5 Ways Pep Guardiola Could Find the Bayern Munich Tactics Mole

Pep Guardiola is angry.

Despite an emphatic 3-0 victory over Borussia Dortmund on Saturday, the Bayern Munich coach is aware of a mole within his ranks. Clearly, someone didn't watch Robert De Niro's speech in Goodfellas and has been leaking tactical secrets to the media. 

"It does not matter who it is, heads will roll," he told German newspaper Bild (translated via The Guardian). "I will throw him out. He will not play under me again."

With the existence of a mole confirmed by Bayern chief executive Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, it is now time to hunt him out. Here are some methods Pep could use:

Bring in Jack Bauer

The Counter Terrorist Unit in 24 was jam-packed full of moles. Virtually every other employee somehow duped the U.S. authorities into letting them have a highly sensitive job, only to sing like a canary to the bad guys.

One man was able to garner confessions from saboteurs like no other: Jack Bauer. Pep should bring him to Bavaria to systematically interview each player.

"WHO IS THE MOLE?! DAMN IT WHO IS THE MOLE?!"

Don't make Jack reach into his man satchel for his pliers, Philipp Lahm, just tell him what he wants to know. 

Ask for a Look at the NSA's Records

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Make no mistake, the U.S. National Security Service knows everything about you. The text messages you have sent, the people you talk to, your favourite order at TGI Fridays, your childhood fears etc.

According to recent allegations, they have even been listening in on German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Therefore, there's a good chance the NSA already knows exactly who the mole is. All Pep needs to do is make the call...to absolutely anyone and they will hear his request. 

Make Sure This Isn't a Fight Club Situation

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Pep is hunting around his squad to find the leak, but perhaps he needs to take a step back and make sure the problem isn't a little closer to home.

Could it be that when he sleeps, his crazy Catalan alter ego Xyler Durdeneu comes to life?

Xyler—the part of his personality that created the "Tika Taka Club" about which no one must talk—is an outrageous version of Pep, who leaks tactics to the press, plots world domination through unusual means and absolutely hates the hipster clothes that daytime Pep wears.

I am Pep's inflamed sense of rejection.

I am Pep's smirking revenge.

I am Pep's complete lack of surprise.  

Slowly Replace Everyone with Borussia Dortmund Players

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Bayern broke hearts at the Westfalenstadion at the end of last season when they secured the services of Borussia Dortmund's best player Mario Goetze. According to MirrorFootball, Polish striker Robert Lewandowski will soon be following him to the Allianz Arena.

The tactic of weakening an opponent by buying their best players is clearly something Bayern are fans of. But it could also be used to flush out the mole: Die Roten could simply sign a new BvB player every few weeks until the troublemaker is no longer among the ranks.

What could possibly go wrong with that plan?

Uncover the Zlatan Conspiracy

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Zlatan Ibrahimovic hates Pep Guardiola with more passion and enthusiasm than he loves himself. In his autobiography, he labelled the manager a "coward," claimed he had "no balls" and took exception to him having a "Ferrari but driving it like a Fiat."

If Pep digs a little deeper into the mole situation, he may find that it's an elaborate ploy designed by Zlatan to slowly drive him insane.

Not only has the Swede paid off a patsy to secrete his precious tactics, but he has also instructed Pep's German language teacher to fill his vocabulary with swear words and hired a minion to break into his house every night just to throw the house keys in the fridge and to put all his socks into odd pairs. Guardiola will be a babbling shell of a man by spring.

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