Officer, I Saw the Whole Thing

As a diehard Arizona Diamondbacks fan I go to a lot of games. According to my wife that may be the largest understatement she has heard this century. Ok let me rephrase that, I go to a whole lot of games. Having gone to so many games over the 12 year history of the Arizona Diamondbacks there are times that I think I have probably seen just about everything there is to see at a baseball game.

I have watched a no-hitter, I have seen a perfect game. I have watched a pitcher strike out 20 batters in a game and I have endured a 16-inning marathon. Just as I am about to proclaim there is nothing new left to see, something strange and unusual happens and I am reminded that you can never see everything.

In most instances the action occurs between the foul lines and I am left to ponder what I witnessed on the playing field. Every so often though the action spills over from the fields and makes its way into the stands. Take last night’s game for example.

The Arizona Diamondbacks sent their ace Dan Haren to the mound to face former Diamondbacks pitcher Jon Garland. That was story enough to fill a column. Add to that the fact the teams were playing on 09/09/09 and the story got even bigger. All of that paled though when compared to the action in Section 112 during the eighth inning.

The Diamondbacks had lost seven games in a row and were in danger of being swept by the Los Angeles Dodgers at home. The game was tied 3-3 and the action was intense.

Sitting three rows behind us were two couples. The couples were not together, they just happened to have adjacent seats. One couple were adorned in Los Angeles Dodgers gear and the gentleman was really getting into the game.

By the midpoint in the game he was on his feet yelling at the teams and the players. Soon he was standing in his seat screaming not only at the Dodgers and the Diamondbacks but also at the fans sitting around him. He was not hard to miss, you could hear him throughout Chase Field.

I leaned over and told my wife, “That guy has anger issues. You watch he is going to cause problems before this game is through.” Little did I know how prophetic my words would become? In the top of the eighth the man once again stood up and began yelling at the fans in the stands.

The couple sitting next to them had about had enough. The guy, we’ll call him Mohawk Man, told Dodger Boy to shut up and sit down. Dodger Boy was not about to take that and began screaming at Mohawk Man. Mohawk Man stood up and faced Dodger Boy and before long personal space was violated and the shoving began.

Dodger Boy shoved Mohawk Man who in turn shoved Dodger Boy. Dodger Boy fell backwards into his girlfriend/wife/ whatever. She was not about to take that and stood up shoving Dodger Boy and Mohawk Man. All three of them stumbled back into Mohawk Man’s girlfriend/wife whatever. She then got up and pushed the other three back.

They were all in a giant bear hug shoving each other back and forth when all of a sudden Dodger Boy’s girlfriend/wife/whatever whipped out one of those mini bats that you can buy at the team shop and began wielding it like a Samurai sword.

The bat struck Mohawk Man’s girlfriend/wife/whatever right in the head opening up a four-inch gap in her forehead above her eye. Mohawk Man seeing his date getting pummeled with a bat attempted to get her out of the way but not before the girl took another blow to the cheek.

By this time blood was flying everywhere like the splash zone at Sea World. Security rushed in to try and break up the fight. Dodger Boy’s girlfriend/wife/whatever was still swinging wildly with the bat. Mohawk Man was heading the other direction trying to get his injured girlfriend/wife/whatever to safety to assess the damages.

Someone handed them a stack of napkins to soak up the blood and they headed up the section walk way. Security was still trying to calm down Dodger Boy and his mate and they nearly lost Mohawk Man and his date except for the fact that she slid to the ground no doubt as a result of losing blood and I would imagine a concussion. Security and the EMTs arrived on the scene and worked on the girl while the authorities tried to figure out what had transpired.

With all of the excitement the action on the field stopped as players, coaches, and umpires tried to figure out what all the commotion was and if the teams were in any kind of danger.

In our section security personnel trying to take statements and restore the peace surrounded us. There was also the problem of all the blood that was on the seats in the aisles, and on the floor. Sanitation crews along with medical personnel worked to clean up the mess but for the remainder of the game two full rows were evacuated and relocated.

In the end there were four arrests made. I am sure there will be charges of aggravated assault lodged against the girl swinging the bat and both couples will probably spend some time at the county jail. Almost as an afterthought the game resumed and the Diamondbacks won on a walk-off walk.

As for me, I made a note to myself to never ever again suggest that I had seen about all there is to see at a baseball game. Who knew when I walked through the turnstiles last night I would not only get to see a Diamondbacks victory but would be a witness to an Ultimate Fighting Championship co-ed grudge match?