But Can Kobe Win Without Jack? (HUMOR)

Matt CullenAnalyst IJune 17, 2009

LOS ANGELES, CA - JUNE 07:  Actor Jack Nicholson calls out as he attends Game Two of the 2009 NBA Finals between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Orlando Magic at Staples Center on June 7, 2009 in Los Angeles, California. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)

Well, the scumbag Kobe Bryant won much to America's dismay. A sign of how strange and how unfair life is.

The Rockets had more heart, the Nuggets were in my opinion more talented and played with a ton of energy, and the Magic had Superman yet the phony Jordan wannabe has a 4th ring.

However, the rest of the Kobe rationalists (Not haters) and myself do have to man up. We said he couldn't win without Shaq, and we were wrong. It was foolish of us to oversimplify everything to just Shaq.

In a similar way, people are coming to an oversimplified conclusion about what this title means. Kobe grown up?

Absolutely not! The phony had to create a new face to make us believe he is all business.

That he won't run MVPs out of town, that he won't quit on his team in deciding games. I call BULLOCKS!

Kobe has been riding the coattails of many people to pick up NBA rings, not just Shaq. Derek Fisher and Robert Horry obviously are guys that come to mind that have bailed him out time and time again, Phil Jackson constantly has to set him straight, the refs sure don't hurt either. However, the secret ingredient!

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How could we miss it?!

He's 72 years old, he partied hard back in the day with John Belushi and Hunter S. Thompson and lives to tell! He has more Academy Award Nominations than any other male actor in history and he's the most famous Lakers fan in Hollywood.

Seriously have you seen Jack Nicholson lately? It's disgusting! If he was a female he would look like this- http://www.shockya.com/news/wp-content/uploads/drag_me_to_hell_witch.jpg

Did you see Dwight Howard nearly melt after shaking Jack's hand? Solution? Jack is immortal, Jack is the straw that stirs the drink.

In order of highest impact on Laker's recent championships: Jack Nicholson, Shaquille O'Neal, God, Phil Jackson, Derek Fisher, Robert Horry, Mike Ditka, and then we could probably slide Kobe into the 8th spot. Even the most extreme Kobe rationalists are willing to admit that he has made an impact. (Though he did cost them two more titles.)

I had a sit-down with Kobe Bryant the other day after the title-clinching Game 5 and was met with interesting results.

"Well first off, congratulations in order Mr Kobe Bryant."

"Thanks Matt! It feels so surreal still."

"I bet phony."

"Pardon me? Wh-"

"Must feel good to shut up critics about whether you win without Shaq eh?" I interrupted.

"Oh absolutely man, there was no doubt in my mind that this day could come but it was annoying to hear the critics year after..."

"Rationalists." I interrupted again.


"Oh, they're called rationalists Kobe."

"Huh...I've never heard that terminology for them bef-"

I was forced to interrupt the phony again in order to stay on topic, "You know it was just silly to oversimplify things by giving Shaq all of the glory."

"Absolutely Matt, it's a team game."

"Surprised you know of the term."

"Excuse me?"

"What I meant to say is there were many guys whose coattails you've rode to get your championship rings."

Kobe just stared at me in bewilderment.

"You know that Jack Nicholson partied with John Belushi and Hunter S. Thompson in the 70's and 80's and at the age of 72 he still lives to tell about it? My theory is that he is immortal and is the backbone behind the Los Angeles Lakers."

It appeared I may have been losing Kobe on that one as he began to chuckle.

"When are you going to win a championship by yourself? How long is Jack going to be your security blanket? Time is running out #24."

"Ok, this is getting stupid. Have a nice day Matt."

"The smell of denial #24. Don't forget that you're a rapist too! And how long till your wife becomes Rihanna to your Chris Brown?"

Kobe turned around preceding his face turning red right before my eyes. Suddenly he did the angry face before pouncing on me. He would be restrained but not before hurting my wrist.

It was worth it though, I got the reaction I wanted. From my vantage point, it appeared that I struck a nerve. Now I know the truth; Kobe can't win without Jack and he knows it!

The sun is bright my fellow rationalists. Kobe got his ring but that does not mean that we take time off.

Pounce on this story! Kobe can't win without Jack.

It will eat at his insides and eventually the Lakers will be forced to choose between the two. It may not be next season but if you are persistent, it will happen. I promise you.

Within three seasons tops, I expect to see Jack Nicholson back in New Jersey leading the New Jersey Nets to playoff success. Or maybe even willing the other LA team to the promise land. As long as that phony is losing, we'll be A-Ok.

Good day!

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