Imaginging Every Premier League Team as an Item in the Supermarket
In previous instalments of "Imagining Every Premier League team as..." we've compared the English top flight's finest to high street shops, bands and cars.
Now, with our tongues firmly in our cheeks, we're imagining Premier League teams as items you would find in the supermarket.
Take a look through and be sure to leave a comment!
Arsenal: The Checkout
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Of anything found in your local supermarket, Arsenal most closely resemble the checkout: It's full of money, but it never actually buys anything.
Despite this, a conveyor belt of great produce still seems to flow through.
Aston Villa: Teabags
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Aston Villa are the teabags of the league: They're a British staple that's been around forever, and although they often find themselves in hot water, the situation is typically only temporary.
Is Tactics Tim going to leave the bag in too long this season?
Bournemouth: Quinoa
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Bournemouth are definitely quinoa: Three years ago, hardly anybody had heard of it, now everybody claims to love it.
Chelsea: Foie Gras
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In some upmarket supermarkets you'll be able to pick up foie gras, the Chelsea of foodstuffs. It's very rich, it's questionably sourced and many people are revolted by its mere existence.
Crystal Palace: Jagermeister
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Venture into the booze section at the supermarket and you'll find a spirit that is a lot like Crystal Palace: Jagermeister. It's got a cult following, it's a lot of fun and it never stays down too long.
Everton: Peaches
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Everton are the peaches of the league: They're very palatable, they're grown organically and they have stones that aren't easily removed.
Leicester City: Pot Noodle
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Leicester City are almost certainly a Pot Noodle: They're reasonably cheap and surprisingly brilliant, even though you know deep down that they're bobbins.
Liverpool: Alcohol-Free Beer
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Alcohol-free beer is enjoyed by a strange subset of society that you wouldn't want to spend too much time socialising with. And, although often enjoyable, it lacks the punch to truly contend with its heavyweight peers.
Sound like a certain Merseyside football club?
Manchester City: An Extension Cord
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Manchester City are a lot like an extension cord: They provide plenty of power and are really capable of lighting things up, but they're useless in mainland Europe.
Manchester United: Cereal Variety Pack
10 of 20Manchester United are the Kellogg's cereal variety pack of the league. They're very popular, and they were brilliant if you were a kid growing up in the 1990s. And although they consist of many brilliant, individual components, they don't quite work together properly to make an effective unit.
The Rice Krispies that are always left over at the end? That's the breakfast equivalent of Marouane Fellaini up front.
Newcastle United: Own-Brand Cornflakes
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Newcastle United are the football equivalent of value-brand cornflakes: There's absolutely nothing of interest happening in the box.
Norwich City: Baguette
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Norwich City are much like a baguette: Popular in East Anglia (by virtue of their association with Branston Pickle and Coleman's Mustard) but likely to crumble when put under pressure.
Southampton: Avacado
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Southampton are like avocados: They're increasingly ubiquitous after being a fringe delicacy for a long time, nobody has a bad word to say about them and they sell for a lot more than they cost.
However, we are not sure if they are purchased in great quantities in Liverpool.
Stoke City: Fray Bentos Pie in a Can
14 of 20Stoke City are very similar to the famished student's weapon of choice, the Fray Bentos pie in a can.
They have a few redeeming features, and although they've gotten a little better, they're generally not very nice to look at—and they're not very good for you if you regularly experience them.
Swansea City: Sushi
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Swansea City might be the freshly prepared sushi tempting you for lunch: Ten years ago, it was an unfamiliar concept from a faraway place, but now no one can stop raving about how brilliant it is.
Sunderland: Nappies
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At the moment, Sunderland are like nappies: Most of the time, they're filled with crap.
Tottenham Hotspur: Fajita Kit
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Tottenham Hotspur are the Premier League's fajita kit: They always seem to need about two extra ingredients to be perfect. And, of course, it wouldn't take too much for them to unravel.
Watford: Discount Garden Furniture
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The Hornets are the dscount garden furniture of the Premier League: They look pretty good in August and September, but they won't be so hot when it comes to January through March.
West Bromwich Albion: Tesco Carrier Bags
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It seems wholly appropriate that a team nicknamed the Baggies that plays in blue and white stripes is represented by a Tesco bag. And much like Tony Pulis' West Bromwich Albion, if you fail to prepare, they can make you pay.
West Ham United: A Camping Stove
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West Ham United are like a camping stove: Sensational on the road, but generally pretty useless at home.
