The Friday Clock-Watcher's Guide to NFL Week 10

We've reached the point on the calendar where, for most of the country, it's absolutely freezing by the time you leave work. Not to mention that once 5 p.m. hits, the world seems to be engulfed in darkness, like Dikembe Mutombo rejected the sun out of orbit.

I won't lie to you. It sucks. I hate being cold.

Working in the winter is most certainly worse than working during the summer, and we're about to embark upon months of dark and cold greeting us after a long day slaving at the cubicle. Not fun.

But alas, football fans! A televisual feast awaits your attention this Sunday, as a wildly entertaining slate of NFL games is mere hours away!

So stop staring at the clock and get pumped for Sunday with this, the Friday clock-watcher's guide to NFL Week 10:

Uncle Rico Starts for the Packers

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Napoleon Dynamite is one of my all-time favorite comedies. I'm sure that most of you have seen it as well.

Perhaps the funniest character in that fine piece of cinema is Uncle Rico, who constantly (and hysterically) harkens back to his time on the high school football team. Rico's throwing motion is also so wildly inaccurate that he makes Tim Tebow look like Joe Montana.

With that said, you should be ridiculously excited for this Sunday's game between the Eagles and Packers at Lambeau. 

Why?

Because of the injury to Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers, backup Seneca Wallace will get the start. 

And he throws exactly like Uncle Rico.

Seriously. Click that link, watch and enjoy. I'll be waiting.

Welcome back! 

With every sidearm duck that Wallace "throws," a smile will creep onto your face. You'll think of Uncle Rico in all his mustachioed glory.

If that doesn't make the seconds tick by faster, I'm not sure what will.

Countdown to 0-16

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford with rapper Drake. That was probably one hell of an after-party.

It's quite possible that you're having a bad day.

It might even be likely that you've had a bad week.

Hell, it's not outside the realm of possibility that it's been a bad year altogether.

But take solace, slave of the cubicle: There's no way it could be worse than what's happening to Jaguars coach Gus Bradley.

Simply put, the Jaguars are one of the worst teams in NFL history.

There's a better chance of Toronto mayor Rob Ford being reelected than the Jaguars winning more than two games this season.

The Jaguars are coming off their bye week at 0-8, halfway towards matching the 0-16 low mark set by the 2008 Lions. This means the countdown to a winless season is on.

This Sunday, the team plays at 4-4 Tennessee, and will likely make an average Titans squad look like the '72 Dolphins. Jacksonville's record will certainly drop to 0-9.

So if you're having a rough time, just tune into Jags/Titans and enjoy the ineptitude.

I guarantee it'll make you feel better.

Revenge in Hotlanta

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I once knew a guy. Let's call him Rick.

Anyway, Rick used to date this girl. Rick was really into the girl.

But Rick and the girl broke up, only for the girl to start dating another guy. 

Rick knew that deep down, he was better than the new guy, and couldn't wait for the opportunity to prove it.

Lo and behold, after biding his time for a while, the girl came to her senses. She dumped the loser and got back together with Rick.

But Rick wasn't totally satisfied yet. Just getting the girl back wasn't enough. Rick wanted the aforementioned loser to know that she had chosen him instead.

When Rick's girl posted pictures of the two of them for the world (and the loser and the loser's friends) to see, revenge was his. He was, in essence, rubbing their faces in his triumph.

Sweet, sweet revenge.

In the NFL, the Seattle Seahawks are Rick, and the Atlanta Falcons are the aforementioned loser.

In the divisional round of last year's playoffs, the Falcons beat the Seahawks in heart-stopping fashion before blowing a huge lead in the NFC title game against San Francisco. There's no question that the Seahawks felt like they were the better team.

Now, Seattle is 8-1 and Atlanta is 2-6. The Seahawks know they're better. But it's not enough.

They need revenge.

This Sunday, the Seahawks return to the scene of their bitter failure, the Georgia Dome, to play the Falcons. Revenge will be on their minds. 

Mark my words. If the Seahawks lose the game, they aren't going to win anything this year. They won't have exacted revenge, and it will kill their mojo.

Seattle needs to win this game, and it needs to brutalize Atlanta in doing so.

All in the name of revenge.

Sweet, sweet revenge. 

Monday Night Dysfunction Junction

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Once upon a time, Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano was the most vilified man in the NFL, and his team the biggest punchline.

Now, he's not even championing the biggest disgrace in his own state. That mantle of embarrassment now belongs to coach Joe Philbin and the Miami Dolphins.

This Monday night, the two teams will tangle in what's sure to be the biggest confluence of disasters since Dennis Rodman married Carmen Electra.

Think about it. The Dolphins are 4-4, and coming off a huge win last Thursday night against the Bengals. A win over the 0-8 Bucs would put them squarely in the AFC wild-card hunt. But all anyone wants to talk about is the bullying story with Jonathan Martin and Richie Incognito.

Hey, Coach Philbin? That "thank you" card that came in the mail today? It's from Greg Schiano, who's thrilled that people are no longer talking about MSRA, Josh Freeman and the Bucs' atrocious season.

It's like when you make a huge error in the office, and for a little while, people look at you as "That Guy." All you want is the spotlight off you. And then some other dude comes along and does something even worse, and all the heat goes on him. 

Schiano owes Philbin and the Dolphins one. A big one.

On Monday night, we get to find out which team is, in fact, the NFL's most dysfunctional group.

The Dolphins should win, but who knows what kind of effort they'll come out with? If Tampa pulls out the victory, the clock will start ticking faster on the tenure of Philbin in Miami.

It's going to be fascinating to watch.

This Week in Gambling

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Last week, I gave you the Dallas Cowboys as the survivor-pool pick. Of course, they won, and as a result, I'm still alive in my pool.

And if you've listened to me throughout the year, you're still alive, too. Congratulations!

This week, there are two solid yet unspectacular options.

First, the Giants should be able to take care of the Raiders, but honestly, would it really shock you if Terrelle Pryor rushed for 300 yards on Big Blue's atrocious defense? New York should be able to throw it all over Oakland, but an upset isn't out of the question.

Second, the Titans host the hapless Jaguars. While Tennessee is far from a world beater, the Jaguars look like they might have problems stopping the University of Oregon. But then again, there's the matter of the Titans losing to the 0-13 Colts a few years ago.

Don't worry about the past. Focus on now. The Titans are the pick. Select them with confidence.

Now, onto actual gambling.

This week, it seems like everyone and their mother likes the Steelers to take out the Bills. 

Not me.

Bills running back C.J. Spiller is finally healthy (he's no longer listed on the injury report), and he's going to have field day rushing all over the Steelers' hideous defense. 

The line should hopefully creep up to Pittsburgh -3.5 by kickoff. If that happens, pounce all over it.

You and your bank account will thank me on Monday morning.