five seasons—and who seem to have trouble getting through a game against the Blaugrana without getting someone sent off.
The basics of the script to this behemoth Champions League encounter are already in place, but will Arsene Wenger and Luis Enrique's men go off-piste with some improvisation? Here's a lighthearted look at how this round-of-16 first leg might play out...
Before Kick-off
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Wenger is aware of his side's problems with reaching the quarter-finals of the world's biggest domestic club competition, so he takes decisive action in the dressing room before the game.
The French boss asks his team to pause their pre-match preparations (which consist mostly of taking selfies) to watch some video analysis.
But instead of showing clips of their opponents in action, Wenger shows them the 1993 movie Groundhog Day. Specifically, the conclusion of the film where Bill Murray's character breaks out of his cycle of repetition by kissing his love interest (Per Mertesacker is outraged by the spoiler).
It's not clear what message this is supposed to provide, but Olivier Giroud takes the initiative and offers to kiss Gerard Pique. No one tells him not to.
5th Minute
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The Gunners are aware that Barcelona don't like it when teams come out swinging from the outset, so they begin the game with plenty of attacking intensity.
Theo Walcott tests Claudio Bravo with a low shot outside the box to win a corner.
The architects, new media executives and tourists who make up the capacity crowd at the Emirates start to create a rousing atmosphere.
9th Minute
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Arsenal take the lead!
Alexis Sanchez dispossess his old team-mate, Dani Alves, before passing square ball to Giroud. His shot is deflected to the feet of Walcott, who taps in the opener!
It's a classic move from WAG! And yes, that's what we're calling the Arsenal attacking trident now!
20th Minute
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After going a goal up, Arsenal slightly drop the intensity and let Barcelona take all the possession they desire. In the 10 minutes after conceding, Petr Cech is the only Arsenal player who touches the ball.
The Czech shot-stopper gets his hands on a fierce shot from Lionel Messi. The diminutive Argentinian has faced Cech in eight matches and has never put one past him. The Gunners 'keeper wags his finger at the reigning Ballon d'Or and boots the ball downfield, where it is immediately retrieved by Javier Mascherano.
25th Minute
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During another Barcelona attack, Luis Suarez receives the ball on the edge of the six-yard area with only Cech to beat. He has to score! But it goes wide! Unbelievable!
Arsenal's board members smirk at the effort, feeling they were completely justified to only offer £40,000,001 for the Uruguayan. Excellent business, that.
37th Minute
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Aaron Ramsey tussles for the ball with Sergio Busquets and appears to elbow the Spaniard in the face.
Busquets collapses in apparent agony—how unlike him to make a meal of a challenge—and Ramsey is shown a straight red card.
Thus the Arsenal 10-man prophecy hath fulfilled itself.
A chorus of boos rings out in the stadium at the controversial decision. In the commentary box, meanwhile, Michael Owen offers his insight: "A red card can only mean one thing for Arsenal: They'll have to play the rest of the game with one less man."
Half-Time
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Arsenal go into the interval a goal up against their heavily favoured Catalonian opposition. There is a mixture of delight and confusion in the home dressing room. Wenger makes a phone call to ensure that Bill Murray's entire back catalogue is on hand for future team talks.
In the away dressing room, meanwhile, there is an equal amount of confusion. Not many of the players are able to process the feeling of having scored less goals than their opponents.
Lucho Enrique considers unleashing fury on his team, but a chance meeting with Roy Keane earlier in the day inspires a different approach. "Lads, it's Arsenal," he says before sending the players back out.
50th Minute
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Those who watched Barcelona's second-half performance against Celta Vigo last week will know what the Liga champions are capable of when they are trying to put a game to bed.
They play some stunning attacking football for the first five minutes after the interval, and the inevitable equaliser comes from a delightful Suarez volley across the face of goal.
Giroud signals to the bench and asks whether he should kiss Pique yet. Wenger buries his face in his palm.
56th Minute
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The tables are clearly turning in this tie. Barca storm forward with style and aplomb, with Messi proving to be his usual breathtaking self.
Little Leo goes on a surging run and is brought down by Nacho Monreal just inside the area.
It's a clear penalty, and the five-time World Player of the Year steps up to take it himself.
Arsenal's players are terrified that Messi will attempt another passed penalty. Mertesacker stays by Suarez and resolves to use his lightning-fast pace to stop any surging runs from the Uruguayan.
Messi steps up...and his shot bounces off Cech's knee and into the stands! The stats will read that Messi has missed his second consecutive penalty and that he simply cannot score against the man with the head protector!
Sensational! It remains 1-1.
76th Minute
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Arsenal's ability to keep Barcelona at bay with 10 men is nothing short of a tactical masterstroke from Le Professeur.
The Gunners manage to keep Barca out of their own half as much as possible, playing a compact game and making sure that Andres "the midfield metronome" Iniesta is unable to properly keep time.
Many scratch their heads as Giroud is replaced by Danny Welbeck, but the move pays off very soon...
78th Minute
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With his first touch of the ball, Welbeck heads in from a corner! Arsenal lead 2-1!
Twitter nearly crashes through the sheer weight of Welbeck memes (NSFW language) that flood the microblogging site.
91st Minute
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With seconds remaining in the match, Barca have not given up on pressing for an equaliser. An Arsenal corner quickly transforms into a counter-attacking movement, which sees Neymar and Suarez break away at lightning pace. Neymar plays a diagonal ball through to Suarez, who charges forward and slots low past Cech.
It looks like Arsenal have completely Arsenal'd up a stunning result...but wait! The linesman has his flag up! He signals that Suarez was ahead of Koscielny when the pass was made!
Replays suggest Suarez was comfortably onside, but Enrique is absolutely livid on the sidelines.
Barca are completely dumbfounded as the final whistle blows. They enjoyed 81 per cent possession and had 22 shots on target but head into the second leg in deficit.
The Spanish press immediately claim Barca is in "crisis," and Messi is linked to a move to Chelsea.
Full-Time
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It's a famous night for Arsenal, who defy the odds to beat Barcelona 2-1—just like they did in the first leg five years ago.
Sky Sports run an online poll shortly after the game asking who will win the Champions League. Arsenal win it by a 65 per cent margin. Naturally.
For a moment, Wenger basks in the glory of the result. Then he sinks in his chair as he remembers he must play Manchester United, Swansea, Tottenham, Hull and West Brom in a 14-day period before going to the Camp Nou to try to avoid a 6-0 tonking.
Best not to break out the champagne just yet...
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