Voodoo's Reflections: The 8 Worst Storyline Payoffs in Wrestling History (#5-3)

I've gotten a lot of great feedback about the first installment of this series, where I looked at three of the worst-ever payoffs to major pro wrestling angles.

Some of the great feedback led me to realize that there were actually a couple of angles that I had spaced on. Since I already had a definite set of eight payoffs, I'm going to add a couple more in here using letters (like 4B, then 4A, then 3B, 3A...like that).

More bang for your buck, I say!

Keep the great feedback coming, and I hope you enjoy today's installment.

(Dis)honorable Mentions

Congratulations, It's A...Hand?

One of the payoffs that was recommended to me last time was the Mae Young-Mark Henry storyline where Mark Henry, aka Sexual Chocolate, impregnated a 76-year-old woman and, after being powerbombed by the Dudleys, that woman gave birth to a rubber hand.

Read that again and tell me if it makes any more sense the second time around.

No? Didn't think so.

The reason this particular payoff didn't make the actual list (and instead gets Honorable Mention) is because, really, nobody here was that important in terms of the storylines. A midcarder knocks up an old lady and she gives birth to a hand. It started as ridiculous and over-the-top, it ended that way, too.

The Shockmaster Can't Quite Break Through

I also realized that, when I put this list together, I had forgotten about The Shockmaster. I feel like history has forgotten about him too.

Yes, his entrance was pretty much the most hilariously botched thing ever, tripping through a wall, losing his helmet, and cutting a bizarre promo (via Ole Anderson). But it's not one of the worst payoffs ever.

Why? Because I don't care if you're Kurt Angle, Ric Flair, Brock Lesnar, and Stone Cold Steve Austin rolled into one: if you come out wearing a ruffle-filled half-jacket and glittery storm trooper helmet, you're not getting over. Ever.

5. Who Ran over Stone Cold?

In the grand scheme of things, this particular angle’s payoff wasn’t that damaging. It was just so disappointing.

So back in 1999, Stone Cold Steve Austin was suffering from major neck problems and needed to take some time off.

Naturally, WWE couldn’t just let their biggest star disappear from television for no reason, so they had to come up with something; therefore, at Survivor Series, Austin was run over in the parking lot by an unknown assailant.

The only problem with this storyline?  Someone had to be driving the car.

Mick Foley, who was WWE’s commissioner at the time, conducted an investigation as to who ran over Stone Cold.  Over the course of the investigation, all signs kept pointing to The Rock as the guy who did it, but in the end it turned out to be Rikishi who ran over Stone Cold.

Rikishi, who had spent the entire previous year dancing with Too Cool, wearing thongs, sticking his butt in people’s faces, and in general being a fun-loving babyface.

Rikishi infamously claimed that he “did it for The Rock” and the other Samoan performers who were held down by the great white hopes like Austin; Rikishi would turn heel, get his butt handed to him by Austin on several occasions, get thrown off the roof of Hell in a Cell, and ultimately get injured before coming back as the fun-loving babyface.

My problem with this angle is not necessarily that Rikishi was named the culprit; he was, if nothing else, over with the fans, pretty solid on the mic, and was a capable big man wrestler. But it was such a drastic change for Rikishi, and it was done essentially without warning.

There were never any hints that he would do something like this; it would be like today if they ran an angle about someone running over John Cena and it turned out to be Santino Marella.

I know that a lot of us in the IWC complain that WWE never tries to push new guys to the main event, but in this case WWE really did try to give a new guy the rub.

The thing is, the reasons they did it were somewhat strange; The Rock was over as a main eventer and champion long before Austin went out on injury, and WWE never really gave Rikishi the opportunity to show that he could play the dominant heel role in the ring (name one match he had where he brutally squashed someone to show that he was a vicious heel).

In the end, Triple H would ultimately (and hastily) be credited as the guy who gave Rikishi his marching orders and would go on to get the high-profile feud with Austin, while Rikishi faded back to the midcard.

The Rikishi payoff was not really that damaging to WWE in the long run; Triple H’s feud with Austin was very good, and the company really didn’t lose too much money in the end.

The problem with the payoff to this particular angle, on the whole, was that nothing ever came of pushing the new guy.

Sure, part of the blame lies with Creative booking Rikishi to look like somewhat of a joke, but Rikishi also never really took it upon himself to try and change his persona to fit the character.

If you want evidence of a guy who took a heel turn and main-event push and really ran with it, look at a guy like R-Truth.

Indeed, the payoff to the “Who Ran Over Austin?” angle wasn’t so much laughably bad as it was profoundly disappointing; the new guy failed to get over, which led to the same old status quo.

It might be too much to say that this angle led to WWE’s current hesitation to push anyone new, but it certainly didn’t help.

What else can you say…?

4B. Who Drove the Hummer? No, Seriously, We Don't Know...

Of all of WCW’s idiotic storylines presented as the company slowly slid into oblivion, the Hummer angle was pretty much the dumbest. Maybe not the most damaging – that would probably be the Fingerpoke of Doom or David Arquette winning the title (though it’s in that range)...but certainly the dumbest.

A quick recap: in 1999, Kevin Nash had just won the WCW Title, and was set to defend it against Randy Savage at the Great American Bash. A week before it all happened, Kevin Nash was in a limo that was hit by a Hummer, presumably injuring/killing him.

Nash, of course, appeared at the Bash (completely unscathed, mind you) and successfully defended his title as a result of a DQ when Sid ran in. For some reason.

The big question became, of course, who was the person that ran down Kevin Nash? As was the case with the “Who Ran Over Stone Cold?” storyline, when someone runs another guy down…someone has to, you know, be driving the car. Someone who could theoretically get a push and draw some money with the guy he/she ran over.

Makes sense, right?  Of course, since we’re talking about later-years WCW, that’s not what happened.

Neither Sid nor Savage was ever revealed as the driver of Hummer that hit Nash. Then somehow Sting got involved, and Savage promised to reveal the driver of the Hummer at Bash at the Beach. Which, you know, he didn’t. All that happened was that Savage won the WCW title (for a night) after a Russo Swerve^TM.

Eventually, Hogan would return and feud with Nash over the title, which ultimately led to Lex Luger getting involved and claiming he had proof that Hulk Hogan was driving the Hummer (which was suddenly now a different color) that hit Nash.

A year later, Billy Kidman and Eric Bishoff would run down Hogan with a Hummer as well. Surprisingly, Kevin Nash never ran down Kidman and Bischoff with a Hummer to complete the cycle.

Oh and, by the way, we never found out who really hit Nash with the Hummer.

Only one way to sum this all up!

4A. The Black Scorpion Is TOTALLY Not Ric Flair...

Another one of WCW’s most jaw-droppingly bizarre angles, and it wasn’t even from the waning years of the promotion! Instead, it was from the early 90’s, which to some degree were just as dark.

Back in 1990, Sting had been feuding with Ric Flair for quite some time. Nothing wrong with that, as those men, arguably two of the greatest performers ever, were at the top of their. But like so many rivalries, it started to get old. And this was a problem because, well, there was nowhere else for WCW to go.

For so many years in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, WCW was pretty much built around Ric Flair (despite the fact that his relationship with the company often bordered on Jim Ross-WWE levels). Because of that, there were very few credible heel main-event players in 1990, which was a problem because Sting was the WCW Champion.

So, like any good booker/meth addict, WCW’s creative team decided that they needed a new challenger. One that was dark and terrifying. One that had a past with Sting. One who knew him inside and out. One who they pulled out of their rear ends.

You see, The Black Scorpion was going to be the next guy to challenge Sting. He was going to be the new heel contender that would establish something new at the top and refresh the stale main-event scene (good thing they nipped this one in the bud in the early 1990’s; I’d hate to see this kind of thing happening today…umm…).

Oh yeah, he also did magic tricks. And dropped weird hints about events in his and Sting’s shared past. And his voice was provided by Ole Anderson, who would later go on to provide the voice for The Shockmaster. Yes, it was being set up for The Black Scorpion to be a dangerous, credible threat to Sting’s world title reign.

There was just one problem, and if you’ve been following along you can probably guess what it was. Yes, that’s right, WCW had no idea who was going to play The Black Scorpion. All these hints dropped, all the money spent, all the air time given; the stage was ultimately set for Sting to face The Black Scorpion at Starrcade 1990, and WCW’s brain trust didn’t know who it was going to be.

So WCW had to figure out someone, anyone to be The Black Scorpion (remember, the guy who was going to freshen up the main event scene) except for Ric Flair. Because, you know, Flair had been feuding with Sting and had been at the top of the card for a while.

Originally The Black Scorpion was played by a journeyman wrestler named Al Perez (sure, why not?), but he would quit the company before Starrcade; additionally, there would be no way to link him to Sting once The Black Scorpion ultimately unmasked.

This had to be a guy that could conceivably have shared a past with Sting, even if WCW had to fudge a few details; really, Al Perez could’ve had a fake back story made up for him that linked him to the Stinger, as long as the whole thing (and specifically, the guy playing The Black Scorpion) was made to look legitimate.

Finally, at Starrcade, after (presumably) many hours of Creative meetings, Sting fought and defeated The Black Scorpion and unmasked him. In a moment most dramatic, it was revealed that The Black Scorpion was actually…Ric Flair.

Dude.

3B: Vince McMahon's Biggest-Ever Turkey

The infamous Gobbledy Gooker. The gimmick for which the fine folks at Wrestlecrap named their award for the worst angle of the year.

At No. 3B overall, though? Why not higher?

The reason that the Gooker isn’t No. 1 (and believe me, being one of the top five worst payoffs of all time is nothing to be…well…proud of) is precisely because, no matter what people may think, it was pretty much always meant to be a joke.

Don’t believe me? It was a giant egg. What comes from a giant egg (besides Lady Gaga)? Did Ric Flair hatch from an egg? Did someone spin a cocoon, and out emerged Stone Cold Steve Austin? No. Those things would never happen.

No one would look at a giant, polka-dotted egg and immediately assume: “Holy crap!  Something is going to burst forth from this giant egg and win multiple world championships!” You know why? Because no one in their right mind would say that.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I’m not defending The Gobbledy Gooker. Not even a little bit. It was pretty much the most asinine angle payoff in WWE’s history.

But like most things that are asinine or idiotic, it never really did that much harm to WWE’s business in the long run.

I mean, yeah, it didn’t do any favors for Hector Guerrero’s WWE career, but were we expecting him to become a big star? Would you expect something that hatched from an egg to get a big push and title reigns?

Nah. It was pretty much all meant in fun. Stupid, moronic, Tom Green-or-Dane-Cook-esque fun, but fun nonetheless.

It may have been the dumbest angle with the most insane reveal in WWE’s history, but did it really hurt anyone? Really? Think of it like Manos: The Hands of Fate; it’s pretty much the worst movie of all time, but no one was expecting it to be Citizen Kane.

3A: Vince McMahon Sleeps Around, Sires a Leprechaun

“Really?” you’re saying right about now. “Really? McMahon’s illegitimate son ahead of The Gobbledy Gooker? Really? You think that Hornswoggle is worse than the Gooker?”

Yes. Yes I do.

Why? Because this angle lost stupid amounts of money. The Gobbledy Gooker, while it was terrible, was never explicitly done to (hopefully) establish a new main event star. They had an egg, and it hatched. It sucked, but that was really it.

But the illegitimate son angle? There was potential for someone to be shot to the moon…and WWE blew it. Badly.

For those who don’t remember, Vince McMahon had just magically returned from the dead after being blown up in his limo in June 2007 (in reality, the storyline was canceled after the Chris Benoit murder-suicide).

In August, McMahon was slapped with a paternity suit; it seemed that, after years of swinging his grapefruits around and hitting every lovely lady in sight, one of his sexual conquests had given birth to his illegitimate son!

Over the next month, different clues were dropped by the unknown woman’s lawyer as to who the illegitimate child might be. Yes, this whole thing was hilariously stupid. Yes, if a real lawyer and plaintiff were to try this then they’d be laughed out of any court in the land.

But there was a silver lining: there was going to be a new member of the most powerful family in professional wrestling.

Illegitimate or not, a new son of Vince could lead to a monster push for one of WWE’s talents, which was something that WWE desperately needed around this time.

Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but WWE’s main event scene was hurting for new blood in mid-to-late 2007; the world title picture consisted of John Cena, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Edge, Randy Orton (who was just getting his big push back)…and that was about it. WWE needed someone new.

The Internet started buzzing over this one, since the rumor mill had it pegged that Mr. Kennedy was going to be the one who was named the product of McMahon’s seed.

Kennedy has long been one of the more controversial people in pro wrestling, not as much in the DX 1997 sense but instead in the “some people think he was gold, some people thought he was wildly overrated” sense.

As time has gone on, I’ve tended to fall more into the latter category, but there was no doubting that Kennedy could talk, was decent in the ring, and would have been a logical choice to push to the moon as McMahon’s illegitimate son.

One problem: Kennedy had a thing for running his mouth a little too much, and for getting injured (which is why he lost his MITB briefcase earlier that year).

He made some condescending comments about people who used steroids and then proceeded to get busted for using steroids, leading to a wellness suspension and the loss of this potential push.

Perhaps WWE could have pushed back the reveal of Kennedy as McMahon’s son until Kennedy was back from suspension; perhaps Kennedy could have learned to shut his mouth once in a while.

Regardless, WWE went ahead with the storyline and, on September 10, revealed to the world the identity of Mr. McMahon’s illegitimate son: Hornswoggle.

WTF?

Some people may have forgotten this, but when Hornswoggle first debuted as Little Bastard, he was all kinds of entertaining.

Partnering someone as hardcore and awesome as Finlay with a midget wrestler dressed as a leprechaun may have sounded terrible, but the two of them (as heels) made it work.

As a result of just how over the top it was, and how the performer (Dylan Postl) just went at it and had fun with the gimmick, he got incredibly over with the fans and turned face.

But when a guy does a bad gimmick in an awesome way, it does not mean that you need to involve him in what could be the biggest storyline in the company.

Instead of picking a capable performer to push to the main event, WWE had a comedy act start disappearing into walls and defacing the formerly prestigious Cruiserweight championship.

WWE wound up tweaking the angle, revealing that Finlay was actually Hornswoggle's father, before blowing it off at a WrestleMania match between Finlay and JBL.

WWE had a golden opportunity to turn chicken scratch into chicken salad here; the idea behind the gimmick wasn’t great, but it could’ve allowed for a big push for a deserving star.

Instead, we got bad comedy. And the company lost what could have been millions of dollars in potential revenue as the result of a hot new program.

Maybe Wrestlecrap should just rename itself “The Hornswoggle.” 

Conclusion, to Be Continued!

So that's it for today. Hope you enjoyed.

Next time, I will finish the list by counting down all the way to No. 1.

Feel free to leave me your thoughts!