NHL Lockout: Picking New Jobs for the NHL's Top 25 Players

With the NHL lockout official as of this past weekend, established players in the circuit are all but living the fictitious scenario of prematurely washed-up goalies from a 1990s Nike ad campaign. They are seeking a means of occupying themselves outside of "The Show."

Granted, many will fall back on joining an overseas league. But those who do not sign on with another team are bound to have greater-than-usual quantities of spare time. They could utilize that time in a productive manner if they were to return to or stay within the vicinity of their NHL employer and keep stoking fan awareness while volunteering to work in another field.

If they are not seeking and finding opportunities to play elsewhere—which is naturally what they must do for their own sakes—here are appropriate secondary vocations for the NHL’s elite.

Disclaimer: None of these are very likely to happen, but if they did, it would help to ease the worry of hockey fading into irrelevance.

Dustin Brown, Drew Doughty and Jonathan Quick: Jr. Kings Coaches

The top forward, defenseman and goaltender from the Stanley Cup champions can keep fostering winning hockey in the L.A. area by lending their expertise to any one of the 18 travel teams sharing a name with their NHL employers.

Furthermore, their involvement can help prevent local fans from prematurely forgetting the fact that the Cup is in the Kings’ possession.

Zdeno Chara: Gym Teacher

Chara is one of the few NHLers with the stature of a basketball player, which means Massachusetts schoolchildren should look up to him, both literally and figuratively, whether they are more consumed by the Bruins or Celtics.

Furthermore, the Bruins captain has experience in the NHL’s Right to Play program, which had him working with underprivileged kids overseas during the 2008 offseason.

Sidney Crosby: Home Appliance Salesman

Maybe there is a way Crosby can build upon a key element from his beginnings and design a dryer that measures one’s shooting power.

Pavel Datsyuk: Anything At A “Hockeytown” Establishment

A surefire way to avoid a drop in business at either Hockeytown Authentics or the Hockeytown Café is to have the most celestial Red Wing working regular shifts in any given visible capacity.

Marian Gaborik: Museum Speaker

Wherever there is an exhibit in New York City pertaining to the history or culture of his native Slovakia or any surrounding countries, Gaborik should be enlisted to offer an expert oral history.

Claude Giroux: Living Statue

Much like Shaquille O’Neal did in Boston during his final NBA season as a Celtic, the winner of the EA NHL ’13 cover contest should build upon his celebrity at a given public venue in Philadelphia.

Erik Karlsson: 67s Game Day Staffer

Karlsson, along with several Senators teammates, can give back and ensure ongoing awareness of Ottawa’s NHL franchise by volunteering at the home of Ottawa’s OHL franchise.

Phil Kessel: Transit Ticket Taker

Given that, under normal circumstances, he plays in one of the NHL’s most populous cities, Kessel can retain the attention of his fanbase by cashiering for commuters who use any of Toronto’s methods of public transportation.

Ilya Kovalchuk: Gas Station Attendant

New Jersey law requires gas station employees to fill a customer’s tank.

Imagine the response if local motorists with allegiance to the Devils saw Kovalchuk fueling their vehicles while everyone waits for him to start fueling the power play again.

Henrik Lundqvist: Guitarist

The New York Rangers’ backstopping backbone already has a well-documented resume in performing with bands. He ought to have minimal difficulty finding opportunities to perform around the city while he waits for his crease to reopen.

Evgeni Malkin: Exhibit Greeter

The Pittsburgh Penguins’ reigning point-getting leader can productively pass his time by ushering the people of the city he represents into the PPG Aquarium’s displays of the animal he represents.

Alexander Ovechkin: Thespian

Ever the attention addict, the Capitals captain can make rounds wherever and whenever there are performance openings at Washington-area theaters.

Zach Parise: Bantam Coach at Shattuck-St. Mary’s

The Twin Cities native is back home under the auspices of the Minnesota Wild, who are not even a full hour away from Faribault, the site of Parise's former high school.

J.P. Parise, Zach’s father and a former Minnesota North Star, was the program patriarch of Shattuck-St. Mary’s hockey for nearly a decade. His various positions there overlapped with Zach’s college prep career.

What better way to keep stoking the legacy and keep the revered alumnus occupied during his work stoppage than by opening a volunteer coaching job for one of the school’s younger-age teams?

Corey Perry: Golf Registrar

Already the long-time runner of his own offseason charity tournament, Perry is an impeccable fit to work with golfers in the Anaheim area, which ought to retain appropriate weather for the better part of the lockout.

Pekka Rinne and Shea Weber: Bouncers

Rinne’s status as a celestial stopper on the ice is amplified by his hulking 6'5", 209-pound frame. That, along with the rest of his on-ice assets, can make him an equally effective “last line of defense” in other venues, such as Nashville nightclubs.

Depending on the crowds, Rinne’s top Praetorian guard and on-ice captain, Weber, can pitch in under the same roof or serve in the same capacity just as effectively elsewhere.

Daniel and Henrik Sedin: Whale Watch Guides

The Vancouver Canucks’ fraternal one-two punch can do themselves, their fanbase and their franchise a favor by devoting their furlough to getting to know the team mascot’s brethren.

Steven Stamkos: Slush Salesman

With high temperatures rarely inclined to dip anywhere below 70 degrees, the Tampa community could use an artificial means of getting cooler in the traditional hockey months. The Lightning’s top scorer can help with his mere presence in an air-conditioned store and by serving up quick and quantitative cold drinks.

Ryan Suter: Mall of America Store Clerk

The Minnesota Wild’s new elite defenseman can function as a living, breathing reminder of professional hockey in the Twin Cities by taking shifts in various sections of the large, prestigious shopping center.

John Tavares: Lacrosse Promoter

Tavares’ uncle and namesake is a legendary former National Lacrosse League player. Although the New York City metropolitan area presently lacks a member of the indoor lacrosse circuit, the outdoor Long Island Lizards are still in operation.

The face of the Islanders could assemble with a handful of the Lizards in a given venue to promote one another’s sports, two of the most underappreciated in America.

Joe Thornton: San Francisco Bulls Intermission MC

The San Jose Sharks’ new Double-A affiliate is commencing operation at an awkward moment.

Maybe it would be less awkward if they brought one of the faces of the parent club into prominence at every San Francisco Bulls game to introduce in-game contest participants, announce upcoming promotions, etc.

Jonathan Toews: French Tutor

The Chicago Blackhawks captain and Winnipeg native is proficiently bilingual.

Upon signing with his NHL club in 2007, he left the University of North Dakota with his college education merely half-finished. With the lockout and school simultaneously in session, he can pick that back up, to an extent anyway, at any number of Chicago-area universities and offer expert assistance to French students.