Premier League Preview: Wayne Rooney on Trial at Old Trafford

Everything looked simpler in 1968. In The Odd Couple, Walter Matthau's slovenly sportswriter character Oscar Madison goes to the game half-cut, reports on what he sees and returns home to play poker with his pals. What a time to be alive.

Cut to today's zeitgeist and "touches in the opposition penalty area" has not just become a thing, but an early-season obsession for those looking to retire Wayne Rooney before August is out.

As English as Wimbledon and mawkish fixations with celebrity funerals, writing off Rooney is a national pastime par excellence. From the moment he dropped the ball over David Seaman's head in 2002, five days before his 17th birthday, Rooney has been English football's biggest cause celebre since Paul Gascoigne was wearing fake breasts and organizing ill-advised fishing trips.

To his detractors in possession of a typewriter, Rooney will forever be a white-van man, an uncouth reminder of how far we are behind our continental cousins. If he's the best we've got, God help us. Rooney then, less an individual and more a symbol of a nation's sporting failings. No wonder he looks as though his first paper round was before the invention of paper.

When hipster babies come of age and can no longer squeeze into Shinji Kagawa baby grows, any questions they may have with regards to Rooney will be silenced with the parental haste usually reserved for explaining away an uncle who disgraced himself at a family wedding. In an age of memes, Rooney is as out of time as a Bobby Charlton comb-over.

That thus far this season he has played as though he's carrying a telephone booth under his shirt is barely worth debate, but it is the glee this has been reported with that is so tiresome. The season is 180 minutes old, and Rooney's naysayers have drawn up a rap sheet that, in the words of Morrissey, "bears more grudges than lonely high court judges." If certain members of the press were presiding over sentencing, he'd get life for his touch against Aston Villa alone.

"I've had one bad game this season and everyone's all over it. I know I've had that all throughout my career but hopefully at the weekend I can get off the mark," said Rooney, as per Jamie Jackson of the Guardian.

Given Rooney has not scored for United since April 4—a barren run of nine consecutive games—and, as per Football365's Daniel Storey, last had more than one shot on target in a Premier League match on February 28 and has touched the ball only three times in the opposition penalty area this season, he can expect to lead his side onto the field for Saturday's lunchtime game with Newcastle United to the sound of the world's smallest violin trying to make itself heard over the strains of "This Is the One."

And yet, to read the analysis of his own form in its entirety is to gain a useful insight into a player now mature enough to be both self-deprecating and self-critical. There's a pinch of exasperation in his denouncement of the fact "everyone's all over it," but given videprinters are now programmed to include "Rooney touches in opposition area" after each Manchester United result, it's a wonder he has a sense of humour left at all.

Rooney has always been a player who blows hot and cold. It hardly needs Opta's greatest minds to surmise that to date this season, cows wouldn't bother to get out of his way were he to turn up in a farmer's field with the cast of Deliverance.

The way he's playing at the moment, in particular his performance at Villa, brings to mind a John Updike quote about how on occasion he would wrestle with a blank page, as per The Writers' Almanac: "There is no doubt that I have lots of words inside me; but at moments, like rush-hour traffic at the mouth of a tunnel, they jam."

Rooney will play his way back into form though, just as Updike would write his way out of a block.

We've all seen Rooney play as though he's won a competition to have a go, and we've all seen him play as if everyone else on the field has won a competition to play with him. To talk of his legs having gone, a la Fernando Torres, is plainly premature just three games into the season. Especially given a large number of those currently decrying his abilities are the very same that over the summer championed his right to be Manchester United's No. 9.

Maybe, as he touches 30 on the back of over 650 career matches, his legs will indeed go this season, but if that's the case, it would be nice to report the ravages of time with respect rather than relish.

Manchester United v Newcastle United, Saturday, 12:45 p.m. BST

Claude Paris/Associated Press

Given Rooney's record against Newcastle—he has only scored more goals in the Premier League against Aston Villa (15) and Arsenal (14) than the 12 he has against Saturday's opponents—Steve McClaren's side seem cherry-picked.

Newcastle are very much feeling their way into the new season, with a rousing comeback in their opener against Southampton quickly forgotten on the back of being thoroughly outplayed by Swansea last weekend. McClaren, via the Yorkshire Post, has hailed new signing Florian Thauvin as one of the "best young players in Europe," but Saturday will likely come too soon for the Frenchman to start.

Given Newcastle have lost their last seven away games in the Premier League and Manchester United are undefeated in 25 of their last 27 competitive matches against their north east visitors, anything but a routine home win would be seen as major disappointment for Louis van Gaal and his side. And if that's the case and Rooney doesn't score…a firing squad seems fair and proportionate.

West Brom v Chelsea, Sunday, 13:30 p.m. BST

Ivan Sekretarev/Associated Press/Associated Press/Associated Press

After a week in which many debated whether Jose Mourinho would ever smile again, the acquisition of Pedro (who Manchester United definitely didn't want, in the same way they never fancied Nicolas Otamendi) has at least brought momentary respite to a man who's been moodier than a teenage Tracy Barlow of late.

Pedro's decision to defect to the capital showed all Mourinho's persuasive powers are in full working order, in bringing in much-needed support for Diego Costa. His on-field lieutenant Cesc Fabregas also played his part in giving Mourinho a ringing endorsement on the back of making the same move last summer.

"I spoke to Cesc. We are very good friends. I knew I would feel at home here and that was one of the main reasons why I decided to join," said Pedro, as per ESPN.

A flat-line performance against Manchester City, when coupled with dropped points on the opening day at home to Swansea, leaves Chelsea if not in crisis certainly in a state of nervous anxiety.

While on paper it seems a little fanciful to suggest they won't have enough to claim a maximum haul at West Brom on Sunday, the last six meetings between the two sides have been perfectly matched, with two wins apiece and a pair of draws, as per WhoScored.com. When coupled with the fact Chelsea could be as many as eight points behind the leading pack should they lose in the Midlands, Tony Pulis will see Sunday's game as being more than just a free hit against a heavyweight.

Arsenal v Liverpool, Monday, 20:00 p.m. BST

Clint Hughes/Associated Press

Those that pick at Rooney's form like vultures circle road kill will no doubt claim Liverpool's start to the season merely gives false reassurance over Brendan Rodgers' ability to return his side to the Champions League.

Successive victories over Stoke City and Bournemouth will be filed under wars of attrition—there was little of Rodgers' famed "philosophy" about either performance—but for now winning ugly in a period of significant transition is a decent starter for them.

A trip to north London so soon will have been greeted with a roll of the eyes rather than fist pump, but consecutive clean sheets after last season's annus horribilis defensively is a marked improvement. News of Mamadou Sakho reportedly wanting out of Anfield having been sidelined by Rodgers, according to L'Equipe (via Bruce Archer of the Express), is unlikely to sit well with the club's supporters though.

Liverpool's more direct approach to date has caused some to question where Rodgers is taking this, but again, consolation can be sought in the muscular presence Christian Benteke already provides as a lone front man. A goal on his home debut can only help too.

For Arsenal and Arsene Wenger, last weekend's successful negotiation of a tough away day across the capital at Crystal Palace at least partially atoned the opening-day aberration at the Emirates. Key again this season looks likely to be Alexis Sanchez, who brushed off fears of having played too much football over the summer to be his normal direct and dynamic self at Selhurst Park.

If Liverpool adopt a back three on Monday night, as has been speculated, how they manage Sanchez's movement between the lines could prove a major factor in the game's outcome. Few players in the Premier League are as good at finding pockets of space as the Chilean, with Liverpool also likely having to contend with the absence of the injured Jordan Henderson.

In the corresponding fixture last season Arsenal ran riot to the tune of a 4-1 victory; Liverpool will point to their improvement at Stoke (a 1-0 victory at the Britannia Stadium being a sizeable swing from a 6-1 defeat) as being reason for quiet optimism.