The Best Athlete You Have Never Heard of

My wife's pregnant y'all. This is the second time. We've already got a girl, so this time I'm hoping for a boy.

I'm a teacher, and everything about boys spell trouble. So why do I want one? So he'll go further in the world and take care of me when he's older? Hell no! You can't trust men for that. I want a boy for one pure reason: sports.

Last time the temptation was there to hope for a boy so we could play sports together while I'm still in my "prime." But my wife was almost fanatical in her desire to have a son, so I figured to cheer for a girl instead, lest she's born and no one wants her.

Things turned out pretty good with my daughter. She's 17 months old and not only is she amazingly cute, cheerful, and sweet, but she's got crazy muscles, too. I swear to god.

When she runs around the house with her shirt off, picking up chairs and stuff, I can see lots of back muscles and traps, and gluts, and pecks, and tri's and bi's. It's like she's juicing or something, and I don't mean grape drink either.

So obviously I'm really proud of her. She towers above other kids her age, yet she's friendly like the green giant.

I was a pretty good athlete myself, for a white boy from the Saskatchewan prairies. I was always naturally strong, fast, could jump high, and had great moves in basketball. I would've been good at football, boxing, wrestling, baseball, or any sport, but I chose basketball.

For one thing, my family couldn't afford football or hockey. And being in a strict Christian home, no one exposed me to combat sports like boxing. My brother made up for that, however.

Basketball, to me, just seemed like a sport with limitless boundaries. Unlimited potential. Those are probably the same thing.

I especially fell in love with it one day watching the original Dream Team play in the Barcelona Olympics. Michael Jordan went flying through the air for a spectacular one-handed dunk.

The dunk, in hindsight, wasn't all that amazing, but MJ just had a way of making ordinary dunks look beautiful. His legs were tucked up. His tongue was hanging out. His eyes were shooting fire.

His left arm flexed in front of him. The channel kept replaying it in slow motion over and over again until it had a brain-washing effect.

I was sold on hoops for the next 15 years.

A lot of people blame Jordan for having an influence on the next several generations of players where they forgot fundamentals and role play, and gave in to one on one showmanship, trying to imitate the all-mighty instead.

I blame him for much the same reasons, except my life failed to go anywhere, probably because of him.

Now, as a 27-year-old with one kid already, another in the oven, and several step-kids, when I should be trying to improve myself, I'm still working on the vertical leap. That seems to be what's important in life. Forget a master's degree in history! That's totally gay (no offense intended).

So it comes down to my kids. Times running out for the old man. Twenty-seven is incredibly old when you're not paid millions of dollars to stay in impeccable shape. I am in great shape, in fact, but am just not dunking on 10-foot rims anymore. I prefer nine and a half.

There's no guarantee my next child will be a boy, so I've still got my eyes on my first-born, Kira.

I know I could make a great basketball player out of her. She'd have a better crossover than any girl out there. I'd expand her repertoire into spin moves, hesitations, and of course shooting.

But it just doesn't seem there for girls in basketball. It's cool, but it doesn't demand respect.

I think I'm gonna roll with boxing. I know MMA is where it's at these days, but I don't want her rolling around on the ground everyday with dudes. I'm still holding out hope she's a lesbian, so no need for the distraction.

In boxing, if she's attacked one day, she might not win the fight, but she'll definitely break some face. That's all I really want. I want her to have two lethal weapons in her hands that go undetected at airports. I'd also like her to win the fight, too, actually.

And that's the thing. For a girl it's different. Sports are often compared to simulated war games. But for a girl, it might not be so simulated.

It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and girls are often-times molded into cats. So as a father, knowing the guys I grew up with and the guy I was, I picture violence.

It's not enough to simulate war. Girls need to, like Rambo, become war. That's why I want her in boxing, or anything else that can break a limb.

It ain't so for boys. I don't worry about my son's girlfriend taking advantage of him. I encourage it, for heaven's sake. And gay dudes couldn't pressure him into anything. They're just not cool enough yet, no matter how many seasons of Project Runway I watch.

He can play whatever he wants. Of course I'm hoping for basketball, boxing, or MMA, my three main interests. But really it's up to him.

What isn't up to him is nothing. I can't allow it. He's gotta play something.

Am I bad parent for that? Maybe. I don't want my kids to define their lives by their sports like I did. But I don't want them to be out of shape, and totally illiterate with nerve signals coming from the brain to the body, either.

There's no reason why you can't be smart, thoughtful, and athletic at the same time. Look at Barack Obama. Look at George W. Bush. Ooh, well, forget the last one.

I guess there's no real point or message to this article. I'm just sharing what I'm going through. You want to pass on what you know to your kids, and hope they'll surpass you in that area. I know sports.

I hope I can teach them everything I know, but when that's not enough, I hope they learn more.