Lamar Odom Ends Free Agency Standoff With an Easy Choice

Lamar Odom may relish the sweets more than an athlete in his sport of choice should, and his play can be as uneven and dissatisfying as a chicken fried steak in France.

He's not an idiot.

If we learn anything from his no-surprise decision to return to the defending champions, it should be that.

Was he ever going to Miami to play for a first round victim on life support?

Fat chance. Doctors say people who eat a lot of candy get fat, but that's beside the point.

(You didn't think you were going to make it through this column without a playful ribbing of Odom's previous weight struggles, did you?)

ESPN first reported Thursday afternoon that Odom had verbally agreed to a four-year, $33 million deal.

Yahoo! Sports NBA analyst Adrian Wojnarowski, easily the best hoops writer this offseason, reported early this week that Odom was "strongly considering" the Heat's five-year, full mid-level offer.

I buy that Bill Clinton did not inhale more than that gibberish. Heck, you could get me to believe that O.J. didn't do it before such hogwash.

Odom heading to South Beach was a classic case of "I'll believe it when he does it."

The versatile forward was always posturing the Lakers, using the threat of going elsewhere as leverage to get more money and years on his offer.

Lakers Owner Jerry Buss finally caved in and added a fourth year to his lowered offer, and that was that.

Now, the reigning champion Los Angeles Lakers are the Lakers again.

The only dumbo who would take Miami's offer would be a sourpuss hellbent on revenge and spite.

The extra year in that deal was a big deal, and so is the already upgraded champion retaining its do-everything reserve.

If the 65-win Lakers were tough to beat last season, they will prove a grizzly bear the next.

A few teams who have completed whirlwind spending sprees this summer will have a chance to leave the proverbial campsite without peeing themselves, but the one who last let out the ultimate roar will be the favorite to do it again.

By virtue of being the best team in the league, the Lakers were already the prohibitive favorites.

When GM Mitch Kupchak lost 24-year-old swingman Trevor Ariza after a lousy attempt at hardball from agent David Lee, the Jerry West understudy scared up veteran crazy man Ron Artest, who was busy getting ditched by the team that said it wanted him back as recent as May.

A franchise center projected to miss the entire season can change a few things.

Now, Artest will play alongside a long-time friend, a personable man prone to reflection who can help quell those strange tendencies and behaviors.

Some strange behaviors, at least. We're talking about a guy who said in his tribute song to Michael Jackson that he'll see the embattled, deceased pop icon next year.

According to reports, Artest also showed up late to the Houston Rockets' team bus for game seven in Los Angeles in his underwear.

Odom is a weirdo, too.

The jelly bean fiend thought it would be adventurous and buzzworthy to take the basketball-watching public on a faux ride to nowhere.

No one is laughing now, particularly the 14 Western Conference GMs who spent the last week silently chanting "Let's Go Heat!"

Despite the disappointment this will cause those who want to watch the Lakers suffer and burn in any way possible, it was the logical decision for Odom to make.

His Laker teammates were begging him to return.

He gave himself a whole month to bask in blogosphere rhetoric that he was the key to a repeat.

Oh, don't think he didn't enjoy that, too.

When this absurd, painstaking hostage situation had ended, the resolution seemed as anti-climactic as the ending of late-90s blockbuster Titanic.

Did anyone not know that the ship would sink before the credits rolled? It's the Titanic for crying out loud!

This was a mercurial forward choosing between a doormat driven to desperation amidst thoughts of losing its star attraction and a sure-fire contender for several more years.

It seemed at times like agent Jeff Schwartz might win one for stupidity and steer his client away from the only team that fits him.

He can be inconsistent on such a loaded roster and still earn every penny of his paycheck.

Had he bolted for Biscayne Bay, the pressure of being the next Scottie Pippen would have returned—and the old, not-close-to-Pippen version of Odom would have, too.

The acquisition of the Lakers forward would have presented Heat President Pat Riley with the deadliest of false hopes.

Odom could not help Dwyane Wade carry such a sorry roster to another title.

Not now. Not ever.

Thursday afternoon, Odom did what he should have weeks ago.

He should have jumped on Buss's original three-year offer and been happy about it.

Instead, Schwartz likely mandated that Odom drag out this cat-and-mouse act longer than anyone wanted.

In place of submissive or frightened cries from mice, expect a collective "thank God" from scores of basketball writers who can now go on vacation.

The Heat didn't lose much in this non-sweepstakes, and the Lakers didn't lose anything.

To put it in "Kumbaya" terms, everyone wins.

What would Erik Spoelstra have done mid-season when his second best player was pining for membership on the defending champion at least 20 games ahead in the standings?

What would Phil Jackson have done if an injury forced him to rely on Adam Morrison or Sasha "The Latrine" Vujacic for major, consistent production?

The winningest coach in league history combats daily hip pain. You can cross heart trouble caused by panic off the list of prospective ailments.

"Someone's singing, Lord, kumbaya."

That would be Odom, the Lakers front office and the Los Angeles fans who finally solved the biggest mystery of a tense summer.

Did anyone need to call Leonard Nimoy or Sherlock Holmes on this one?

Only an idiot would have spurned a foregone conclusion.

Odom may be many things, not all of them desirable, but a nincompoop is not one.

This move, above all else, is a victory for common sense. Even this Texas basketball fanatic can raise a Twizzler and a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup for that.