Drafting the Best Fictional Athletes to Form an NBA Squad

NBA teams are forever chasing the perfect roster. No one's ever quite put one together, but maybe that's because general managers aren't casting a wide enough net. Most of them probably haven't even considered cartoons.

We're going to put together the greatest team ever assembled because we won't be limited by reality. Everyone, real or imagined, who's ever shot the rock on a screen is fair game in this exercise.

We need some rules.

The first is that we're trying to build a real team with balance, defined roles and as little skill-set overlap as possible. Talent is key, of course, but everyone (over the age of 30) remembers the 2004 USA men's Olympic team. Its ill-conceived "stars over fit" construction produced a lame-ass bronze medal and years of infamy.

We know better than that now. The members of this roster will complement each other. "The whole is so much more than the sum of the parts," everyone will say, probably taking this whole thing way too seriously.

OK, Rule No. 2: The players we pick just have to play basketball in a movie or TV show. It doesn't have to necessarily be their occupation or defining characteristic, but hoops needs to feature prominently in the story. This will expand roster-construction options.

And that's it!

Let's build this fictional juggernaut.

Neon Boudeaux: Interior Anchor

The top pick in any draft is all about upside, and who offers more of that than a 7-foot behemoth who’s never been coached but is somehow good enough to immediately dominate college basketball and beat Bobby Knight’s Indiana Hoosiers on a last-second lob?

That’s what Neon Boudeax did in Blue Chips, and it’s more than enough to make him a top pick here.

It definitely helps that Boudeaux is played by a young, svelte, terrifyingly athletic Shaquille O’Neal. So basically, we’re grabbing the raw, fictional version of Shaq at No. 1. You can't pass that up.

Is choosing an actual Hall of Famer cheating? Technically, no. Shaq is portraying somebody else. But in the interest of fairness, this will be the only time we actually choose a legitimate NBA superstar who happens to be playing a fictional character. That’s bad news for Jesus Shuttlesworth (Ray Allen), Butch McRae (Anfernee Hardaway) and Uncle Drew (Kyrie Irving).

Boudeax is initially ineligible to play collegiately because he gets his name wrong on the SAT. He improves on his second try, but we're probably still not going to consult him on strategy. He'll just obliterate everyone at the rim on both ends.

With our center(piece) established, it’s time to start filling out the rest of the first unit.

Jimmy Chitwood: Elite Marksman

A team built around Shaq/Neon is going to need spacing. Jimmy Chitwood from Hoosiers provides that better than anybody else.

With a jumper that might as well have come right out of a "How to Shoot" textbook, Chitwood drains roughly 90 percent of the shots he takes in the movie, has zero ego and makes everyone around him better with his gravity.

We have to note the downsides. Jimmy has only really proven himself at the 1950s Indiana high school level, wouldn’t know what a three-point line was if he saw one and has a dad who’s liable to wander onto the court in a stupor. 

But come on! Our introduction to Chitwood involves him making like 15 shots in a row, he basically saves the entire team by going to bat for embattled coach Norman Dale and, most importantly, he has the confidence to take the biggest shot in the biggest game of the movie.

No surprise: He drains it, prompting the fans to go wild and a lot of old people to kiss for some reason.

Teen Wolf: Intimidator

Skill, team play, discipline—it all matters. But sometimes you need to put legitimate fear into the opposition.

I dare you to find someone who can do that better than a scoring wing who turns into a Werewolf when he gets upset.

Nobody’s picking up a feral, supernatural creature for 94 feet. But in addition to an immunity to full-court pressure, Teen Wolf gives the team off-the-charts athleticism, Globetrotter-level ball-handling and predatory (duh; he’s a wolf) defense. Teen Wolf is a steals magnet, and he plays above the rim.

Even in human form, Teen Wolf is pretty clutch. In the movie, his last-second free throws clinch the big game for his team and earns him a great big pre-credits smooch from his love interest. Full disclosure, though: If he doesn’t agree to stay in wolf form for all 48 minutes, we may need to renegotiate his contract.

Unfortunately, this is going to cost Air Bud a roster spot. You get two canines on the same team, and the whole "who's the alpha?" thing wrecks the locker room.

Snake Plissken: Ultimate Clutch Performer

A lot of players talk about do-or-die games, but Snake Plissken, played by Kurt Russell in Escape from LA, has actually lived that experience.

Don’t think about the realism too hard, but understand the basics: In an effort to save the captured president’s daughter, Snake has to infiltrate a post-apocalyptic Los Angeles, which is an island now because of an earthquake. 

He’s set upon at every turn by mutated antagonists who are trying to kill him. Once captured by the villain, Snake is forced to play basketball to save his life. You know, very normal stuff.

He has to make five baskets, going back and forth on a full court, with a clock resetting to 10 seconds after each make. Long story short, he makes a layup, a jumper, a three, a half-court fling and a full-court heave—all after being told that he’ll be turned into Swiss cheese by a stadium full of the villain’s heavily-armed lackeys if he fails.

In succeeding, he demonstrates incredible cardio, good clock management and an unsurpassed ability to perform under pressure. Plus, consider the degree of difficulty. Plissken makes all those shots while wearing fingerless gloves and an eye-patch, which probably ruined his depth perception.

You think maybe he’d be able to handle the pressure of a couple of late-game free throws? Yeah, me too.

Bugs Bunny: Team-First Sacrificer

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It’s hard to understand how the plot point made it into a movie for kids, but there’s no glossing over it: Bugs Bunny chooses to die for the good of the team at the end of Space Jam: A New Legacy.

We respect that sacrifice.

A character who has emerged none the worse for wear after almost 100 years of being set on fire, blown up, smashed to bits and flattened into a pancake is resilient by definition. But at the time, the stakes were clear. With his team in a dire spot, Bugs agrees to perform “the move,” which we’re made to understand creates a glitch in the game that deletes whoever tries it.

LeBron James volunteers first, assuming that as a real human, he won’t suffer the consequences of the glitch. But Bugs goes rogue, and in helping his team to victory, disappears from existence. He even ascends to the heavens. It’s a deeply odd thing to see in a cartoon, maybe even a little moving.

Bugs Bunny doesn’t actually die, of course. He comes back later, and everybody gets their happy ending. But it wasn’t clear that was a possibility when he sacrificed himself.

That’s a level of total commitment this team needs. The only issue is making sure he’s not already committed to baseball, where he’s also exceptional. Bugs Bunny: two-sport star.

Calvin Cambridge: Second-Unit Superstar

If we can’t draft Michael Jordan because of the prohibition on selecting actual humans who’ve appeared as themselves in movies, we can exploit a loophole in the system by grabbing someone who, well…technically was MJ.

But was also Bow Wow.

Look, it’s complicated. And the easier route might have involved targeting Brian Newell from Thunderstruck, who absorbed Kevin Durant’s powers by touching a magic basketball and making a wish. But because Like Mike was the originator of the “kid still looks like a kid but is actually an NBA superstar” genre, and because Jordan still resides above KD in any GOAT conversation, we’re going with this one.

Is Cambridge aka Bow Wow aka Shad Moss actually as good as Jordan upon donning his magic shoes? We can say for sure that he’s better than all the NBA All-Stars he goes up against in the movie, despite being listed, generously, at 4'8". Highlights include winning the Dunk Contest with a slam from the foul line and beating Alonzo Mourning for a jump ball.

That’s pretty impressive on its own, and more than good enough to be the captain of our second unit. Plus, who's to say our team’s analytics department couldn’t figure out how to mass produce those shoes, turning everyone into someone like Mike?

Except Teen Wolf. He’s already good enough and might chew up the shoes.

Billy Hoyle: Overachiever

The whole premise of White Men Can’t Jump is that Billy Hoyle is criminally underrated. He’s a grifter whose livelihood depends on him showing up to pickup games, looking like he has no idea what he’s doing and then dominating. It’s a risky vocation, but nobody’s better at it.

A lot of people will clamor for Sidney Deane in this spot, but everybody knows he’s obviously good. There’s no chance he’s still on the board here. Hoyle is a late-round sleeper, the kind of high-value pick we need to fill out the roster. Plus, Billy hustles Sidney early in the movie, proving he’s got the higher court awareness and basketball IQ. Sidney is a sucker, at least at first, and Billy dupes him.

We also cannot underrate Billy’s faith in himself and willingness to put everything on the line. He gambles his girlfriend's nest egg, which she’s going to use to get on Jeopardy!, by accepting a two-on-two game against players we’re told are basically unbeatable. If you don’t believe in yourself, who will?

Peter Parker: Extra-Possession Generator

There are no 50/50 balls when Peter Parker is involved. Everything he gets his hands on belongs to him, mostly because he has the ability to adhere to whatever he touches.

This'll come in handy if any games come down to hustle points. Loose balls can determine the outcome sometimes, and Parker is going to track down and secure every one of them.

It definitely also helps that Parker, who is Spider-Man (sorry for the spoiler), has superhuman strength, can dunk from at least the three-point line and could theoretically snag opponent's shot attempts and passes in mid-flight by slinging webs at them. We don't see him do that in the movie, but we know he's got that in his bag.

His presence on the roster is going to eliminate Halle Berry's Catwoman because taking multiple superheroes feels unfair. But that's for the best. There's a basketball scene in that movie bad enough to qualify as a criminal offense.

Thomas Sheppard: Microwave Super Sub

Thomas "Shep" Sheppard isn't an every-night contributor, but he's there when you need him most. He proved that by subbing into the decisive game in Above the Rim, scoring approximately 40 points and somehow surviving the brutal physicality of the other team—while wearing long sleeves and corduroy slacks.

We know Shep is a great player because he dominates the movie's protagonist, a Georgetown-bound Kyle played by Duane Martin, when they square off one-on-one. But we don't really get to see Shep flex his skills until it's absolutely necessary.

Like Plissken in Escape from L.A., Shep is comfortable competing with everything on the line. He even takes a bullet for Kyle after throwing him the game-winning lob.

All Shep does is drill jumpers, rack up steals and meet the moment.

Steve Urkel: Equipment Manager

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Look, we haven't mentioned this before, but we're on a budget here. The salary cap details of our fictional team aren't important, but we're up against the cap in a serious way and need to maximize the value of our 10th and final roster spot.

Good thing Steve Urkel counts as an equipment manager.

That's his technical position before he subs in as an injury replacement and puts on an absolute show. If there were points awarded for dribbling between one's legs, Urkel would have had about 50,000 of them, but he also scores conventionally and turns the tide with his passing prowess.

He's solely responsible for erasing the Muskrats' 20-point deficit, hitting the game-winner and saving the coach's job, all of which he does while wearing suspenders.