Ten Things You Won't Find in American Sports

Stream of consciousness....no particular order:

10. You won't see good, quality football. 

This is because soccer is getting the worst of our athletes. After American football, basketball, baseball, and maybe some silly sports like volleyball, tennis and badminton, soccer gets whatever is left over—and it ain't much.

9. You won't see a hijacked bus, like we did this week in Rome this week, where "supporters" of one club stab "supporters" of another club. 

Mind you, you've got a pretty good chance of getting stabbed for no particular reason in America, but rarely will it involve sports.

8. You won't hear any singing at a sporting event. 

Sure, the random "Hit the Road, Jack," or "Hey, Hey, Goodbye," once the game has about 12 seconds left, but nothing really creative and certainly nothing new in 50 years. Plus, every stadium has the same exact songs—there's no telling whether you're in Seattle or San Antonio. Try singing "You'll never walk alone" at Old Trafford.

7. You won't see only white coaches.

This goes for all sports. The EPL has exactly zero black coaches, although they did have one in Paul Ince, who was given a few months before getting sacked. This is pretty pathetic, by the way. All those brothers playing in the EPL, and no representation in the managerial ranks?

6. Related to No. 7, you will never, in 5,000 years, hear "fans" in the stands making monkey sounds or throwing bananas on the field. 

This is pretty much a death sentence. White people will likely beat you up for these sort of antics. Ironically, black people may actually leave you alone, thinking that you're just completely insane.

5. You won't see many people actually knowing what's going on. 

About 40 per cent of any given American crowd is made up of women and 20 per cent is made up of seating for big corporate clients. Throw in 15 per cent for the kids, and you're not left with much. 

Besides that, the games have relentless breaks and time outs. Half the time at an event is spent in lines getting beer (or is that just me?). I should mention that a baseball game lasts four hours, and there's only 15 minutes of actual "action".

Is it any wonder why people aren't paying attention. (No offense on the women comment, it's true and, more importantly, good looking chicks shouldn't be into sports anyway.)

4. You won't see people actually focuses on the game—instead they watch the big, omnipresent television. 

Ever try to see a hockey puck live? 

Forget about it, it's impossible. 

Besides, unlike soccer, the seats are about a quarter-mile from the field—with hundreds of people (players, trainers, coaches,  water boys, celebrities, etc...), standing in your way. American sports are catered to advertisers, not fans. Duh.

3. You won't see relegation, because although it's in America's DNA to severely punish losers, this only applies to poor, hungry individuals, and not the billionaires that own sports franchises (or huge banks, doh!). 

The lack of relegation is probably the worst thing about sports over here. Indeed, last place is rewarded with the best player next season. Really?

2. You won't see many losers. 

In America, teams with losing records make the playoffs. The regular season is almost pointless. 

The New York Giants had the league's 10th best record in 2007, but won the Super Bowl. This is like Fulham winning the EPL title this year. 

In the NBA, Milwaukee is about to make the playoffs with 30 wins and 38 losses. Huh?

1. You won't find any great celebrations, because they've been deemed illegal. 

You won't see policemen getting assassinated. 

You won't see any shortage of religion. 

You won't see any meaningful international competitions (since American sports don't travel). 

You won't see many games determined by errors in officiating (replay rules!). 

Finally, you won't see many people beating the crap out of each other, unless it's happening in a hockey game.