Turning The Tables: Pat Forde Meets The Press (Satire)

Here is a "transcript" of ESPN's Pat Forde answering questions of flagrant bias from a panel of concerned reporters.

Q: Mr. Forde. Wouldn't journalistic ethics dictate that any articles written by you regarding John Calipari include a disclaimer that you recently co-authored a book with Louisville head coach Rick Pitino?

Pat Forde: Certainly not. Coach Pitino and Coach Calipari are cordial with one another and both have respect for each other's accomplishments.

Q: They have spoken cordially of each other in public but it is well documented that their public stance may be different than their private feelings towards each other. How do you respond to that?

PF: So what. Just because I know the truth doesn't mean I have to write it. This is America, the constitution gives us the freedom of speech to lie in the first amendment.

Q: In a recent article you authored for ESPN.COM, you questioned John Calipari's "willingness to recruit actual college students." Now I wasn't able to find a copy of the book you wrote with Coach Pitino considering how poorly the book is selling, but surely you wrote about several "actual college students" who have played for Louisville and Kentucky while Rick Pitino was head coach, or who have committed to Pitino's teams.

PF: Who are you referring to?

Q: Sebastian Telfair, Jeremy Tyler, Derrick Caracter, Ron Mercer, Antoine Walker, just to name a few.

PF: Ron Mercer and Antoine Walker both played two years for Kentucky. Derrick Rose and Tyreke Evans played one year at Memphis.

Q: So that's how deep your childish attitude goes. You're willing to split hairs over players who attended college for seven months versus players who attended college for 19 months, and ignore the fact that your buddy has recruited several players who have had short stays in college while criticizing someone else you don't like for doing the same thing?

PF: Yes. Yes I am.

Q: But aren't you aware that the life expectancy in this country is over 80 years old, and that an extra 12 months in the grand scheme of things really isn't that big of a deal in anybody's life, student athlete or not?

PF: To a reasonable person, 12 months is not that long. But for a sportswriter with an agenda like me, I need to take any angle I can find!

Q: Getting back to the original question regarding academics and what you referred to as "Calipari's willingness to recruit actual college students." While some players like Rose and Evans only stayed at Memphis for one year, others have stayed for much longer. Recently, four Memphis seniors: Antonio Anderson, Shawn Taggart, Chance McGrady, and Robert Dozier, all graduated from the University of Memphis. Wouldn't they constitute real college students?

PF: Technically, yes. But let me explain what writers like me do when they want to advance their vendettas. If players leave early for the NBA, we say that Coach X doesn't really care about education and just care about winning.

Q: But isn't winning the point of competitive team sports following the conclusion of tee-ball?

PF: Don't interrupt me! As I was saying, if other players actually graduate, what we do is simple. We just make unfounded allegations that the players we're pushed through with no-show courses and easy majors.

Q: But aren't there privacy laws concerning the course work of all students?

PF: That's true. There are privacy laws. But there are ways to get around them. You see what usually happens is some angry liberal socialist professor who is angry about all the money pro athletes make and the fact that schools give out athletic scholarships at all will just illegally leak transcripts. That way, guys like me don't get nailed for any laws we might break, and we don't get called on the hypocrisy of lambasting a system that pays me to cover college sports for a living. 

Q: You stated following John Calipari's hiring at Kentucky that he "operates in the gray area." Can you elaborate on that?

PF: Sure. It's very simple. He's never actually been in trouble with the NCAA, so since I don't have facts I can use, I just rely on rumor and innuendo.

Q: Don't you find it somewhat sad that this is what sports writing has degenerated into?

PF: Absoltely not. I'm proud of it. And I'll take it a step further. If I can't get a guy on rumor and innuendo, I'll just make something up and cite "unnamed sources." Like I did in my recent article when stated that "ESPN.COM spoke to several college basketball coaches" and asked them about they're knowledge of situations similar to Reggie Rose flying on the team plane.

Q: Who were those coaches exactly Mr. Forde?

PF: I won't reveal my sources.

Q: With all do respect Mr. Forde, this isn't exactly a matter of national security we're talking about here. You couldn't find one coach out of the 300 or so division 1 coaches to go on the record about something as mundane as "travel procedures?" I find that hard to believe.

PF: So do I. I mean, uh, uh, next question. 

Q: You cited the fact that as Umass coach in 1996, the team's Final Four appearance was vacated after if was revealed that Marcus Camby accepted money from agents. Accepting money from agents is perhaps the most egregious behavior a student athlete can engage and is very foolish considering Camby was months away from becoming rich. Do you honestly believe that John Calipari would have been foolish enough to be complicit in this situation?

PF: What do you mean?

Q: Surely Calipari wouldn't have risked his reputation by encouraging Camby to accept money from agents. Or do you think he would do something so brazen?

PF: No comment.

Q: So when student-athletes work for four years and earn their degrees, they are denigrated and have their legitimacy questioned, and when a 20 year-old like Camby makes a dumb mistake and returns the money no less, it is the coach's fault.

PF: In my world, yes!

Q: It was mentioned in your article that Reggie Rose's presence on the team plane is being called into question. You stated the following: "what is an associate of a player doing on the team plane?" It is common knowledge that the boosters who fund college sports programs are given preferential treatment by schools and often travel on team charters. So do you believe that it is fair that boosters can buy space on team charters but family members can't?

PF: Of course it's not fair. But the NCAA has so many dopey rules, and if I have to try and nail Cal on some stupid technicality that no reasonable person would care about, then so be it.

Q: Say for example Reggie Rose won the mega millions lottery in the summer of 2007 and decided he wanted to become a Memphis booster with his fortune. Then imagine he decided to donate money to the school and spend some cash on team road trips, would that have been okay with you?

PF: (Yelling) But he didn't win the lottery did he? Shoot, now that you mention it, I wish I could win the lottery. Anybody know any good numbers to play? These royalties from the Pitino book aren't exactly breaking the bank!

Q: In your article you questioned John Calipari's commitment to discipline. Has anyone at ESPN.COM or the Disney corporation ever questioned your habits of denigrating young adults, blatantly holding grudges against coaches you have it in for, or the aforementioned use of rumor and innuendo?

PF: Listen, this is ESPN i'm working for here. Other than Bob Ley, Jeremy Schaap, Andy Katz, and a few others, there's nary a serious journalist in the entire operation. Did you see Peter Gammons lobbing softballs at Alex Rodriguez? Chris Mortensen saying Eli Manning was out for month when de didn't miss a single game? We have updates on our ticker saying that "ESPN's so and so has learned x" when the story has been broken hours earlier by other media outlets. You can't really take us seriously, can you? I mean look at what goes on in politics, 90% of the so-called objective journalists openly campaigned for Barack Obama, and you have a problem with the fact that I have it in for John McCain, I mean Calipari. This is the toy department for crying out loud! Just a bunch of silly games that allows me to travel the country, go to games, and eat press room buffets, all for free! Isn't America great?

Q: Sir, your attitude is appalling. ESPN is under the umbrella of a major media conglomerate, the Walt Disney Corporation!

PF: You're correct, I work for Disney!

(An angry fan storms into the press conference)

FAN: I couldn't think of a more appropriate corporation that would employ a man of your ilk considering your love for fairy tales!

PF: You know what, this press conference is over. Th-th-th-th-that's ALL FOLKS!

FAN: That's all Folks is from Warner Brothers, not Disney.

PF: I'm wrong all the time, what's one more screw-up!