The NBA Draft Report: Rubio Starr

Pre-Draft

Before going to work today, I saw a draft analysis and heard the word upside about 40 times. The upside drinking game would lead to rapid death.

To celebrate the utter lack of meaning of the word upside, every time an announcer (most likely Jay Bilas, who for a Duke graduate and a lawyer somehow loses all analytical skills around draft time) says the word, I will quote the sentence and replace upside with a random word from the dictionary.

With the passing of Ed McMahon this week, I wonder if the NBA draft setup is a little messed up. I think David Stern would be best to have a Johnny Carson type desk on the stage, and have an announcer make the picks. Rod Roddy would have been a perfect announcer during his time.

“The Washington Wizards select Tyreke Evans, come on down, you’re the next pick in the NBA Draft.” David Stern would then tell jokes in between picks with the announcer/sidekick. “The Memphis Grizzlies are located in only one of two NBA cities that has multiple pro teams. Tyreke Evans’ freshman year at Memphis counts towards his pension.

"John Calipari couldn’t motivate his players to make foul shots because they were free throws. DeMar DeRozan will hopefully get picked soon, I’ve got 100 more of these."

With the old Carson setup, David Stern would also establish a pecking order, where he would only invite certain people over to the couch, and he would conduct the interviews.

They would have to be better than Stuart Scott. The NBA would seat the players in the middle of the aisle, so they would have to hug and high five strangers before they hit the stage. That way all the potential draft picks could be in person, which would be unlucky for the dude seated behind Hasheem Thabeet.

I would just want to see someone have to run to the bathroom to grab Chase Budinger when his named was called. Also block all cell phone reception at the Theater so the camera can pan on multiple players getting very nervous that no agents or teams are calling.

If I don’t get Kenny, Ernie, and Charles for the draft, I need other ways to make this more entertaining.

Blake Griffin can make this draft incredibly entertaining by taking one simple action. The Clippers are picking him, although if they picked his brother accidentally, it would surprise no one.

When David Stern calls his name and hands Griffin the hat, he fakes putting the hat on, and then throws it to the ground, stomps on it, and kicks it into the crowd. Then he rips off his dress shirt to reveal a Lakers jersey and walks to the side of the stage and hugs Kobe Bryant. It would be better than signing a contract with the Clippers.

The main question I have pre-draft involves the Suns. How much money will they get paid out of this draft and what fan destroying trade will they take part in during the draft?

I give credit to Robert Sarver and Steve Kerr for engaging in a pre-draft fan crotch shot with the Shaq for Ben Wallace and Sasha Pavlovic trade, although that $500,000 is awesome for a non-playoff team who charges a $4 facility charge for every ticket, including season ticket holders.

The Suns have made trades every year for the last five years to avoid paying the luxury tax, as if building a long-term successful franchise is secondary.

Remember two years ago they traded a first-round pick in Rudy Fernandez and a solid bench player in James Jones for cash. I am rooting for Phoenix to trade Amare Stoudamire for Tracy McGrady and $20,000 to reinforce the GM philosophy that a crack addict wrote.

Draft Log

David Stern almost has a Johnny Carson delivery, throwing out a big smile as he welcomes the people to the draft and congratulates the Lakers. I think the desk idea has some legs.

Stuart Scott is anchoring this year, with Mark Jackson, Stan Van Gundy, and Jay Bilas. Mark Jackson just called the Clippers “a great situation." I somehow doubt that being second fiddle to the Champions in their home city, and playing under horrible coaching and awful ownership is great.

Blake is counting down the days to free agency, day 1 is today. Mark Jones is doing the interviews and I think ESPN upgraded the coverage this year. If only they could shoehorn Chris Berman into the coverage somehow.

If you wondered how a black dude has red hair, your question has been answered when Blake’s parents were interviewed. Mike Dunleavy is interviewed and he says that they are going to do what is best for the team. So maybe he is firing himself as coach after all.

After Memphis picks Hasheem Thabeet at No.2, ESPN shows the Memphis Grizzlies draft room, and a random employee walks in front of the camera. He’s probably trying to pick up chicks based on his new television fame. Thabeet used to play soccer in Tanzania, and you can bet his opponents faked getting injured when they got within three feet of him.

James Harden busts out the bow tie and striped shirt, either because he is auditioning for dancing guy in a hip-hop video, or making his best effort to join the Jalen Rose, Karl Malone draft day montage. Harden definitely makes for a good interview.

Tyreke Evans has amazing length according to Jay Bilas. I think Jay is doing too much research on these guys. Bilas also called Evans ball dominant. How can he have amazing length and be ball dominant?

It looks like Jay has made a non-upside cheat sheet for this year. Tyreke’s name is Hugo, because he was born during Hurricane Hugo. Fifteen years from now, strip clubs in the south will be filled with dancers named Katrina.

If I didn’t see the etching on the window, I would swear the Timberwolves draft room was a hotel conference room. Minnesota selected Ricky Rubio, who in Spain also plays Ringo in the Madrid production of Love.

ESPN is showing missed shots and a turnover in his highlight video, they must not have had access to a lot of film. Ricky doesn’t know a lot of English, but he has learned how to speak in the third person.

Jeff Van Gundy says that Minnesota has to find the right type of backup for Rubio, so of course Minnesota selects Jonny Flynn. It’s always good to be drafted sixth and penciled in as a backup. I’m happy since a Western New York player goes this early.

Golden State selected Stephen Curry, ruining the day for most Knicks fans. Wow his mom looks hot. Golden State is a system where they run and go crazy and shoot a lot, so as I type this they are going to trade him, to Phoenix.

I can go see Stephen Curry play home games and run up and down the court like crazy, that could be a lot of fun. Stephen is growing facial hair like a teenager trying to look 18 to buy a pack of cigarettes.

The camera pans to MSG and there are about 400 fans at the draft party. They opened up MSG for a crowd that could have fit in ESPN Zone? Mark Jackson was the last Knicks draft pick to make an All-Star team. Donnie Walsh took Jordan Hill out to lunch, and learned that he isn’t a fan of ketchup.

DeMar DeRozan is picked by Toronto, and he has sick parents, and he’s going to get them the best health care he can. You’ve got universal health care if you move them up north. ESPN finally takes a commercial, going the first hour commercial free.

Brandon Jennings is the second Compton player taken in a row, and I have a comment about his hair in the film, but he’s from Compton and I’m not messing with him. ESPN must have set up an electroshock buzzer on the announcers to avoid using upside; I haven’t been able to use my bit yet.

Charlotte drafts Gerald Henderson, whom ESPN states “could be the next Raja Bell." That’s the point we’ve hit in this draft, role players and defenders and bench players galore. I’m only going to pick 20 if this keeps up. This draft is incredibly shallow.

Indiana selects Tyler Hansbrough, and really, he was probably only going to Utah or Indiana. He must improve finishing above the rim. I can only imagine what that means.

Phoenix selected Earl Clark, who is not there. Yet Brandon Jennings, who was picked at No. 10 just shows up. I really hope that starts a new trend with players just showing up at random points during the draft. Brandon continued the trend of purple, with many of the players symbolizing a desire to eventually be a Laker.

Austin Daye’s mom is a bigger woman, but not bad looking for a mom. She must hate Mrs. Curry, since Daye’s mom could win draft MILF in many years. Daye is 6’10” and weighs 192 pounds, and must improve appetite or reduce his metabolism. Austin’s dad looks like he’s about 30.

Dick Vitale ruins what has been a pretty good broadcast so far. I’m not even sure what he says because he was yelling for no reason. Dick, you had a microphone, they could hear you via satellite.

Finally. Thank you Jay Bilas. Jay describes James Johnson and says “He’s got to be a more focused player and more focused defender, and he has a lot of marmalade in the NBA." Marmalade stinks.

Minnesota picks for the third time in the first round, and selects Ty Lawson, because point guards are on sale and Minnesota is stocking up. I’m sure one of these guys will be traded, unless the T-Wolves hope to be the best passing, worst shooting team in basketball.

Lawson is being traded to Denver for a future pick and cash. Don’t they know that gold is a lot more valuable these days.

I’ll have to do my upside bit with wingspan next year. Wingspan is nice if any of these players actually can fly. Since they can’t, maybe reach and arm length are a bit more relevant. Utah picks Eric Maynor with pick 20, as now everyone is drafting for backups and signals the end of any interest in the draft for me.