Athletes' IQ Scores a 'Travashamockery'

Walter Gibson www.dbbsports.comFeb 26, 2009

Has anyone else noticed all the ad banners on espn.com and SI.com for IQ tests? They tell you the IQs of athletes—Tebow 127, Favre 104, Gretzky 131, Longhorns 105.

‘Tests confirm Favre has lower IQ score than stupid grazing animal.’

There’s a big, convoluted test you can take to find out your own, but I’ve developed another way to determine IQ scores. I look at the stupid shit people say and do and I give them a score.

First up, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg. He’s disgusted. He wants to see Plaxico Burress prosecuted to the full extent of the law. You know, the whole athletes are role models thing.

Please. You can take the athlete out of the ghetto, but you can’t take the ghetto out of the athlete.

Okay, fine, Burress didn’t grow up in Compton. But why are people always so shocked at this stuff?

Is it a surprise that kids who grow up around crime turn into adults who are involved with crime?

There’s an old story written by Mary Shelley. Frankenstein. Details are well known—crazy scientist, big green monster. But the moral is often forgotten—beware the monster that you create.

Besides, Mr. Bloomberg, maybe you should worry about your own role modeling abilities. You called this a “shamamockery.”

Next time, go big. Try “travashamockery.”

If you’re going to use fake words, at least use the right fake words.

Going to the same high school as David Robinson doesn’t qualify Burress to be a role model anymore than learning how to speak from Budweiser commercials qualifies you as a mayor.

‘Michael Bloomberg’s IQ score: 58.’

Next up, Plax’s teammate, Antonio Pierce.

Rumor has it he was involved in a cover up, that he took the gun from the club and returned it to Plaxico’s house in Jersey.

CSI looks stupid, and so does David Caruso, so I don’t watch it, but I do know this: get rid of the evidence!

Mr. Pierce, there are rivers on either side of Manhattan. The Hudson River to the West, and the East River, to, well, the East.

And yes, I know they’re not really rivers. But either of them would have made convenient, suitable resting spots for the gun.

Glock’s may be made of polymer, but they do sink. Plus, you and Plax are rich. You can buy another one.

Oh, and one more thing, taking the evidence across a state line and putting it in the very first place that the police would look—not so bright.

‘Antonio Pierce’s IQ score: 52.’

Rumor also has it that Plax identified himself as someone else when he went to the hospital. Mr. Burress, you can’t play that “black people all look alike” card anymore. Times have changed. We elected a black president.

Besides, you’re a celebrity. It goes both ways. You can’t fuck the groupies at the club and then be anonymous at the hospital.

It would be easy to give Plax a very low score here, but with the number of NFL athletes being assaulted these days—note Steve Smith, Sean Taylor—I might think about packing a little heat too. Of course, I’d do that to shoot other people, not myself.

‘Plaxico Burress’ IQ score: 41.’