A (Not So) Serious Look at How Argentina vs. Brazil Will Play out
Few rivalries in world football are as intense as that shared between Brazil and Argentina. Pep vs. Zlatan comes close, but the South American neighbours have been at it like cats and dogs since their first meeting in 1914.
On Thursday, the Albiceleste and the Selecao will face one another at River Plate's pithily named Estadio Monumental Antonio Vespucio Liberti in what will be their 97th clash.
Historically, Argentina and Brazil are completely level on wins (36 each), so this crucial 2018 World Cup qualifier brings with it copious bragging rights in addition to valuable points for two teams that have suffered underwhelming starts to the qualification campaign.
Ahead of the battle in Buenos Aires, here's a lighthearted look at how the game may play out...
The Evening Before the Game
1 of 12
Argentina's loss to Ecuador last month—the first time they have ever lost a qualifier to La Tricolor—got their World Cup campaign off to the worst possible start.
What's more, Tata Martino's side find themselves on the brink of a heinous situation: a competitive game against Brazil without Lionel Messi.
Rather than soldier on without him, Argentina's players decide the sensible thing to do is to hysterically lament the Barcelona star's injury and hold his shirt aloft during the national anthem, fighting back tears as if they were paying tribute to a player who had suffered a fatal tragedy.
What could possibly go wrong with a plan like that?
Kick-off
2 of 12
Argentina find themselves in such a fog of Messi-induced tears at kick-off that they forget that Carlos Tevez and Sergio Aguero are also missing. Gonzalo Higuain and Ezequiel Lavezzi are instructed to pull off their trackies and join the nine men blubbering on the field.
Brazil, meanwhile, are reminded that this is a competitive game and not one of those meaningless matches they play with Argentina in random cities around the world for commercial reasons. Kaka and Ronaldinho are instructed to head back to the dressing room.
10th Minute
3 of 12
The Battle of the South Americans is usually a feisty affair, and this proves to be no exception. There are early yellow cards for Filipe Luis and Ever Banega, while Angel Di Maria is sternly cautioned for being the only Argentina player who has correctly filled in his tax return.
Ricardo Oliveira has an early chance to put Brazil ahead, leaving many to ask why Ricardo Oliveira is on the field. The realisation soon comes that the alternative is Fred, so business continues as usual.
22nd Minute
4 of 12
Goal! Neymar puts Brazil ahead with a scrappy effort that's turned in during a goalmouth scramble.
The Barcelona star is delighted to prove to his critics he can also score rubbish goals and not just the sombrero and volley combos we are all forced to sit through every week.
The tension in Buenos Aires is palpable.
29th Minute
5 of 12
David Luiz strays wildly out of position to allow Gonzalo Higuain to beat the offside trap! The Napoli star is one-on-one with the goalkeeper! And he blasts the ball low and wide!
This all feels eerily familiar.
Half-Time
6 of 12
The whistle blows for half-time, and the home crowd are extremely unhappy with the start Martino's side have made to the qualification campaign.
How can a side that made the World Cup final be winless in its first three World Cup qualifiers? Why does World Cup qualifying begin nearly three years before the tournament starts? Has Rodrigo Palacio been banished from the setup because of that haircut?
All valid questions.
The home contingent perks up, however, when Diego Maradona is shown on the big screen. The legendary forward rolls up his sleeve to reveal his latest tattoo: "Pele is THE WORST" is now emblazoned down the arm that once beat Gordon Banks in the air.
Crowd goes wild!
46th Minute
7 of 12
The referee has barely removed the whistle from his lips when Brazil race towards the opposing goal, winning a free-kick around 30 yards out when Marcos Rojo delivers a clumsy lunge. Somewhere, Ashley Young is smiling.
Willian steps up and whips the ball into the top left corner, reminding us of the only reason Chelsea have been fun to watch this season. 2-0!
59th Minute
8 of 12
As the hour mark approaches, the Albiceleste desperately push to get back into the game, but they lack a certain creative spark going forward. A certain 28-year-old, 5'7", increasingly tattooed creative spark.
Tempers boil over as Dani Alves and Lavezzi are involved in an off-the-ball incident. As the argument over who has the most "on fleek" Instagram feed evolves into pushing and shoving, both players are given their marching orders.
Alves skulks back to the dressing room, where he changes into a kilt, a luminous green child's vest, boxing gloves, Crocs and a Batman helmet. Selfie time!
64th Minute
9 of 12
Disaster for Argentina, as they go down to nine men! Lucas Biglia sees a straight red for a nasty studs-to-the-chest challenge on Miranda.
The foul-ridden game threatens to descend into farce as both sides furiously bicker, while Biglia heads off for his early shower.
Erik Lamela is subbed on, and fans all around Argentina pray they will witness 2015-16 Erik Lamela...
72nd Minute
10 of 12
Argentina pull one back! And it's 2015-16 Erik Lamela who pops up with a marvellous 20-yard thunderb-----d from the edge of the area!
The Tottenham star celebrates with a Derek Zoolander-style pout so powerful that it renders Ricardo Oliveira unable to move for several minutes. Nobody notices.
88th Minute
11 of 12
A frantic and downright filthy game draws to a close, and it looks as if Argentina are going to be winless after three World Cup qualifiers.
The home side win a dramatic late corner, and everyone, including Sergio Romero, piles into the Brazilian box. Nicolas Otamendi connects with the corner and sends a powerful header crashing towards the bar. The ball lands at the feet of Neymar, who performs a one-man counter-attack and charges up the field to put the ball in an empty net.
Despite the 3-1 scoreline, Argentina's fans stay in their seats, screaming their hearts out until the bitter end. Watching on TV in Merseyside, Jurgen Klopp takes note, feeling he might have a new gig lined up when he is replaced by Steven Gerrard in two seasons' time.
Full-Time
12 of 12
It's all over, and Brazil take three much-needed points to leapfrog Paraguay in the CONMEBOL standings.
Coincidentally, it's the same scoreline that occurred the last time the two teams met in a World Cup qualifier in Argentina, the September 2009 bout in Rosario that was overseen by Maradona.
With the Albiceleste cut adrift in the qualification table, talk of a crisis spreads through the Argentinian media, with some suggesting the team will follow up the 2014 World Cup by "pulling a Netherlands."
However, the crisis talk soon abates when everybody realises that the South American system makes it virtually impossible for either Brazil or Argentina to sit out a World Cup. Phew!
The two teams look forward to their next meeting, a Superclasico de las Americas to be held at 4:30 a.m. in Yemen on Christmas morning to accommodate lucrative Middle Eastern sponsors.
.jpg?w=600 "Colts Release Kenny Moore")
